When should I tell the truth?

[cupcake]

I will be filing my Ch 7 BK in approximately one month; I have been in a waiting period to file for the last five months (July) and during that time I got a divorce. I met someone two months ago and things are going really well. He's an amazing man and and I really like him a lot. I didn't expect to meet someone so soon and/or fall for the first man I dated after being divorced. But, I did and I have and here I am.

I've told him about everything except the BK. Up until now I really had no reason to say anything. This is something very personal and private to me and I have only told a few people about what is going on - people who HAVE to know. Seeing we have just been getting to know each other and that things have been pretty casual, I didn't think I needed to say anything at this point. I figured that I didn't need to tell something like this to someone who might be around next week. If things keep going as well as they have and as well as I hope, I am eventually going to have to tell him. My concern is that if I wait too long he may feel betrayed, like I was lying or purposely keeping something from him. Even though I dread telling him, I know it will have to be done if things continue to go as well as they have. I don't want to keep anything from him.

So, when to tell? My initial plan was to tell him if/when he asks me to meet his kids. That would be a HUGE step in our relationship because he will not do that unless he really wants me to be a part of his life. Currently, that has not been brought up but last night he took me to meet some of his family and he showed me pictures of his kids. That may not sound like a huge step to most of you but it was. I guess my plan was to wait and, if he asks me to meet the kids, that I say something about needing to tell him something important before we take that step. Or, do I just tell him next month when I file? My ex will be filing before me and once that happens I will have no choice; I will be forced to file. Do I just bring it up once my ex files and tell him that I have no alternative but to also file myself?

My biggest fear is that he's going to think I am an irresponsible loser - not someone he wants to get involved with - and walk. Even though I know that if that did happen, that he's not someone I want to be with anyway, the thought of that happening kills me.

What do ya'all think?

[floridian]

how do you know he doesnt have some things in his life that you dont know about? is he going to jump on the chance to get it all out? i think not!
do like most of the women that ive met... blame it all on your ex and tell him you just got roped into his debt...
yes honesty is the best policy, but its a little early in the game to be playing "true confessions"! if he really likes you, it wont matter and if it does, then its just an excuse to give you the "heave ho"..

give it some time, been there, done that!

[justbroke]

As a male, myself, I find that most things won't change my mind about someone that I want to be with.

Because I have actually filed Bankruptcy and understand the process and need for one to do such a thing... my opinion will probably be useless.

Nonetheless, I don't think you need to tell him until issues of finance come up. Just as I wouldn't care about not knowing you had any prior surgeries -- unless they altered your gender. I don't think it's relevant. At some point, it may be relevant, and that's the time.

Call me old-fashioned, but I don't need a full disclosure of a person's life history. Some of it is fine, where did you attend school, who are your folks, have you ever used drugs or plan to during our relationship, are probably the gist of the things I'ld like to know.

However, that time in college you got drunk and crashed your car into the gymnasium, or that time you dated five guys in 5 months... don't mean much to me today.

Okay, I talk too much.

When to tell? If you're concerned about this, wait until the relationship develops a little more. I'm sure finances will be brought up at some point. Just like people don't just start saying how much they earn in week 1 of a relationship, these financial discussions should only happen when appropriate.

[AngelinaCatHub]

I agree with above, wait a little longer and then do not show shame. It is a "business" decision, no? I agree with your quote,

My biggest fear is that he's going to think I am an irresponsible loser - not someone he wants to get involved with - and walk. Even though I know that if that did happen, that he's not someone I want to be with anyway, the thought of that happening kills me.

When things get heavy and serious, before the loving and cooing, set down and talk business. Tell him then and I would be very surprised if he treated it anymore than a "so what"?

[anime-chicka]

I still haven't told some of my closest friends, not even my best friend. I know she won't judge me harshly. I just feel that the time isn't right (she's trying to get pregnant and I don't need her worrying about me). I may wait a few years before I finally say anything. I've kept it within the family, mostly to hubby's dad since he filed about 10 years ago, to my manager, HR manager (I had to inform HR because of liability since I do a majority of purchasing for the office), and a couple of co-workers whom I've come to be great friends with outside of work, as well as my sister. All have been completely supportive. Now that the 341 is over with, they've noticed that I'm looking a lot perkier. I suppose that would be a good thing.

[floridian]

sadly money does mean a lot to many singles, especially older ones... a few years ago i was riding with a bunch of dentist and lawyers, that were into big finance...
when we would go somewhere, i had the babes all over me.. they assumed i was one of the high rollers...
alas, as soon as they found out that i was a state employee, it got a bit frigid noticabily fast....it didnt matter that i was of sound character and no baggage...
sometimes its best to keep quiet... when you are young, you can get by on your charm... with age, you had better have some bucks...

[cupcake]

Thanks for all of the input, I really appreciate it. I think the real problem here is that I feel like an irresponsible loser and so I feel like everyone else would think the same thing. I know that we all make mistakes and that filing BK is a "business decision" but the poor choices and decisions that were made that put me here had nothing to do with business. When I first came to the realization that filing BK was inevitable the shame was almost unbearable at times. I knew I'd need to tell a couple close friends and my employer and I seriously considered moving and getting a new job so that I wouldn't have to tell them. Then, once I started opening up and telling the people I had to tell and received nothing but kindness and support, I was ashamed of myself for thinking these people would have reacted negatively.

In response to some of the issues raised above, it would be naive of me to think that he's pulled all of the skeletons out of his closet at this point. I've considered that already but MY skeleton is the mother of all skeletons - at least to me. It's one of only a few negative things that I bring to the relationship table. Since leaving my ex in July I have handled my finances responsibly but I don't know if that will be enough to prove that I am not a complete financial failure. Also, I don't think not telling would be as hard had I filed prior to meeting this guy. Assuming we are still seeing each other in a month when I plan to file (which, at this point, seems very likely) we may be far enough along where it would be inappropriate to not discuss it with him. So I guess I should just revisit in a month - lots can happen between now and then. I just so don't want him to feel betrayed or deceived by me once the issue is addressed. My lack of disclosure at this point has more to do with the private nature of the issue. I don't feel comfortable discussing finances (and other personal things) with people who aren't a significant part of my life and want to make sure he wants to be a significant part before I bring it up.

[floridian]

put the shoe on the other foot... if you had found out that he had a bk, would you cut him loose?.... probably not... if thats the biggest thing you have negative, be thankful....
you mentioned his kids... there is far more probability that his family could cause problems than your bk... your bk will be gone one day... however, blood is thicker than water...
i wish i could find a woman that the only thing i had to accept was a bk.....

[AngelinaCatHub]

In response to some of the issues raised above, it would be naive of me to think that he's pulled all of the skeletons out of his closet at this point. I've considered that already but MY skeleton is the mother of all skeletons - at least to me. It's one of only a few negative things that I bring to the relationship table. Since leaving my ex in July I have handled my finances responsibly but I don't know if that will be enough to prove that I am not a complete financial failure. Also, I don't think not telling would be as hard had I filed prior to meeting this guy. Assuming we are still seeing each other in a month when I plan to file (which, at this point, seems very likely) we may be far enough along where it would be inappropriate to not discuss it with him. So I guess I should just revisit in a month - lots can happen between now and then. I just so don't want him to feel betrayed or deceived by me once the issue is addressed. My lack of disclosure at this point has more to do with the private nature of the issue. I don't feel comfortable discussing finances (and other personal things) with people who aren't a significant part of my life and want to make sure he wants to be a significant part before I bring it up.

For Gawds sake, you are not admitting to an affair with a donkey. If this is bothering you this much, call him over, have a pizza and a bit of wine, and TELL HIM.. Get it over. You, He, and WE will be releaved. 'Hub

[AngelinaCatHub]

Cupcake, take it as intended. You are 'over' worrying. 'Hub

[AngelinaCatHub]

[Genenco]

For Gawds sake, you are not admitting to an affair with a donkey. If this is bothering you this much, call him over, have a pizza and a bit of wine, and TELL HIM.. Get it over. You, He, and WE will be releaved. 'Hub

This makes the second time I laughed hard enough to cry.

I agree also. There's thousands of other things far worse then a BK. Frankly, from the issues I have seen, you got a tame problem.

But I can see where you're coming from..Yep, I too feel like a loser at times..Sure, I DID shoot myself in the foot..Heck, probably more then once..Like lays chips..Guess I like the agony of my addiction...(Not the reason for the 2nd BK, but totally for the 1st)

Anyway, just sit down with him and let him know that this was soemthing that bothered you..I'd wager (If I had some cash) that he'll smile, nod in understanding and let you know in a nice way "It's doesn't mean spit to him"

He's interested in YOU not your bank account..Good thing hey?

[relief13035]

You never know - he just might have filed bk himself. Remember it's very common right now.

[cupcake]

Cupcake, take it as intended. You are 'over' worrying. 'Hub

I know. *hangs head in shame* And, I am beating myself up way too much over this. I just really, really like him and the thought of him possibly thinking less of me (or, even worse, not wanting to be with me anymore) after finding out makes me incredibly sad.

[ready2puke]

sorry posted twice, computer is acting weird...