Need general emotional support from those in the know...

[ichb]

We have told very few people about our decision to file bankruptcy, which turned out to be a good idea. The people who are closest to us seem to be judging us the harshest. My husband and I have serious mental illnesses (severe depression, anxiety, and I have ADHD) these illnesses are clinical, we've always been this way. In the last 5 years or so we've gotten some good treatment and are finally able to work/go to school to make our situation better.

We have to be very careful about the changes we make in our lives. Stop taking a med, lose a week or month of productive living. Take the wrong job, burn out really quickly and fall into depression for having to quit. We've been very stable and in reasonably good shape for a few years now. We even have really excellent credit (for now). But we made a bunch of bad choices and now the only way to make any headway with our debt is to file a Chapter 13.

We've already made a lot of positive changes in our life since finding out we were in this situation. No more credit cards or signature loans EVER! Given our brain chemistries we have to treat them like an addiction and never touch one again. Everything will be in cash, and now we actually have a budget.

None of the good things we are doing financially are even reaching the ears of our family and friends who know about the decision to file. They are all telling us that we could just work more jobs, I could quit school, we could call the credit card companies and get them to lower our interest rates, sell a car (in this state you can't get around without one). But with our medical expenses and regular living expenses (we do not have a cell phone or cable tv) so we are just living with what we must. Obviously internet is a must LOL.

We are going to liquidate what we can (after we get advice of a lawyer on how and when), and we are going to be able to go on a 100% payment plan with the BK. But we are getting so beat down with some people acting like this is such a terrible thing and that we are such terrible people and failures. Our lives will be ruined forever by this and we'll never again get any credit. Blah, blah, blah. I cry all the time, can't sleep, can't eat (or eat everything in sight) I don't know how we'll ever get through this.

Thank you so much for letting me vent.

[Phillymanhere]

hey ichb,
First of all, let me throw a little support your way for coming to the board. And double-support for facing up to your financial situation and taking steps to address it.

I too am someone who suffers depression and adhd, and I know how debilitating those conditions can be (even if the rest of the world doesn't understand them). So my heart goes out to you guys. Depressed folks and folks with adhd are extremely vulnerable to all kinds of maladies, including binge spending and simple failure to take care of themselves. So you are to be congratulated for addressing those conditions!

There was a recent thread here on the board asking people who they told about filing bk. Most people told very few people. From what I can remember, most did not tell family; or if they told family, they sought out only those family members they knew would give them support. Therein lies your mistake, I regret to say.

Ichb--you did NOT have to tell anyone, and reading between the lines, it seems predictable that these folks would react the way they did. If that's true: I really think you can ask yourself: why would I tell them?

People with adhd and depression often struggle with relationships. We often have trouble reading body language, processing information. Our brains race or our brains take in huge amounts of information without the normal sorting and screening and filtering that goes on in other people's minds. Bottom line: adhd people often fail to learn from previous obvious mistakes. We have a hard time anticipating what could be pretty obvious. Our brains, for example, fail to remind us that this person we are about to share an intimate secret with reacted horribly the last time we shared an intimate secret with them.

I hope you are seeing a counselor of some sort. You do NOT have to give these other folks power over you. You are an adult: where is it written that we are required to get the support of our family and friends?

I think you can be proud of yourself for getting help for the depression and anxiety and adhd. That's a major achievement. But it sounds like you are still tied to the approval of these other folks. Bad move. I would bet that none of these critical folks know anything about bankruptcy; i bet few have come to this board. What's more, it's YOUR life.

By the way, lawyers can be good at helping you confront the guilt over this. Have you met with 3 or 4 lawyers yet for free consultations? Is there any possibility you qualify for chapter 7? I hope you are not letting guilt and anxiety from the reactions of others drive you to file a 13 when a 7 is appropriate.

We love you here. You have much to be proud about. I'd say quit trying to persuade these other folks and focus on persuading yourself! ... The fact that these folks can have such an effect on you means you've given them too much authority in your life and you're doubting yourself too much. Tune into what YOU think. Listen to it and do it!

As they say in certain meetings, keep coming back.

[hendry70]

Hang in there. Good luck to you.

[keepmine]

Are you sure you can't file a Chapyer 7?

[ichb]

Since we have student loans and secured loans and some assets to protect, although not many we have determined it is more beneficial to us to file the chapter 13, and believe it or not, cheaper on our monthly payments. We are really close to the median income anyway.

Thanks everyone for the posts, it's great knowing that we are not alone.

[jane taylor]

No, you are not alone! I have struggled for years with depression, low self-esteem and posttraumatic stress disorder. Shopping was my game and budgeting was my nemesis. Combine that with three job losses and very complicated medical problems and you have a BIG mess. And my family has been HORRIBLE, especially my brother. Every time I talk to him he only has something hateful to say. I used to cry, now I just get REALLY p#@**! I am working on "blessing those who curse me." Ain't there yet, but am trying.

In a couple of months we should be closing on our house sale and after the little bit of inheritance I received from a relative's passing is paid to the trustee I will still have a little extra to start over ahd it will be great to be free!

I've learned many painful lessons through this, the most painful is to never assume your family will be there for you in your hour of need.

Good luck to you and keep posting! These good folks have kept me out of the psych ward for now!

[FreshLikeADaisy]

Ichb, if a Ch13 is what works for you, then forge ahead. It is an honest and honorable solution to a situation that is otherwise insoluble; accept no shame for it.

I think, when the time is better and you're not so stressed, you may wish to consider the toxic people in your life and how to break away from that over time. I cannot think of one more hateful obstacle to overcoming mental disorders than to have other people playing your thoughts and emotions because it's right for *them* to do so. Regardless of the truthfulness or validity of their general concepts, the fact that they are being delivered in such unsupportive and guilt-laden ways, repeatedly, suggests to me that when you are ready, you may want to reconsider your relationships with these people altogether.

In the meantime, stay strong, be proud of what you've accomplished (getting stable when your brain is out of whack is no small feat, and usually ends up being close to a miracle!) and *try* to let the judgements of others slide off of you. That's their problem, their shame, their [whatever], not yours. Don't be ashamed to live your life and to celebrate what you have achieved... because from where I sit, you've achieved quite a lot!

I wish you both the very best as you figure this out and move forward with such courage to bettering your lives!!!

[FreshLikeADaisy]

P.S. Regarding the atty interviews... do several, not just one. And read up on your own so that you understand bk and can ask the right questions. It's a little extra time and effort, but it will pay off in spades if it keeps you from the wrong atty or the wrong filing. (See my sig. ) Good luck!!!

[One Half Full]

When it comes to "Advice" from my particular family: long ago, they got their 3 strikes. They blew it, and now receive information, very much "spun," and never anything with which they can find ammunition to attack me. I love them dearly but they are nit-picking back-stabbers. I have one brother whom I trust (somewhat) and after I told him, he was begging me to go to one of these credit counseling services you see on late night TV, even as we were hearing that they were mostly frauds. After he had his little advice-fit, I became Ms. Quiet again. The fact is (IMHO) we people feel far too confessional in times of stress. Your family is not on the Short list of who should know wildly intimate things about your personal financial problems. They are not professionals, they do not have the facts, and they can't give you any advice that will get you out of the mess. The only thing they can do is tell you how wrong you are, even if you are right, and it sounds like they are doing it well.

You WILL get out of this fine. Your credit will be bruised for a while. Best wishes.

[Phillymanhere]

I told two friends about my bk situation, two that I just knew I could trust.

Both were surprised and a little scared for me, but as soon as I told them that I could purchase a house after 2 years and could indeed buy a car and get credit again in not too long, they were both understanding. I didn't mind them being skeptical at first--after all, friends' jobs are to sometimes serve as a check on your thinking, especially during a time of stress and possible panic. But both have been wonderful.

I've told no family members because they ALWAYS disappoint me in their responses. Not only do I NOT get the support I want, but I always end up stunned and shocked and hurt and angry on top of that. Put it this way, telling certain family members is an extremely risky investment. And I have no need to gamble at the moment.

[Flamingo]

We have told very few people about our decision to file bankruptcy, which turned out to be a good idea. The people who are closest to us seem to be judging us the harshest. My husband and I have serious mental illnesses (severe depression, anxiety, and I have ADHD) these illnesses are clinical, we've always been this way. In the last 5 years or so we've gotten some good treatment and are finally able to work/go to school to make our situation better.(

If the people you told about your BK really were involved in your finances, they would not be harsh. Maybe they thought you might be having problems but really didn't know how bad. We all try to hide things and maybe you told these people you were filing and they just did not know how bad things are? People who have not experienced a debilitating job loss with major loss of income or face a medical emergency that drains one checking account or have not had major financial problems will think you can eliminate debt in the blink of an eye with a little effort. Sometimes that just cannot be done as we all know. They also may feel threatened now that you are going to file in that they don't know how to deal with the term "bankruptcy" thinking it is a big read "B" that will appear above your head when you are with them or something. Bankruptcy just does not have the stigma it used to have as now it is newspaper everyday as occuring to many people no matter who you are.

Now if these friends/family knew your entire financial situatoin and what was happening, they should not be acting the way they are or they are really not close/good family friends. Good, close relatives or friends bleed along with you in any situation and are always there with a shoulder to cry on or any other support you may need. They do not criticize. Maybe some more explanation on your part is indicated so they will no the depths of your financial problems.

There is ADD and ADHD in our family along with OCD so I am aware of how that can impact one's decisions when suffering from one of these disorders. It is not easy. He deals with a lot of forgetfullness and procrastination habits for which medication does help but does not totally eliminate the issues. As you know, it is a constant effort.

Just feel good about yourselves and what you are doing because it is your lives that need to get straightened out and you are on the right path to do it based on your situation. Best of luck...

[Flamingo]

In my second to the last paragraph above, there is a sentence missing that mentions my hubby suffers from ADD. It must have been inadvently deleted before I posted leaving the rest of the paragraph to be nonsensical....sorry! :-)

[HAP]

Good luck to you in your situation. I hope everything works out for you.

However, I hope in your statement of you having ADHD you were not including that as one of your "serious mental illnesses".

As a mother whose son has ADHD, I do not consider it a mental illness at all, a quirk - yes and something we have to deal with on a frequent basis but never an illness. Now if you have depression stemming from the fact that you have ADHD or are perhaps bi-polar, I guess I can see where you are coming from in that statement.

At any rate, I hope you all both get the help you need in all of life's difficult situations (financial and otherwise).

[ichb]

Thank you,

I have depression and anxiety in addition to the ADHD. My husband has depression and anxiety. In my case the depression and anxiety (I'm agoraphobic) are more debilitating.

I also have fibromyalgia and osteoarthritis. But I refuse to let the fibro get in my way anymore. Although it does keep me from certain types of job that have too much physical stuff.

[ichb]

I'm a total idiot!!!

I'm estranged from most of my family through no fault of my own and it has nothing to do with my current financial situation. Anyway the only family member who has stayed in contact with me is my Aunt and since my mom won't talk to me (she has a mental illness), it's been extremely nice to have a family member to talk to. And she calls me several times a week.

I decided (wrongly) that I couldn't continue to talk to her so often and not let her know what is going on in my life. And boy did I get a lecture, and she was the worst of all the people I told.

So I just spent the last half hour defending myself and trying to explain to her that I cannot just quit school and get a full time job. I do work now and will have an additional job over the summer which will put me at full time. Telling her that we blame no one but ourselves for our debt and that we are doing what necessary to survive.

Why do I insist on causing myself so much anguish?

Just so I finally get to finish telling somebody: My reasoning for staying in school rather than quitting to get a full-time job is that in the 4 - 5 semesters that I have left I will have a bachelors degree in software engineering, a field that is in great demand here. I'll make much much more money than I would at any job that my current skill level will allow. Also with my own mental illnesses (depression, anxiety, and ADHD), I can't just work anywhere because I don't have the staying power if I'm bored.

Even less understanding about the mental illnesses than the bankruptcy. I really wish I could learn to keep my mouth shut.

Thank you guys so much for letting me vent.