Daily Arguments About Finances

[newbeginning]

Frogge, et. al.,

I believe that I am in a position to commiserate. Hang in there and if at all possible, save your marriage by not forgetting that with hope, prayer and admitting that you are where you are and there is a solution, however painful, that this bk doesn't have to destroy the love you have for your spouse, family.

I had long been a fiscally responsible person. I married into debt and within the last 8 months, discovered a financial quagmire that I can't, to this day, fully explain. My wife was responsible for finances and because things seemed to go along with only some hitches here and there, I seldom questioned our financial status. Anyway, to make a long story short, i eventually found out how we were paying for things. I also discovered that I had CC's that I never applied for. In the end, we are close to $75K in CC debt. Stopped making payments back in December 07.

Am I angry. I was. Am I depressed. Probably. But I have moved on and have been forced to come to the realization that there are much more important things to be angry about. And to let and go and work on beginning anew and re-establish sound priorities.

You see, my wife was diagnosed with Stage IV breast cancer in early December. She nearly did not make it. And she was pregnant with our now healthy daughter! Needless to say, paying back CCs, etc. ceased to become a priority. Only my wife and family.

I am working on starting a new chapter in our lives w/ or w/o bk. But it will be a life further emphasized by love, family, and much better financial management.

Keep the marriage, companionship, partnership together. Focus on the "real ugly"- your debt. And try not to play the blame game. It doesn't do ANY good.

[stressin]

Anyway, I guess I'm looking for feedback on my obsessive and obviously destructive fear. I need to let my attorney do his job and stop pancking, it's just SO hard. How do you keep your sanity through all this?

I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone. This whole process is very tough on anyone--and I think it does cause a lot of stress in a marriage. In my sitiuation, it's my retail business that has failed--my idea, my debt, my bankruptcy. My husband was worried all along, and said so--and we had a lot of arguments about it. Looking back, he was probably right--it didn't work and here I am filing for bankruptcy.

We finally did end up on the same sheet of music. I have accepted that I need to file, and he has been very supportive and much less critical--but it was tough.

The best thing I have read on here is that this is a business decision--not a reflection of my character. I remind myself of this often. My business failed--but I am not a failure. My money mangement skills are obviously not as good as they good be, either, but I can work on that.

Bankruptcy is the best alternative for me--I have had six months now to come to that conclusion, tried debt counseling/management agencies, looked into loans, etc. and finally ended up consulting with two lawyers and retaining the second one.

Once I did this, I did have a plan--and that helped a lot. Now I have to do my part--paperwork, inventories, etc. and let her do her job and hope that things all work out.

Today is the last day that my retail shop is open, and I am trying to stay focused. Yes, I will miss it--but the economy just isn't supporting it, and the best thing for my family is for me to get out of debt. That way, when I go back to work, I will actually be able to contribute financially. I haven't been able to since I opened my shop a year and a half ago.

I know it's hard, but try not to let the financial problems come between you. Look toward the future and pull together. You will be able to decide what's best for your family when you are working together. There is so much more peace in my own home since we decided to get through this together--I can't tell you the difference it has made. I understood why my husband was upset/frustrated/disappointed with me and the decisions I had made that ruined my credit etc., BUT it didn't help or make any difference in the situation. Once we both decided to accept the situation for what it was and find a solution TOGETHER, it was such a blessing. There is no point in assigning blame, etc.

In the end, I know that bankruptcy is the way to a brighter and eventually more secure future for my family. We do have our health, which is a blessing. Years ago our daughter fought childhood leukemia, and as tough as this all is--it's nothing compared to those kinds of fears and worries. I try to keep things in perspective. If we have a roof over our heads, food on the table and our health, the rest will all work out somehow.

There is A LOT of support and encouragement to be found here. I have been reading here for months and I know that it has helped me a great deal. I have also seen my doctor and am taking anti-depressants--which in my case, has helped. This IS a tough thing to get through, and there are many ways to get through it.

Try to realize how you are talking to YOURSELF. Are your thoughts supportive or are you still beating yourself up? I realized that I was my WORST enemy and I was really beating myself down. I try to stop those negative thoughts now and remind myself that I did my best, this is how things are now, and these are the steps that I am taking to make things better in the future. How we think/talk to ourselves (and each other) can make a huge difference in our mental health when we are struggling through tough times. BE NICE TO YOURSELF! Talk to yourself the way a good friend would. Be realistic, but be positive.

Mostly hang in there and look to a better future.

[Frogge]

I'm sorry. I missed the hostess of this thread. Ms Frogge, BIG *HUGGS* to you!

Thank you!! Same to you, AC.

Now buckle down, take this seriously, and HANDLE it.

'Hub -Thank you so much for these words..You and Ms. AC are awesome and I love the way you approach challenges.

justplaintired...I almost fell off my chair when I read your post.. our stories ARE the same..thank you for sharing this with me.

newbeginning.. thank you so much for your story. It really helped me see the flip side. I wish you and your wife the best.

Everyone else, too.. I am so glad I posted my dilema now because all of these things are exactly what I needed to hear.

Today is a bad day, we are not really speaking and I feel pretty hopeless. He's so tired of hearing my rants, I don't blame him. I know this will get better, and I will start talking better to myself --I agree I am my worst enemy right now! I think that's the number one problem, I'm still feeling like I should have done things differently. But -- IT IS WHAT IT IS. That's DH's favorite saying, if I could start believing that I could get rid of these stomach knots.

Thank you thank you thank you.

[AngelinaCat]

Hi Ms Frogge:

Thank you for your kind words, and Gymbo also on another thread.

When I found this forum and started posting and showed it to 'Hub, he got excited and wanted to post under my nickname. I told him: “No, you need to get your own ID, because you and I have very different impressions on what we have / are going through, and ways of expressing ourselves. You will confuse the poor people.” So he picked his nickname.

At first, I was a tad annoyed that he wasn’t more original, but I am seeing that posters seem to be appreciating that the two of us, are as a married couple, posting with our different ‘takes’ on the same issue, as being helpful.

Our very Best Wishes to all of you, and our Very Best Thank You to all of you.

[Phillymanhere]

Frogge,

I feel for ya. I'm single, but when I was married, I remembered those discussions with my ex. I am sure I'm not the first person to tell you that if you think you can control things, you are living in A FANTASY. All we can really do in life is maximize our odds of accomplishing this or that.

But maximizing our chances is a long way from control. I mean you can be as fit and healthy-eating as you want, and you can still have a heart attack. The healthy living reduces your chances ... I'm in a 12 step program, and I'm sure you're aware of the serenity prayer. It's powerful. Just this past week, my mother had to be hospitalized. I traveled out of state to take her to the only cardiologist she would go to, a man who I think is almost criminally disorganized and incompetent. My family made its argument. She rebuffed us. So she's seeing Dr. Incompetent. Well, that is outside of my control.

The irony of all of this is that if you truly do what is in your control and not worry about what is out of your control, then you will accomplish monumental feats! ... You will accomplish more than you could have ever imagined. And you will feel great about your life. You want to start getting some satisfaction from good acts and good decision-making and not just based on the final results.

You and hubby can patch things up, I'm convinced. What both of you guys probably have to do is to acknowledge your achievements and strengths as well as your weaknesses and failures. Right now, you're both probably super-defensive because both of you feel really guilty about the way you handled things ... and you're both really really scared ... and since the other is imperfect and actually did make mistakes, you are getting angry at each other ... But the anger is really a tiny part of the story.

Anyway, I'm wishing you all the best.

[Frogge]

Right now, you're both probably super-defensive because both of you feel really guilty about the way you handled things ... and you're both really really scared ... and since the other is imperfect and actually did make mistakes, you are getting angry at each other ... But the anger is really a tiny part of the story.

Thanks, Phillyman... this is exactly what it is. He acts as if all of this doesn't bother him, and I know that's not true. I, on the other hand, get very frustrated because I am very vocal about my fears -and emotional (as most women are I guess..LOL). The fact is we are dealing with the same scary problem.

[AngelinaCatHub]

Clap, Clap, Clap, at you ‘philly. What I said and what you said is the secret to getting through this. Not just for our friend Ms. “Frogge”, but for everyone. Ms. Frogge has posted many things that have made me feel good. That is a little gem in her celestial Crown. So we all see, there is nothing new under the sun. We are all in this boat together and what works for some, JUST MAY WORK FOR YOU!!. Ms. Frogge, please try what I and ‘philly say. Let us know how it went. Remember, you are anonymous here, but you are a loved individual here. Unnamed but loved. ‘Hub

Thanks ‘philly. U B good.

[Frogge]

Good News.

DH and I haven't really talked all day and what was said has been mean or snarky. My daughter has a friend over to stay the night so I didn't want to chance a conflict.. I've been hiding out in the bedroom and he's been cleaning the garage...

Anyway, he came in the BR and said, "Baby, I'm sorry... for whatever, I don't want to argue anymore." Of course I ran & hugged him,
He said "you know we'll be ok, it's just money."
Me: "I know, I am sorry too.. I just feel like a big loser, I feel like I screwed everything up.. etc."
He said: "No, you didn't. and it's going to be OK. It's all good. We are together, no matter what happens. That's all that matters anyway."

Oh, I feel so much better right now. I feel like this is huge, like maybe we can get through this after all. You guys rock, thank you.

[Phillymanhere]

Wow, I wasn't expecting you guys to be nice to each other so soon! ... Congratulations!!!!!!

[justplaintired]

Thank you!!




Today is a bad day, we are not really speaking and I feel pretty hopeless. He's so tired of hearing my rants, I don't blame him. I know this will get better, and I will start talking better to myself --I agree I am my worst enemy right now! I think that's the number one problem, I'm still feeling like I should have done things differently. But -- IT IS WHAT IT IS. That's DH's favorite saying, if I could start believing that I could get rid of these stomach knots.

Thank you thank you thank you.

First off your welcome, no problem. I feels good to know you're not the only one.

Ok today was a bad day here, fight over $5 today. Stupid I know but one thing led to another and the fight was on. I clam up after a fight, won't talk, childish I know but it's my way of dealing with it. DH likes to act like nothing happened. I only wish I knew how to do that.

Let me give you a little advice about the BK, don't talk about it with DH for awhile. Come here instead. He knows what you have to do. If he's like mine, he has accepted it, he just doesn't want to talk about it. Long as he is on board for the BK, your going to be fine. Make a list of things you think he should know. Write it down, offer it to him to read. Not everyday, just once in awhile. Let it rest. I did. I was obsessed, he wasn't. I tell him things now and then, but honestly, when it gets closer to time, we'll talk more, right now, we don't need anything more to fight about. If we can fight over $5 at a garage sale, we sure don't need a BK to fight about.

Now here's the other thing, quit beating yourself up. We all think like you are, if we had done this, if we had done that we wouldn't be here. But we are. We all wish we could wave a wand and undo what's done, but we can't. So your best bet is to move on. Look at this like it a chance at a new beginning, that's what I do. Whenever I start like you said if I had done things different, I remember they will be different, because I won't ever go down this path again. Lord willing we will be fine, we won't ever go into this kind of debt again, because we will be smarter. You will be too.

I'm glad you worked it out. Always seems to doesn't it? Now sit back take a deep breath and enjoy your family. Things will be fine. We fight, we make up. We fight, we make up. I think they call this marriage???!!! LOL

[Frogge]

Wow, I wasn't expecting you guys to be nice to each other so soon! ... Congratulations!!!!!!

LOL, I was the most surprised.. I REALLY hope I'm not speaking too soon and we aren't screaming again tomorrow.. but I think this is a good start.

[JRScott]

I'm glad things are going better .

Perhaps the time spent in the garage helped him look at things differently, helped him get out his own frustration with himself so that he could come and talk

[Frogge]

Let me give you a little advice about the BK, don't talk about it with DH for awhile. Come here instead. He knows what you have to do. If he's like mine, he has accepted it, he just doesn't want to talk about it.

You're awesome.. Yes, I plan on keeping to myself about anything BK-related until it's necessary to bring him for any reason.. I think he understands that I have to 'do my thing'..

I'm glad things are going better .

Perhaps the time spent in the garage helped him look at things differently, helped him get out his own frustration with himself so that he could come and talk

Absolutely, he was out there for hours working his butt off, organizing, straightening up, etc.. I think he was thinking a LOT. The garage looks REALLY great. LOL

[Phillymanhere]

I can think of 10,000 worse things a guy can do other than work in the garage all day ... I really think you guys may be more constructive than you think you are with each other ....Getting away from each other without adding further poison (or acting out in a destructive way) is an extremely mature and helpful thing for couples to do ...

Marriage therapists spend dozens of hours trying to get fighting couples to make a move like that ... It's actually harder to do than it seems, much harder ... I'm glad you told us about this. I got to remember this the next time I get married! When the big conflict comes, I'm gonna go to the garage like Frogge's husband!!!

[liz417]

Yay!!
I knew things would work out, you guys just need a little time apart and away from you money problems!

Take Care