I am SO FURIOUS with my husband.

[gymbo]

I am about to lose it.
Here's the story in a nutshell.

Hub used to pay the bills - and pd the house payment late in November (didn't tell me) AND he pd the second mortgage late in January.
I took over paying the bills, and while it has not been easy, and I have to be creative, and sometimes (many times) use credit cards - nothing has been late since.

Before contemplating BK, I wanted to refinance the house to pay off some debt. That's how I found out we had these late payments. Bank said "paying a mortgage or 2nd mortgage payment late is the worst thing you can do to your credit report and you have one of each... NO bank will touch you." After MUCH begging and pleading I got one bank to drop the 2nd mortgage late from my credit report. (scores dropped from 700's to low-mid600's)

My husband gets a flex check from work for $192 every 2 weeks.
Since the 2nd mortgage payment is directly withdrawn from a second checking acct (bank requires that), his job is to make sure there is at least $106 in that acct every month. (from the flex money).

Not a big task.
I pay ALL of the other bills.
On time.

Tonight he "mentions" he hasn't deposited a flex check into that acct in a while. i asked if the 2nd mort payment was now late and his answer was
"I don't know."

WHAT???
HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE???
ONE BILL TO PAY AND YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW IF IT'S LATE???

I am sooooooooooo angry.
For all I know he's been paying late for the past 6 months!!!

I know if/when we file BK our credit will be crap anyway but I want to keep the house.

I guess I am so angry that I worry about our situation 24 hrs a day and he doesn't think about it AT ALL.

GRRRRRRRRRR

Sorry for the rant.

[BK2008]

Unfortunately, maybe you will need to get that flex check from him and deposit it yourself, giving him the change.
Yeah, it shouldn;t be your responsibility, but if you want no late payments, then you're going to have to take the bull by the horns,
Some folks just have no knack for bill paying, some can do a great job at it.

[liz417]

Does it really look bad if you've had a late payment or two right before BK? I hope not, I've been late twice (ever in my life) because I am trying to save the $$ to pay the lawyer...if that's the case...I'm screwed....

Gymbo,

I think you are going to have to handle all the bills...some people just do care....
try not to stress.

[gymbo]

Yes, I am headed to the bank tomorrow to figure out when this is do ... add this bill on top of all the others I will be responsible for. I am just so frustrated.

There are posters on here - AngelinaCat and AngelinaCatHub who were recently posting on the same thread at the same time from different computers. I am so envious of that. Financial failure would be easier to work through if I had a partner who was at least paying attention to the struggle. I turn 40 next year and it is becoming more clear to me that I will celebrate as a divorced, bankrupted, single mother. Not exactly what I had planned.

I was seriously so angry tonight I walked out of the house and straight to the gym and took out so much aggression on the weights I should have looked like a WWF wrestler when I left. haha. But I don't

[BK2008]

Get online and start monitoring your mortgages, credit cards and bank accounts, You can see what is happening when.

Also useful is financial software. I prefer MS Money myself, I have it set up to download transactions, and I balance my accounts daily.

[justplaintired]

Our house is the same. DH doesn't pay the bills I do. I try to talk to him about them, he has no idea how expensive things are getting, or he plays stupid I think cause it makes it easier to gripe at me when we are broke. I've thought about leaving numerous times, but I stay.

You need to get yourself current before you file if you're filing a C7. It won't really be a huge problem then in your BK. My recommendation is have money deposited into an acct you use to pay mortgages and don't let him touch them ever again. I know that stinks, but otherwise you'll have this struggle forever.

Good luck!

[rfassett]

OK, two points.
First, you need to stop stressing over this so much and just be proactive is solving the problem. Sit down with hubby and map out a livable budget that makes sense to both of you. Set some ground rules - no pointing fingers, no yelling, no sighing. What is past is past. Leave it there. Maybe contemplate getting some marriage counseling or the divorce scenario is a selffulling prophecy. Ask yourself if you really want to go there.

And second, if you are seriously contemplating bk, then why would you want to convert dischargeable debt to non-dischargeable debt - credit cards (unsecured) to mortgage (secured). That late payment and the bank's refusal to talk about refinancing may have been one of the better things that could happen at this point.

[Phillymanhere]

Hey there,

I'm not going to tell you to stop stressing because I assume you're really worried about dh as much as you are angry at him. I'm worried about him. He may be experiencing that male "failure" meltdown, where he goes into complete denial and just can't bring himself to talk to his loved one about how many mistakes he's made or how lost he feels or how despairing he is over his job situation and finances.

And of course by now, you have probably learned that despite all the supposed socialization we receive, men have no more clue about money than women do. Yes, it's part of our act, our fantasy to pretend we know something and yes there are many who do read the financial pages and actually do know something. But putting that something into responsible practice--well that's an entirely different stew of beans.

My brother and sister-in-law can now laugh about her belief early in their marriage that he should be the one to pay the bills and caretake the finances. Well after the check bouncing and the negative ATM balances, she came to her senses and now they and I wonder how they could ever have thought otherwise. She's 100 times more organized than he is. What were they thinking? .... Well, I assume it was the male knows finances thing ...

So this is a good site for you ... also, I encourage you to talk to some of your TRUSTED girlfriends, people with whom it is safe to talk about this. That will allow you to let off some steam and also to get grounded as you deal with this. Also they might have some good ideas for how to approach your situa tion in the most constructive way possible.

We're good here in offering financial support and some emotional relationship support as well, but I think girlfriends and therapists are better.

[Lajazz947]

Let me speak from a male perspective. I am really good at making money, not good at budgeting.

I have an incredible wife that now pays our bills, put me on a per diem budget and told me that she was in my corner all the way as long as I work with her because I am a great dad, a good provider and understand and hopefully learn from my mistakes.

She put everything on a spreadsheet, called our utility companies, spread payments out and generally played called them all, told them I had messed it up and now she runs the show.

It took a spreadsheet, complete with APR's, balances, min payments to show me what we owed.

It was SHE that suggested possible BK after I went to a consumer credit service.

Try the team approach if you haven't. He has to be humble and I certainly am at this point.

Good luck, this stuff can rip marriages apart if taken lightly.
My problem and maybe your hubs was ego and wanting to take care of it all. guess what, I can't. I get overwhelmed.

If your h

[Frogge]

DH doesn't pay the bills I do. I try to talk to him about them, he has no idea how expensive things are getting, or he plays stupid I think cause it makes it easier to gripe at me when we are broke. I've thought about leaving numerous times, but I stay.

Same, same, same here.

[gymbo]

And second, if you are seriously contemplating bk, then why would you want to convert dischargeable debt to non-dischargeable debt - credit cards (unsecured) to mortgage (secured). That late payment and the bank's refusal to talk about refinancing may have been one of the better things that could happen at this point.

This is absolutely the truth. I really felt at that point we were out of options. That's when I started researching bankruptcy. Even if the bank called today and offered a reasonable refinance plan - I'm not sure we would do it. Every day I am learning a little more that bankruptcy is not so much about failure - and more about a fresh start. I don't think handing over what equity we have in the house to the cc co's is in the best interest of my family.

And I want to thank everyone who chimed in on my rant. (especially the male perspectives) I totally understand where everyone is coming from. I have cooled off today although I did sleep in the guest bedroom last night
All I'm saying is, I took the whole load of handling the finances when I realized what a mess we were in ... (he never told me - I found out when I opened a cc bill and saw a $1700 transfer to the checking acct - realized we were in trouble - called the bank about refi - that's when I found out about the late mortgage pays... and it snowballed from there) At that point I did not blame him, I blamed myself for living with my head in the sand a believing him when he said we were "fine".
When I first realized we were in trouble he said "I though I could fix it." (That's the male pride thing)

I'm angry because I worked hard to get the bank to drop one of the late pays and get it off of our credit report and I am on this forum all the time trying to figure out what to do and THE ONLY THING he has to do is make sure that $106 payment is made from the other bank every month (I don't think we can access that online for some reason but I am trying to figure it out)

That's why I was so angry.
Not paying that one bill said to me he just figures he has me to clean up the mess.

OK when I started writing this I wanted it to be a "thanks and sorry I went off" but it is turning into another rant so I will stop.

But no one knows what we are going through so if I did not have this forum to vent on - I'm not sure where I would let off this steam. So thanks so much.

[AngelinaCat]

Gymbo, this is what we're here for. Vent all you want and need to.

[AngelinaCatHub]

No, Ms. Gymbo, you are not unique. I saw my Dad do this to my Mom. He was a classic Sociopath. Google it you may have the same. When I was quite young and newly married with a great job, I found out that Mom was two payments behind in the mortgage. My wife and I paid it to date.

My Dad had a junker car needing tires and a battery. It was a Chev Corvair, so you can get the idea of age.

They eventually divorced and he passed of cancer at age 52. I have outlived him by 15 years but I am no a Sociopath but I have had my bit with cancer too.

Ms. Gymbo, you are not unique at all. You are one of many just like you and US. We are here for errors or things we have not control over. You seem to have a handle on this thing. Please attempt to recover your marriage as that is most important [to a point].

Go this route of bk if you can, but be vigilant. Remember, you will get a new start. That does NOT mean start the same mistake over. I wish you well and will be watching your posts. Please keep us informed. It is cathartic for you and we as well. ‘Hub

[EmmaPeel007]

Same, same, same here.

Count me in.

[liz417]

Hi there,

It was nice to hear it from a male perspective...thanks guys for chiming in. I handle all the finances, my hubby has no interest. Just last night he asked me, "are we going to be just as broke next week as we were last week?" AGGHHH, I am trying to save money to pay our attorney...where does he think the money is coming from, the money fairy???!!!!????

Hang in there gymbo and just realize that you need to be proactive in your finances.

Good Luck