Telling the Kids About Bankrupcy

[deepin]

Roughly 10 days from filing ... we are debating about if, when & how to tell our kids.

Anyone care to share their experiences??

[StartingOver08]

How old are your children?

[deepin]

Our kids are 15 & 10.

[StartingOver08]

You may want to have a budget discussion with them, rather than a discussion about BK. I think they certainly are old enough to understand about a tight budget - but to discuss the ramaficiations of a bankrupcty with a ten year old is putting a burden on the 10 yr old. The 15 yr old would be capable of understanding, but then you would have the added issue of saying, don't discuss with your sibling - which is not a good idea. So unless your children were both older, I would say do not discuss the fact that you filed with them. Just discuss how you are on a particularly strict budget now and starting a new financial plan. You can focus on rebuilding from a new plan perspective.

[Flamingo]

Your kids know something is going on and if you are having financial difficulties. While they may not know the specifics and details of the household budget, they see it/hear it through your discussions, change of habits, phone calls, attitude changes, etc. It is always best to discuss any household change with older children in their teens in case they may hear something from their friends or others in the familly about anything financial as to you. Both of your children can learn from this and can be taught now to budget and avoid too much credit so it can be used as a great teaching tool as to how everything occurred. It depends how much you want to divulge to your children but be aware kids that age are smarter than you think and are usually well aware of what is going on in a household.

[szbenne]

Talk to them but tell them only what they need to know

I am a single mother of a very smart 13 year old daughter. Unfortunately, she witnessed my melt down during the actual repossession of my car in July. It is something that I normally would have protected her from but when the tow truck is in the driveway there just isn't much protecting to be done.

Also as a single parent, there are all kinds of things that are overheard when you think they are not within ear shot. She already knows how tight our budget has always been when I have to wait until payday to do certain things.

It was actually her idea for me to file bankruptcy. She asked me what it was and how it worked. I explained it to her as best I could, the good and the bad, and in words that I thought she could understand.

So I actually filed pro se last Friday. I think that our talks over the last several months along with her witnessing my research and working on forms has reassured her that even though we are going through something very serious we will survive and that Mom is doing the best that she can.

Just my two cents but I have always tried to be as honest as I can with her about everything. There have been other topics where she has told me that she is glad that I told her the truth.

So I would say talk to them carefully unless it is something that you know for sure that you can keep away from them completely. And if they keep up with the world and everything that is going on in it right now, they will Get It.. Good Luck!

[OhioFiler]

I don't believe the financial affairs of a marriage are any business of the minor children. We have no intention of discussing bankruptcy with the children (ages 15, 14 and 12). We did tell them the phone was ringing often from bill collectors as we are going through a refinancing situation that takes some time before it is completed.

[krielly]

ICAM. Our son was 14 when we filed our 13 in 05. We did not tell him then, and I haven't told him since.

Our financial affairs are our business, and ours to worry/stress about. Not his.

He knew something was going on, as there were bills spread out everywhere, and mounds of paperwork we were filling out. He did ask me at one point "mom, are we going to lose our house?". I almost died........

I explained to him that we were NOT going to lose the house, but that dad and I had accumlated a lot of debt, and were working out a plan to pay it all back over time, and not charge up any more debt in the process. I told him there was a plan, and it was all settled, and he had nothing to worry about. That seemed to make him feel better, and I never heard another word from him again.

While I think depending on your childs age, you may not be able to totally sweep it under the rug, you don't need to "confess all" either.

JMO
K

[gregh]

I think you should talk to your childs if you think they will notice in any way... if not I don't think is necessary....

[eddiep]

My kids are 15 and 17, so a little older and not sure if I would have handled it differently if they had been younger. I felt like I had to tell them. My husband had a nervous breakdown when he lost his job. He had to be hospitalized for a few days after becoming suicidal. His depression was sooo far out of character for him that there was no way to hide it from the kids.

After talking with a debt consolidation service they recommended we file for bk instead. I know it sounds stupid now but we had not even thought of that. It has been a relief to say the least, knowing that we can turn this around, that we would not lose everything. So telling the kids was actually easy, we definately felt positive about our decision, so it was presented and recieved in a positive way.

My daughter recently had to write a college entrance essay about who inspired her the most. She wrote about how we handled his nervous breakdown and recent financial problems. She said that even at our worst she knew she could count on us to keep her safe, that there was food on the table, roof over her head, and that her dad, her rock, could go right to the edge but found the strength to pull himself back. She was amazed at how we switched roles, she noticed that I had taken on all the responsiblities, paying bills, earning enough money to hold onto the house and keep the lights on while getting him the help he needed when he couldn't help himself.

There was no way to hide what was going on in our house, I wish we could have, but in hindsight maybe it was a good learning experience for them. Everyone goes through rough times in their lives and as much as I would like their lives to be perfect, they too will have challenges to face and we have proven to them that you can get through anything if you don't give up.

Kids aren't stupid, they know you are going through something and I think any time you have the opportunity to teach your children about how to deal with ups and downs in life you should take advantage of it.

[JRScott]

My advice sit down and tell them point blank. The oldest one is old enough that they need to know what to do to prevent this from happening to them down the road as well. Kids are a lot more resilient than we give them credit.

Let them know that there will be some cut backs in the coming years. That you'll have to manage to get by on less. They might even surprise you, suggest ways they can help cut back to help your family get back on firm financial ground after the bankruptcy.

[Gerry]

I think a lot depends on how you spin it. Disclose what's appropriate for the maturity level, and keep it positive - a financial decision, not a failure - a fresh start, etc. Kids just want to know everything will be alright, and like others pointed out, it can be a learning tool for them.

[zpbk13]

Our son is just about 22 years old. I was a single parent for many years so we have an especially close bond. He knew we were struggling financially and was actually out of work himself until very recently. I had mixed feelings about telling him for various reasons. He felt it was partly his fault since he was not working and I had to reassure him that this situation was not his fault. As so many of you say, this is a purely business decision. Anyway, he was against us filing at first but as we have continued to discuss it and he now sees the logic in it. If I had do it over again, would I tell him? I think so. He is basically an adult even though he lives at home and I felt it was important for him to know.

I will say this, at one point when he was so against the idea of our filing a chapter 13, I felt like I had to justify what was going on to him. I quickly put an end to that type of discussion. This is not a committee but is a decision me and his stepfather made together after much soul searching. We are positive this is the right step for us and now my son accepts it. But if he was any younger, I doubt we would have told him.