DH not cooperating

[goingout]

At this point in time the vast majority of debt that was left from dh's business is in my name. some of the debt in my name is from household expenses. The mortgage is in DH's name but we are both on the deed. I need both our paychecks to make all the payments. DH is threatening to withhold his paychecks. So, if he does this, if I cannot pay all the bills, what are my choices?

I suppose I cover my own ass as much as possible and pay the debt in my name. If he wants to let the house go, we forclose and we have a while to find a rental etc. If I cannot pay all the cc off on my salary alone, and I don't think I can (I don't think I'll want to anymore), then what? I guess I pay to the best of my ability and then file for bankruptcy? If we are still legally married though is it assumed I have access to his pay to make these payments? Should I proceed with divorce proceeding sooner or later, or does it make a difference?

If it comes to this I don't think I'll care anymore weather I'm married or divorced to him. I just want to do whatever is best for me and the kids.

[arkienurse]

At this point in time the vast majority of debt that was left from dh's business is in my name. some of the debt in my name is from household expenses. The mortgage is in DH's name but we are both on the deed. I need both our paychecks to make all the payments. DH is threatening to withhold his paychecks. So, if he does this, if I cannot pay all the bills, what are my choices?

I suppose I cover my own ass as much as possible and pay the debt in my name. If he wants to let the house go, we forclose and we have a while to find a rental etc. If I cannot pay all the cc off on my salary alone, and I don't think I can (I don't think I'll want to anymore), then what? I guess I pay to the best of my ability and then file for bankruptcy? If we are still legally married though is it assumed I have access to his pay to make these payments? Should I proceed with divorce proceeding sooner or later, or does it make a difference?

If it comes to this I don't think I'll care anymore weather I'm married or divorced to him. I just want to do whatever is best for me and the kids.

It sounds like you guys have some problems that would benefit from marriage counseling. If he won't go, it still might benefit you to go on your own for a few sessions to help you decide what to do with your marriage. If you can't afford the counseling, there should be a mental health clinic in you area that offers payments based on what you can afford, or some of the bigger churches in your area usually have someone available. I know several people on the forum have gone through both bk and divorce, and from them it doesn't seem advisable to go through BOTH at the same time. You should probably schedule some free consultations with local bankruptcy attorneys. Most any will see you for free that first time, and they would certainly be able to give you advice as to which you should do first if it comes down to divorce and bankruptcy for you.


Why on earth is he threatening to withhold his check? And what does he plan to do with it if you all don't use it to pay bills?

[JRScott]

Well the first thing to do is see if it is a communal property state. If it is then even if the debt is in your name he's responsible for it.

Next as arkie says seek out marriage counseling. Financial problems lead to more divorces and failed marriages than anything else. See if your husband will go.

If you don't live in a community property state then it might be possible for you to file bankruptcy on your own without your husband and marital estates being affected. This would take a lawyer though probably looking at the totality of the situation to sort out. Most bk lawyers will give a free initial consult. I'd check with 3-4.

Even if you live in a community property state you probably need to make those lawyer consults. It is best if you can get your husband to go with you so you both understand all options and what will happen.

[Cali]

I would divorce my hubby if he acted like your hubby is.

[momof5]

It sounds like your husband has his own idea of what marriage is about. Witholding or threatening to withhold money is a form of abuse. You sound like you care enough about yourself and your children that you already understand that though. I think if he is this cruel I am not sure what counseling is going to do. From what you have written I assume there is even more to his LACK of manly attitude.

The good news is that his name is on the mortgage..... So technically at this point you are NOT responsible for the payments. Being on the deed just says you own the home as well. Most useful if your spouse passes away.

If you can get away from him now..... use your own money for your own bills,your own housing and your own life. Beat him at his own game. Let him be the one to figure out how to survive without YOUR paycheck. Sounds like you've got a good head on your shoulders. Your employed which puts you in a position that many women are not in at the time of divorce.


Skip the Bk attorney and get a GOOD divorce attorney at this point. While I don't advocate divorce. Your husband is supposed to be your other half. He should be supporting you and taking care of his family and his responsibilities. Not causing you to have to worry about how to survive.

Good luck to you.

[AngelinaCat]

Please forgive my ignorance, but what is a DH? I can guess from the contextual clues in the posts, but I have learned the hard way to ASS_UME_nothing.

ThanX

[Cali]

DH - Dear Hubby

Please forgive my ignorance, but what is a DH? I can guess from the contextual clues in the posts, but I have learned the hard way to ASS_UME_nothing.

ThanX

[southernbelle]

I agree whole heartedly with momof5. I divorced a man that cared more about himself than our marriage and caused me many financial problems I'm still dealing with. If you can get away and live on your own with your income only, take care of yourself and your kids first and foremost. Meet with a few BK attys in your area to get free consultations to get a better idea of what you should do, but make sure you know which should be filed first to better suit you, divorce or BK.

[goingout]

I think it's all about control for him. He doesn't like the fact that I now have total control over the finances. But, I didn't always have total control. I gradually took more control until as he kept messing things up. He ruined his business because he didn't want to pay attention to financial matters. He had credit cards he could use if he really needed to purchase something but he kept using them on things that we had agreed not to. We had agreed on a spending budget but he never stuck to it and when he ran out used the card. So, I destroyed them.

I’m not sure what he was ranting about this weekend. He doesn’t like the credit union I use. But I do all the banking so it barely affects him at all. I think he just doesn’t like that he can’t walk into a bank branch and get his money out. So, he’s threatening to open his own account and going to put his check in it. I don’t know what he thinks is going to happen after that. He’s had his own accounts before and he kept overdrawing them.

Anyway, I think he’s bluffing. And, if he’s not I’m walking away.

[FreshLikeADaisy]

Goingout, I can't tell you how much I agree with Momof5 and Southernbelle, and I am really glad you are looking at leaving as an option. I too see the withholding of financial support as a very real form of abuse, and I've been around enough controllers to know life is much better without them, no matter what they threaten. Living with them -- for me, at least -- always entails living some kind of lie and keeping up some huge pretense; I guess I just don't have it in me anymore to do that. Glad to hear you're on the same page!!! I'm just sorry to know you went through what you had to go through to get to this understanding.

But the actual reason I am responding to your post is that when I first read it, the very first line caught my eye and never let go of me. Personally, when you said that at this point in time the vast majority of debt that was left from your dh's business is in your own name, it struck me that that was no accident. His business, your debt, hmmm. Not joint, yours alone. His got paid off first, apparently, or he managed to initiate most of his debt using your credit to begin with.

Amazing how things worked out that way.

Please forgive me if I seem critical; I guess I'm just jaded that way, so please don't think I'm critical of you or your choices. But if it ever comes to a day where you've walked out (or are packing to do so) and are suddenly struck with doubt that you're doing the right thing, just remember... his business, your debt, that took planning and intent. You're aware of his need (and actions) to control you; you may not be aware of how deep or long-planned or even just plain ol' mercenary those controls really are. Again, please forgive me; I don't usually write such a negative post, but... something about what you wrote really got my attention and I felt I had to respond.

Good luck to you and your kids!!!

[goingout]

No, it's not quite that bad. I paid off the debt with my credit cards because I had better rates and we could therefore get it paid off quicker. I have it all planned out. I gave a lot of thought into doing it and I did not take it lighty. Basically, the conclusion I came to was that as long as we were in a marriage together, and I had hoped to continue the marriage at the time, our financial fate was pretty much tied together. We depended on each other finacially and still do. So, when we made the decision not to file, and to make a go of paying it off ourselves, it only made sense to move the debt to the lower interest cards. Another factor in my decision was the conclusion that my credit wasn't all that important to me. My marriage was more important. I was, and am now, aware that it may not work out and we may end up filing regardless. I am prepared for that.

But, I need him to coorperate with me to make this plan work. If he is not willing to contribute, if he is not willing to cooperate with the plan I have for getting us out of this mess, then he is not holding up his end of the marriage as I see it. So, if it comes to that, well, that's when I'm done with all this. That is not a marriage in my view. I feel strongly that both partners need to do thier best to contribute to the family unit. If he wants to stay married to me he needs to hold up his end of the deal.

I just want to be prepared, so that going forward I can make the best decisions possible. Ultimately, it's the well being of my kids that's at stake here and I want the best for them.

[Cali]

I don't think he has any regard for the marriage if he has the nerve to say he isn't going to help you. That IMO is when the marriage is in trouble and needs to be taken care of.

I am too old to play games like this and if my hubby ever lost his mind to think something like this was an option..he would be gone quick fast and in a hurry. I can do bad alone.

[justplaintired]

Sounds to me like you have a selfish one here. Very selfish. To let you carry the burden of this debt seems cruel. My DH is sorta the same way, however he gives me his work check, he keeps his mowing check which we pay taxes on. He says that is his money. No matter what. I deal with lots of resentment about this. However, he does give the family his complete work check no questions asked. Ofcourse I give all my work check from both of my jobs. This summer he has our boys working for him and he does pay them for it. It's not alot of money, but we also claim it on our BK, so it does bother me that I can't ask for any of that cash. Sorry to ramble there.

Anyway, I do relate to how you must feel and I do wish you luck. If he helped make the debt, then he helps pay the debt. That or you file BK and they will go after him, not you.

[BKOnce]

What is "DH"?? well..

If husband is "lovely/lovable", wife shoud call him as Dear Hubby;

If husband is selfish/unloyal, wife should call him as Dead Hubby!

[goingout]

Dasterdly Hubby
Disloyal Hubby
Dumb Hubby