Who did you tell about BK?

[fslady]

Just 1 person

My daughter is the only person I told and she has been totally supportive. There is no one at work that I would consider telling - might as well put it on the 10 o'clock news. But my next payment will be 15 out of 60! 25% down!

[Cali]

Everyone, I'm promoting it. People with financial difficulty don't need to struggle if the help is out there. Nothing to be ashamed about. There are several co-workers who have come to me with inquiries into the BK process. One co-worker filed Ch7 and is done and over with, she is sooo relieved! If your willing to ride through a bit of bad credit for the next umpteen years and be able to get rid of thousand of dollars, WHY NOT. In my opinnion its a small sacrifice rather than having to struggle day by day owing thousands of dollars and stressing out for so many days, weeks, months and years.

Catchmeifyoucan

I totally agree!

[zenmamajen]

I've talked about it with a few close friends and my son, all of whom are totally supportive. I avoid talking money with my family and colleagues as much as possible.

[TroubleinCalif]

Keep personal stuff personal and keep work stuff at work..........

Everybody is on a need to know basis.........

[danaf]

I've told some family because I knew they might get calls. And 1 friend.

But co-workers, no way. My business would be all over the office.

However one woman from work did tell me she was planning to file. I just kept my mouth shut.

[FreshLikeADaisy]

One of the things I've noticed (not with bk so much, but with general hardship) is that it tends to poke people right in the heart of their own fears and insecurities: somewhere deep inside, they know that it could happen to them. Unfortunately, some people deal with this fear by finding a reason to blame you for your misfortune whether you deserve it or not, whether they know the details or not, just because being in your shoes scares the livin' daylights out of them in some very deep place.

I ran into this a great deal, especially because I had done all the "right" things and still got sidelined by poverty, illness, foreclosure, now bk. And people were downright mean about it too. So no, I haven't told anyone about my bk in real life: if they're still around after all this, they know everything anyway. And if they judged me and/or split, they don't know squat anyway. So that adds up to maybe five or six people that know.

Present company excepted, of course.

I'm not working right now so office gossip isn't an issue, but unless you want the whole world to know, the office is not a good place to share your secrets. I don't have that problem right now, but if anyone's thinking about sharing their bk at work... you might want to rethink it. It could work out well, or it could work out absolutely horribly. *shudder* I'm with Ep and the others on this. Honestly, I can't imagine willingly telling anyone at work about my financial difficulties. If it didn't work out and I found myself judged and pitied and gossiped about instead of supported, well, trying to retract a statement like that is like trying to pull pee out of a swimming pool...

[justplaintired]

We told no one. My parents totally wouldn't understand, they are very old school and believe only deadbeats file BK. Yeah they are living in a fantasy world.

Far as hubby's family, well they would understand, but they also talk alot so before long everyone would know. So we decided it was something we wanted to keep between us. Someday we may tell, but for now while we are in the beginning of all this, we feel like it's our business and no one elses.

That's why I am so glad to have found this forum, atleast their are people on here I can share my worries with.

[woeisme]

My husband and I filed CH 13 BK in Sept of 07. I'm not ashamed of our decision, I know it was the right one for us, but I'm also not broadcasting it because it's no one else's business.

Right now 3 of my sisters-in-law know, my son, and my step-children. We told 1 sister-in-law and the stepchildren because they are always bumming money off of us, and needed to know that the trustee is taking all of our disposable income for the next 5 years, so hitting us up for money every week needed to stop!

The sister-in-law (husband's sister) who we told then told their other sister because she's a big stinking blabber-mouth who was probably annoyed since she'd been weaseling a couple hundred a month out of my husband and now only gets $50-100 a month from him. (I know, I know... but it's been a hard habit for my husband to break) and this 2nd sister-in-law, who really needs to file herself, got all rightous on me quoting Bible scripture and such and was very judgemental of our decision, to which I had to slap her back down when she started getting all holier-than-thou on me by pointing out the Biblical origins of BK law, and that the debt itself was the sin (since she has a lot of debt herself so this was an excellent counter-attack tactic) and that the usury of the credit card companies was also sin, and couldn't help myself but to point out a lot of her debt was from gambling, so she might want to check out the Bible's views on gambling before casting her stones at me... but it was an ugly scene that I wouldn't want to repeat over and over with other family members with equally judgemental views on BK, especially ones that I don't have as much ready ammo for rebuttal of their statements, lol.

The third sister-in-law that knows is my brother's wife (well, ex-, but still like a sister to me since they were married for 27 years). I told her because I needed someone non-judgemental that I could talk to about the BK with, and someone who is unaffected by our financial decisions so isn't worried about it like SIL #1 is because it affects her mooching potential. She and my brother have filed BK twice in the past (once in the 1980,s and once in the 90's) and she might have to file again soon because when she and my brother got divorced last year they were upside-down on their house which forclosed and they have other financial issues. I thought she also needed to know because one of her daughters, my niece, is graduating law school this year, another niece is getting married, and my nephew's wife is having a baby, so I didn't want her to think I wasn't sending big gifts or flying out to see them for each of these occasions because of the divorce and my brother no longer living in Arizona with them, but because of the financial difficulties we are having. But then I actually I found a $158 plane ticket so am able to go to the graduation at least, and will get to see the baby then... but still I wanted her to know because she's having a difficult time now so I think it helps when you know that other people are struggling too.

I haven't told my Mom, or anyone else in my family, even my brother that filed twice, just his ex-wife. One of my other brothers filed about 10 years ago, and a sister filed a few years ago, but I haven't told them about our filing yet. I was a lot closer to the brother who filed, so we talked about his filing back then, but just don't see or talk to each other often now so it hasn't come up. My sister never told me she filed, I was being nosy on PACER and found that out a month or so ago. (I was looking up my brother's case to see what year it was, and since I had just entered our last name, my sister's BK popped up, which kind of surprised me, but not too much since her husband lost his job a couple years ago and has been working sporadically ever since.)

Our son knows because he is a teenager and obviously with CH 13 this will affect him over the next five years, so he needed to know. My husband is the type willing to tell a total stranger his whole life story, so it's probably been a lot harder on him not to tell people than it has been me since I'm more reserved about personal matters, but so far he's respected my wishes to keep things to ourselves on this. I'd never dream of telling anyone at work, although with payroll knowing about it from the wage order, I suppose there is the possibility that the rumor has spread. If someone at work ever asked me about it, I'd ask them to tell me about their last 5 years worth of raises and performance evaluations, and when they told me it was none of my business, I'd respond "exactly."

[my4devils]

I have only told one close friend of mine b/c she is in a smiliar situation as ours- young with young kids. Other than that- I am keeping my mouth shut. Both of our families would feel the need to rescue us and we are so beyond that. We want to save ourselves and BK is the best way for us to do that.

[justplaintired]

my4devils our family would feel the same way. The need to save us. I don't want them to save us. We made this mess, we need to save ourselves and BK feels like the only way we can do that. We looked into debt consultation and the payments were more then we have left after paying our regular monthly bills. I wish so bad I knew another way, but we just don't. This was the hardest decision we ever made and now I just wish it was over.

[krielly]

Immediate family and very close friends know, but that's about it.

2 1/2 years into this.......I'm pretty much "over" the stigma about it, I guess. I really don't care what others know or think. It's my business, not theirs.

We are in a 13, so sometimes when I decline trips or purchases, I simply state that we put ourselves in a 5 year plan to be as debt free as possible. We cut up our credit cards and are sticking with a tight budget through our plan.

Not exactly lying........just leaving the "13" part out.

People usually respond by saying "good for you!"

[Anna.M]

Honestly- I don't understand why people are ashamed or embarassed to declare bankruptcy. MILLIONS of people in this country file each year. I know of 3 in my neighborhood alone that filed in recent years- one of them has filed twice. Of course, I'm not suggesting that to every person you randomly meet you proudly declare "Hi, my name is x and I filed Chapter 7 on x-x-xx." But the truth of the matter is that debt and bankruptcy just aren't shameful matters anymore. Sure, you'll always have the old-schoolers, but they're morons- why should you care what they think? You are NOT your credit report! Those who know you well will still think the world of you, regardless!

[imbroke2]

Anna-I'm actually a little insulted by your calling old-schoolers morons. My parents are old-schoolers. They are depression-era people. I was raised on casseroles, dime and penny allowances, shopping for 6 people on $10.00. So of course I feel guilty and I don't want them to know. I'll only get the "I thought we taught you better" lecture.

[Cassiopeia]

Anna-I'm actually a little insulted by your calling old-schoolers morons. My parents are old-schoolers. They are depression-era people. I was raised on casseroles, dime and penny allowances, shopping for 6 people on $10.00. So of course I feel guilty and I don't want them to know. I'll only get the "I thought we taught you better" lecture.

Well said! My parents, too. My Mom died while I was in BK and I never told her, nor am I telling my Dad now after the fact. I always felt it would hurt them too much, and I respect that.

As far as other people I only told my son and one good friend.

[justplaintired]

Anna-I'm actually a little insulted by your calling old-schoolers morons. My parents are old-schoolers. They are depression-era people. I was raised on casseroles, dime and penny allowances, shopping for 6 people on $10.00. So of course I feel guilty and I don't want them to know. I'll only get the "I thought we taught you better" lecture.

Same here. This was my life too. We never threw away anything, leftovers were eaten, NEVER thrown out. We cleaned our plates and wore hand me downs and none of that because we had no money. My Dad has a master degree and made a very good living, they just never seemed to feel like they could really spend money.

My Mother was a farmer's daughter and worked very hard, my Dad had 1 bother and 3 sister growing up during the depression. They learnt very young what it meant to work hard and save money. I am proud of them for that and proud of how well they have done for themselves! Morons they are not. Just very proud people who wouldn't understand. I too would hear the same speech "I thought we taught you better", and right now I just don't think I could hear that, it would break me. That's why I don't want them to know. Mostly because they are such good people and I wouldn't want to hurt them that way. Maybe if I had been more like them, I would never have ended up in the mess I am in now. My biggest goal after this is done is to try to live like they tried to teach me. Save for what you want.