Anyone have a spouse initially hesitant to bk?

[phigment]

Since the initial bk atty consultation Tuesday night and the recommendation for CH7 was made my wife and I have only been discussing bk in general terms because I know she is not totally on board. As a background, I knew we were in financial trouble last fall but hoped that things would fix themselves. In trying not to worry her and get through the holidays I just minimized the extent of our problems. Because the possibility of bk is more recent news to her I think she is having trouble accepting the totality of our problem and may be in denial of the situation. Understandably, she wants to explore all options before we go down the bk road as she views it in a much more negative light than I do. She is not opposed to bk but I think she is under the impression we have other, better options. I've explained the pros and cons of credit counseling, debt consolidation loans and debt settlement. Am I missing anything besides just not paying (although I did explain collections, judgements and wage garnishment)? We are going to see another attorney next week for a second opinion, which I hope will give her more clarity. Have others of you had trouble with a hesitant spouse? I am not trying to push a bk filing on her but need to educate her on all the options so she can make a decision for herself.

[mkuki]

simple, ask her how she would feel not owing anyone anything...no more stressing about due dates, rebuilding the nest egg, and buying a house in 2 yrs when the market begins to re-align itself?

ask her to remember how it felt when she was a teen and all she budgeted for was her make-up kit...she'll come around...sooner rather than later...

[phigment]

Fair answer. I think part of her problem with accepting the facts is that until last month every bill was current and even then I never alluded to the fact that I might have been sweating a deadline. It's my fault for creating a false sense of security but she's had other issues in her life stressing her (sibling conflict and health issues) so I had been trying to keep homelife as stress free as possible.

[monkatom]

My wife was the same way at first. I sat her down and showed her spreadsheets of what we make and what our monthly bills were including the CC minimums. She saw that we did not make enough to even cover the minumums. i then showed her that we had over 125K of CC debt and even if I took a second job to pay the minimums and not file we would never pay down the debt. I explained to her that we could have a fresh start make a budget, stick to the budget and not get in trouble again.

A big thing that swayed her was I explained in the situation we were in we would never be able to afford to send our kids to college, help with a car, etc. Now we are able to put money into retiremnet, college funds, and have stuck to a monthly budget and she realizes it was the best move we could make. We at times feel bad for doing it at the same time we made bad financial decesions and got in over our head on a 4200 a month mortgage.

Best of luck

[phigment]

My wife is generally quite frugal and a very responsible consumer so I think part of the problem was that since I managed the finances I have always been able to tell her it was ok to go shopping for herself, "we can afford it", etc. Once things turned sour I kept up that facade with hopes that things would get better (Bernie Madoff anyone?!). She has since seen our cash flow projections, balance sheet and digested it all but I think she thinks there is some other alternative(s) to explore before we "give up" as she puts it. She wants to "fight it" as she says. I need to stress that I am paraphrasing what are very civil conversations. We are not fighting over this but rather I am trying to educate her on what the situation is and the options we have.

[OhioFiler]

My wife is generally quite frugal and a very responsible consumer so I think part of the problem was that since I managed the finances I have always been able to tell her it was ok to go shopping for herself, "we can afford it", etc. Once things turned sour I kept up that facade with hopes that things would get better (Bernie Madoff anyone?!). She has since seen our cash flow projections, balance sheet and digested it all but I think she thinks there is some other alternative(s) to explore before we "give up" as she puts it. She wants to "fight it" as she says. I need to stress that I am paraphrasing what are very civil conversations. We are not fighting over this but rather I am trying to educate her on what the situation is and the options we have.

My wife has always paid all of our bills. I knew we had problems paying from time to time and often relegated it to my cycles of getting commission payments. January was particularly tough and I knew she was struggling and not paying everyone.

After I looked at our total debt, total monthly payments and thought logically about our situation I thought we should pursue bankruptcy. I thought she'd consider me a failure but she was actually relieved. We both now see a light at the end of the tunnel so to speak.

[krielly]

Why not get your wife to join the forums? We'd love to answer any questions she has. It also will probably help her to realize how many of us there are in the same boat.

I wish I had known about this forum before I filed, but glad I found it anyhow. Better late than never! The BKForum has been good for my soul!!!!!!!!!!

K

[2Bshinyandnew]

I was the hesitant spouse. Income Spreadsheets and facts v myth regarding bankruptcy helped me see the light.

[frustrated7]

My husband was very hesitant to consider BK and was also unwilling to even discuss our options. After consulting with two BK attorneys and realizing that we have no other real options, we are on the same page and meeting with the attorney to get ready to file on Saturday. I wish you the best of luck.

[OhioFiler]

Thanks for your post phigment. I would have to side wity your wife, which is an unpleasant opinion on this forum. Have you tried going to other forums like Dave Ramsey 'debts steps' at yahoo. That forum is more open and allows a variety of opinions to help you solve your problems unlike this forum.

I think there are some intangible benefits to not filing BK like knowing that you have solved your problem yourself, that will be with you forever.

Hartford, you find the advice and premise of these forums objectionable yet you can't pull yourself away from here. Must be a boring evening in Mom's basement, eh?

[wonkettegirl]

LOL ohiofiler. Hartfordson/sweetpotato/commonman has so much to offer us!

[frustrated7]

Hardfordson,

You wrote that screening posts that are against BK in this forum is like having an abortion debate and not allowing pro-life opinions. Actually, a more accurate comparison would be that screening posts that are against BK in this forum is like screening pro-life opinions in a pro-choice forum. You are in a forum designed to educate and help people in their BK decision. By the time most people come to this forum they know they are going to file BK. Perhaps your opinions would be more appropriate in a forum which discusses other aspects of debt, such as those aimed at budgeting or debt management plans. I'm sure you have many tips to offer the posters on those alternate boards and perhaps you should focus your time on helping them instead of trying to "educate" us on how harmful BK would be.

[mgmadara]

Hartfordson/sweetpotato/commonman had no interest in helping any of us. He/she had an obvious axe to grind against people who have filed bankruptcy. Thankfully, he/she is gone again. Thank-you moderators!!!

[taramaxed]

I was the spouse and am still a there is still a slight hesitance but I think I knew it was inevevitable at some point unless we won the lottery. lol. The more I am becoming educated about it my decision is pretty much 100%. Just give her time and have her surf this site. I think this site is really what made me feel better about it. There are so many good people in similar situations. I guess my hesitance was to be a society outcast which is what the stigma of bankruptcy brings but the more I research the more I see the stigma is disappearing.

[OhioFiler]

I was the spouse and am still a there is still a slight hesitance but I think I knew it was inevevitable at some point unless we won the lottery. lol. The more I am becoming educated about it my decision is pretty much 100%. Just give her time and have her surf this site. I think this site is really what made me feel better about it. There are so many good people in similar situations. I guess my hesitance was to be a society outcast which is what the stigma of bankruptcy brings but the more I research the more I see the stigma is disappearing.

Let the fools who continue to wallow in debt stigmatize you for taking control of your life!