I tried to let this one go, but.......

[lrprn]

I've been around on this earth awhile now (56 years ) and in my experience revenge only ups the ante and creates a false sense of justification for the other person to get even no matter what. Don't stoop to his level, SB - you are a much better and smarter person than that.

Trust me....as soon as your case closes, the creditors are likely to contact you to see if you know how to find your deadbeat ex so they can go after him. That's the time to share his contact info when they are hot to get him. Sending a letter now risks getting it filed somewhere and forgotten. And this way you aren't the bad guy - the creditors are.

Your ex's turn to deal with his 'debt bonfire' WILL come, and you don't have to lower yourself to his immature, sociopathic level to make it happen. Just walk away - believe me, he's not worth the postage on the letters. Save your energies to make YOUR life better - a far more productive use of your time.

[epiphany]

Personally, I wouldn't do it. I would definitely momentarily WANT to after that comment, so can totally understand the desire. But I think writing those letters would just waste a lot of energy better spent on yourself.

He'll get his eventually. It may take a while but trust me, you will have the last laugh without even lifting a finger.

Live your life and try not to let him get under your skin. You obviously got under his.

ep

[danaf]

I wouldn't go out of my way but hey, if a creditor or two or three called looking for him sure....I'd be a good samaritan and give them all the info I had. What goes around comes around.

[JRScott]

Well in 1996 I had my fiancee run off with my best friend after they had a brief affair. It took years of prayer to forgive them, in fact it contributed to me moving to Utah back then because I felt I needed to get away before something bad happened.

While in the short term writing the letters might seem like a good solution, you seem the type of person that long term you'd hold that against yourself. Oftentimes when folks have done us wrong it is hard and difficult to take the higher road, but it is the better path.

If he was a creditor on your bankruptcy though, he should not approach you to discuss it, as the permanent stay by the court should prevent that. If you feel you need to do something perhaps mention the incident to your bk lawyer and see what he thinks.

[ThreadsSnapping]

If it will make you feel better you can write the letters, address and stuff the envelopes and then just get rid of the letters. I suggest either burning them or shredding them.

Now, if someone was to call looking for him, I wouldn't withold any info.

TS

[krielly]

JMHO, but acting on your anger is only going to keep things fresh for you. I agree with those who have stated "don't stoop to his level".

He may be safe for now, but his time will come. You may be financially bankrupt, but it sounds like he is morally bankrupt.

Move on and live your own life, making it the best one you can! A large part of that is letting go.....Forgiveness is something you need to do for yourself, not for him!

Don't let him have that power over you to control your thoughts and leave you obsessed with revenge. It's only by letting go and moving on that you will break free from him at last.

K

[southernbelle]

I think reading your posts and taking more time to think over this entire thing last night put everything into perspective. Truthfully I am not "man hating" by any means. Most of you know the situation and can attest to everything I've gone through with this man. I'm no saint, but since the beginning I've been nothing but nice about the divorce and closing the business.

During our split, I opened my house to him so that he could take whatever he wanted without a fuss. My motto was "I don't care what you take as long as you take it and leave." I didn't try anything shady during the divorce and it was EXTREMELY straight forward. I only asked for my maiden name and thats it. The final divorce decree was only 1 page and most of that was signatures.

It was after I closed the business and he tried to commendere the computer was when I started to get suspicious about him hiding something on the books. It also made me a little uneasy when he treatened me, but I let that go. I'm also a little curious about the timing of my a/c mysteriously dying soon after he moved out in 100 degree heat, but that's all water under the bridge.

Needless to say about a month after the business closed, the floodgates opened and I then found out about loans he took in the business name, but signed personally and tons of delinquent taxes. I was being contacted by everyone because he ignored them and let me take the fall.

I like to face problems head on and have gotten to this point with prayer and the help of you guys and I think I'm going to focus my energy on something more serious like completing my OIC paperwork so that I can send it in asap.

Now I can't guarantee a thing if someone contacts me and wants his contact information because I promise with 100% certainty I will give them anything they ask for and if he goads me again without provocation I'll definitely warm up the PC to start typing letters, but in the meantime, I'll keep my peace because I do believe in Karma.

Thanks again for letting me vent. I feel much better.

[AngelinaCatHub]

I am pleased with your post. This is one that I must disagree with Mrs. C about. Write the letter if you must, make it business like and professional. Then keep it in the Word Processor. You divorced this jerk for a reason. He just showed you (again) how correct you were to do so. If he owes taxes, or attempt to purchase anything, the creditors will find him. If the creditors have written the debt off, they will not bother opening it again anyway. But, his actions are seen by other people and his flawed personality will be his undoing. Feel good for what you accomplished. My vote is not to send “poison pen” letters as it could make you look vindictive and less of a lady. Write your letter for your own reasons, to vent. Or just vent here as you have. It works for me. ‘Hub

[newbeginning]

Male voice here...

Don't believe in "Karma" per se and am skeptical about the whole what goes around comes around notion. Life has no guarantees of shoveling out "justice" when needed. BUT, I do believe that the worst you can do here is to live your own life to the fullest, try to be happy (w/o ex) and go on knowing that, in the end, your financial woes will be of the past and no longer a burden to you.

As your ex sees that you have moved on from him and debt, that would be a much more "sting" to his ego than anything else. Also let him know that any further contact may be construed as unwanted contact and harassment and that you may have to then provide information that may lead to his whereabouts. A clear shot across his bow warning him that he will always be in your debt (and that may be the most frustrating thing of all for him...forever in YOUR debt).

Also, what is the law on this? If you are discharged and your ex's name is on the debts, is he not liable in any case? Surely the law has ways of dealing with people who "dodge" their responsibilities. Also, if he is working, how is it that "the system" is unable to find him?

Anyway, good luck and start fresh. Show him (as you are) that you will be and are better than he ever has been or will be.

[Minnymouth]

Did I understand that only YOU filed for bankruptcy, you did not file jointly, right? AHHHHH, revenge can be sooooooo sweet without lifting a finger....!! I hope this is the case that ONLY YOU filed - separately....???

If so, ANYTHING that you owned jointly or that has his name on it IS NOW HIS "BABY".............. to cry over!!!! Even taxes with the IRS, if his name is on the business also, 1/2 of those taxes are HIS........and be sure that IRS knows this, and that your divorced.

If you continue to get phone calls or mail regarding creditors that HE NOW OWES, do not feel bad about giving information about where they can "find him". Give them this info and ask them not to bother you any more that you filed for bankruptcy and now the bill is HIS. Anything that has his signature on it or both names on it is now his responsibility. (and he can only hide from it so long.........)

Sounds like getting rid of your "excess baggage" (financially and spouse wise)was one of the best decisions in your life. Now you can take control of your own life and make it the way you want it to be....... happy, content, and without financial burdens (including a sorry spouse).

Now its time for you to get on with your "own life", and don't worry about anything (old bills or old spouses)..... time for a "game plan" and "goals" for the rest of YOUR LIFE. Freedom can be soooooo rewarding!!!!

Now when you encounter him (and you will - no doubt), SMILE, be nice, and let him know how happy you are now!! Let him know your NEW LIFE does not revolve around him, or anything involving him....... and that divorcing him was one of the best decision you ever made.

Unfortunately sometimes LOVE dies, just like people do!! NOTHING IS FOREVER... and some things are only for a short time. Change can be good!! Just because you love a man/woman, doesn't mean you have to put up with their "crap" for the rest of your life. Sometimes a change is needed!!! For your own peace of mind and soul.....

So hold that head up high, smile sweetly when you encounter your ex, and remind him that your problems are over (you got rid of them), and his is just beginning.

Killing them with "kindness" really does work real well!!!

Should you encounter your ex TOO MUCH, or too frequent..... don't feel bad about putting him under a EPO..... (some men just don't know when too quit, and some love to harrass till the bitter end).

When you throw something in the garbage can, you don't plan on getting it back out again!! You consider it TRASHED.

Good luck in your new "future"..... make it the kind you want it to be, happy, content and full of love with someone who appreciates you and your values in life. A partner in life, not someone who drags you down......

My thoughts,

Minny

[fltoo]

Good point about the taxes and bills Minny. Hopefully business was in both names.

[southernbelle]

Did I understand that only YOU filed for bankruptcy, you did not file jointly, right? AHHHHH, revenge can be sooooooo sweet without lifting a finger....!! I hope this is the case that ONLY YOU filed - separately....???

If so, ANYTHING that you owned jointly or that has his name on it IS NOW HIS "BABY".............. to cry over!!!! Even taxes with the IRS, if his name is on the business also, 1/2 of those taxes are HIS........and be sure that IRS knows this, and that your divorced.

If you continue to get phone calls or mail regarding creditors that HE NOW OWES, do not feel bad about giving information about where they can "find him". Give them this info and ask them not to bother you any more that you filed for bankruptcy and now the bill is HIS. Anything that has his signature on it or both names on it is now his responsibility. (and he can only hide from it so long.........)

Sounds like getting rid of your "excess baggage" (financially and spouse wise)was one of the best decisions in your life. Now you can take control of your own life and make it the way you want it to be....... happy, content, and without financial burdens (including a sorry spouse).

Now its time for you to get on with your "own life", and don't worry about anything (old bills or old spouses)..... time for a "game plan" and "goals" for the rest of YOUR LIFE. Freedom can be soooooo rewarding!!!!

Now when you encounter him (and you will - no doubt), SMILE, be nice, and let him know how happy you are now!! Let him know your NEW LIFE does not revolve around him, or anything involving him....... and that divorcing him was one of the best decision you ever made.

Unfortunately sometimes LOVE dies, just like people do!! NOTHING IS FOREVER... and some things are only for a short time. Change can be good!! Just because you love a man/woman, doesn't mean you have to put up with their "crap" for the rest of your life. Sometimes a change is needed!!! For your own peace of mind and soul.....

So hold that head up high, smile sweetly when you encounter your ex, and remind him that your problems are over (you got rid of them), and his is just beginning.

Killing them with "kindness" really does work real well!!!

Should you encounter your ex TOO MUCH, or too frequent..... don't feel bad about putting him under a EPO..... (some men just don't know when too quit, and some love to harrass till the bitter end).

When you throw something in the garbage can, you don't plan on getting it back out again!! You consider it TRASHED.

Good luck in your new "future"..... make it the kind you want it to be, happy, content and full of love with someone who appreciates you and your values in life. A partner in life, not someone who drags you down......

My thoughts,

Minny

Here's the thing. I started the business long before he got involved and worked my butt off to see it grow to a point where I needed help. He started ahem, "helping" and for a while it went okay. I think he saw the opportunity to rob me blind because I was too busy doing the grunt work while he pretended to do the books and take care of the paperwork while sitting on his butt all day in the office.

Due to how the business started off, it was always a sole-prop. in my name and I was never smart enough to convert to an LLC or anything like that. I'm sure he knew the implications of that and took complete advantage since I worked on average about 12-14 hours a day, so it left little time to think straight.

I filed BK alone about 2 weeks after the divorce was final. I wanted to make sure he didn't think I owed him anything because we live in a community property state and my house was purchased before we met. He's vindictive enough to say that I owe him for contributing to the bills or something stupid like that so I definitely wanted him listed as a creditor to be done with him once and for all.

I filed BK alone, but theres tons are debts that he incurred in his name only through the business if that makes any sense (he used the business name as if he was the owner and signed to personally guarantee the loans and other lines of credit that I never saw a dime of). I didn't see the paperwork with his signature on two of the loans until after claims were filed for my BK. Don't ask what he did with the money because heaven knows I don't know. I've tried to run every scenario in my mind and he didn't seem like he was on drugs, he didn't have any sudden expensive purchases, didn't seem to gamble, so who knows. All I know is I didn't see a dime and he's still on the hook for that money.

Most of the creditors were attempting to contact him when he changed apartments and jobs which makes him hard to track, but I know a couple of people where he works and they gave me his current info. He may like living like a gypsy, but I'm not that type of person.

The only thing he might get away with are the taxes because I talked to the IRS many times about assigning him partial responsiblity and they don't seem interested in pursuing him even though I have his signature on most of the checks written for the business, he generated all W-2s for employees and submitted the only few returns they received. The one thing I will do (as per BKparalegal's advice) is to send a long letter with my OIC that explains this sorted mess so that the person reviewing my file can get a better handle on how much I need my OIC to be approved.

[gymbo]

First of all, WHAT A JERK.

But I would not waste your time writing letters.

Indifference is the best revenge. When he asked how the bk is going, you should have said, with a BIG SMILE ... "Fantastic! It really feels great to have a fresh start. I see everything differently now. Thank you so much for asking." And then walk away.

You think he is chuckling over you hitting "rock bottom", well, you dealt with your issues and you are on your way up. He's still trying to tread water.

You win, you win, you win.

Also, the fact that he said that to you proves he is FAR from indifferent. He's trying to see if he can still get an emotional reaction. Don't fall for it.

[AngelinaCatHub]

First of all, WHAT A JERK.

But I would not waste your time writing letters.

Indifference is the best revenge. When he asked how the bk is going, you should have said, with a BIG SMILE ... "Fantastic! It really feels great to have a fresh start. I see everything differently now. Thank you so much for asking." And then walk away.

You think he is chuckling over you hitting "rock bottom", well, you dealt with your issues and you are on your way up. He's still trying to tread water.

You win, you win, you win.

Also, the fact that he said that to you proves he is FAR from indifferent. He's trying to see if he can still get an emotional reaction. Don't fall for it.

[gymbo]

I do feel much better Thank you! This is all very therapeutic. Although I don't know how much I help. I just happen to have plenty of opinions