My husband is in denial, won't stop charging.

[trueblues]

I've posted before about filing separately in a community property state. I thought it was the way to go because my husband is against filing and wants me to file alone. We've always had completely separate credit cards and checking accounts and paid our own bills. My cc debt is approx. $70,000, his is $30,000. I lost my job in January and can't make cc payments any longer. Husband helped me for awhile but he's up to eyeballs in cc and medical debt himself and can't help anymore. He plans to put more medical charges on his credit card in the next couple months.

I hoped to file Chap. 7 but we're $2,000 over the annual median. We're in a community property state so I know they include his income.

This is driving me nuts because I'm doing all the research and worrying alone. Husband knows we're in trouble but won't sit down with me and talk about it. We haven't lived lavishly but also haven't been financially smart, obviously. We have kids, cost of living is high in CA, and our debt has accumulated for about 20 years, starting before we even knew each other. We don't own a home or anything worth much.

I finally found a lawyer I like and have many questions for him. Chapter 13 looks so complicated - I want to start planning immediately if that's what he thinks we'll have to do. But I haven't hired him yet because I feel like I need to convince my husband we need to file jointly. He's still charging on his credit cards and once we hire an attorney, he has to stop, right? Even though he continues to make payments? Has anyone else had a spouse reluctant to file? This is causing a lot of stress around here.

[StartingOver08]

Yes, my husband needs to file. We both needed to and like you, we have everything separate - all of our accounts are separate.

Long story short, he did not file and I did. However, I am not in a community property state and that may make a difference. You need to do what you have to do. It is best if your husband comes on board, but if you can not show him that it is best for you both in the long run, then do what you need to do.

[trueblues]

Thanks, StartingOver. I think for my own sanity I'll go ahead and hire the lawyer, I really need his advice to start planning. I don't want to put it off just waiting to see if husband will change his mind.

[Flamingo]

After all this is over, it might benefit both of you to get some financial counseling so that you don't find yourselves in the same place several years down the road. Large amounts of credit will not be available for either of you for a while after filing and you will need to learn to live on cash only. You will both need to learn to budget and save no matter how in denial your hubby is. You need to try to sit and communicate with him that there is a problem that has to be dealt with and will not go away on its own. It's so easy to put one's head in the sand and hope it all goes away - never does.

[trueblues]

After all this is over, it might benefit both of you to get some financial counseling so that you don't find yourselves in the same place several years down the road. Large amounts of credit will not be available for either of you for a while after filing and you will need to learn to live on cash only. You will both need to learn to budget and save no matter how in denial your hubby is. You need to try to sit and communicate with him that there is a problem that has to be dealt with and will not go away on its own. It's so easy to put one's head in the sand and hope it all goes away - never does.

Yes, I agree. We both could use financial counseling although at least I've come to terms with the fact we can't live off credit cards ever again. I've tried to tell him there's no point in paying off just my debt when we could get rid of all it for the same amount in Chap. 13 payments. He seems to think his credit will remain good and he'll be able to keep his cards if I file alone - that he'll be unaffected. He's in his mid-50s and won't ever be able to get out from under his $30,000 in cc debt, especially since he keeps charging.

I think inside he understands, but his cultural upbringing about fulfilling obligations is deeply imbedded, and he's terrified his family or employer might find out. So he's not ready to face the inevitable. I hope the lawyer can give me some good talking points that will help me get through to him.

Thanks for all the advice. It helps being able to share my concerns with people who have been through this nightmare.

[JRScott]

The problem I see is if its community property state and even if the debt is only in your name or his name, if it was occurred during the marriage it is technically community debt and if you file and he doesn't they can come after him for it.

[Iamtoobroke]

Absolutely right, JRScott. If they live in a community property state, they will definitely come after the husband for ALL of the debt if only the wife files, since her debt is his debt.