Kids and BK

[ann1073]

How is everyone dealing with their kids in this process? I've read some posts that state they are doing all they can to keep their life "as is" for the sake of their children, but I'm wondering if this is part of the problem. I'm not questioning anyone's decisions, just questioning in general. In my neighborhood, it seems that parents are giving their children everything - toys, clothes, activities, etc. and these things aren't cheap. We haven't told our kids any details (there are five of them and they range in age from 8 - 15) but they know that we have issues. In August of last year, both my DH and I lost our full-time jobs. DH had a part-time job and we both started doing odd jobs, but life took a huge turn. We didn't want them to stress out that we would be homeless or go hungry, but we let them know that every dollar was accounted for and there just wasn't anything for extras. Generally, they don't answer the phone unless they know who's calling and know not to give out DH's work number (he found GREAT full-time job at the end of December) or my cell number. When I do talk with a creditor and they're around, I'll tell them it's someone who wants money and hope they think it's a request for a donation. I know they're smarter than I give them credit for, but they allow me the pretense. It's a fine line between not wanting them to worry, and having them know that I'm not just saying no to things because I'm mean. Originally, I was determined to keep our house because I didn't want to uproot the kids, but we've come to the realization that as long as we are together, it doesn't matter where we live and kids are resilliant.... and it's just not their decision. We've looked at rentals and our house payment and our equity it makes more financial sense for us to stay put...

How are you dealing with it?

[Rover]

It sounds to me like you're doing a great job dealing with your children. Keep up the good work.

A combination of truth and reassurance is just what kids need.

[ejny65]

When my wife passed away, my daughter was 2, she is now 17. even though she was little, I learned that I should keep everything else as same as before for her sake.
Now that my family is going through this financial hardship and BK, DW and me try to keep things the same and not let them feel much (even though they know whats going on, we don't let them feel that mom & dad are broke both finnancially and emotionally).
Lots of talk, in simplest ways, taking the phone out of their room so they wont hear the ring, lots of praying and huggs & kisses, and I believe we will come out of this stronger. Its Bad now, but it will get better.

[my4devils]

I have 4 boys ages 7 and under so they arent really aware of what is going on with the BK. The biggest issue we had was explaining why the phones were ringing and why mom and dad werent answering. They have become very familiar with the word "telemarketer". My boys have never really had extras (unless its from grandparents) so they dont know what they are missing. We have always refused to play the keep up game- its one we would definitely lose. There are alot of cheap, family activites out there- you just have to dig around a little to find them. However, with teenagers I am sure this is much more difficult. Is there anyway to give your older kids a certian amount of money each month for entertainment and clothing, etc... and allow them to choose what they want to spend it on? This could help in them learning how far the dollar goes (or nowadays doesnt go) and then when the money is gone- its gone. Just a thought.

With older kids, it is probably best to answer questions as honestly as possible while keeping their age in mind. Too much, as well as not enough info, is not a good thing. When and if my boys start to comprehend what is occuring, I want them to know about the financial mistakes we have made so they can avoid them when they become adults. My parents were always very secretive when it came to money management which is part of the reason why I journeyed down this path. I never new any better and I dont want to repeat this mistake with my kids.

[Cali]

Just to clarify, not everyone that is filing BK is doing so because of spending habits. In my case it was lost of a very good paying job and medical bills.

As for the kids, we have teens, we haven't told them anything. They know we are cutting back on some of the things we used to do.

[dovette7]

When we realized we were in over our heads, my children were 14 and 17. Because of our spending habits and lifestyle we had been living, we had given them everything... Designer Clothes, Allowances, etc. But when the bottom fell out, due to their age we had to talk to them to let them know how all of lives were going to change. I reassured them that all of their needs would be met, however we all were going to have to sacrifice luxuries...eating out, high priced clothes, all the extras that none of us had thought about spending money on before. My 15 year old son was more upset leaving the neighborhood because we surrendered the house and all his friends were there. But he wasn't big on monetary things anyway. But my 17 year old daughter had been given everything for years and because she had a job, I told her she was now responsible for her own car insurance, cell phone, and clothes. It was very hard on her at first because she had to live in the real world. But I can say that after a year, she's so much more appreciative of the value of money. She pays her insurance and cell and now shops at Goodwill and consignment shops for her designer brands.

At first I thought what a terrible thing I've done to my kids... and yes I could have, should have done lots of things better, but now I can at least see a positive to all this. My kids save money, think about the money before they spend, and have both proclaimed they will NOT have credit cards because they see the easy trouble it can cause. They also have realized what "necessities" are and are realizing that cell phones, McDonalds, CD's, Video Games, are not necessary to live. They have also realized the importance of family and health instead of focusing on the material things. So I guess it has been a growing experience for them in a positive way getting them ready for their adult life and hopefully not make some of the mistakes we did.

[Cali]

At first I thought what a terrible thing I've done to my kids... and yes I could have, should have done lots of things better, but now I can at least see a positive to all this. My kids save money, think about the money before they spend, and have both proclaimed they will NOT have credit cards because they see the easy trouble it can cause. They also have realized what "necessities" are and are realizing that cell phones, McDonalds, CD's, Video Games, are not necessary to live. They have also realized the importance of family and health instead of focusing on the material things. So I guess it has been a growing experience for them in a positive way getting them ready for their adult life and hopefully not make some of the mistakes we did.

I hope your children realise it's not the credit cards that are bad, it's how we use them or abuse them that is the problem.

[dovette7]

I agree and yes...we've had the discussion on the importance of credit for purchases you need..house, car, etc. But how easy it can be to be reliant on them or just not pay attention to what your spending on them. My daughter and I sat down and created her budget so I can help her learn how important that is. She in fact just did receive an offer from a Credit Card company. We discussed that even though she doesn't feel she needs one that it may be a good idea to have a small line to start building her good credit.

[sharksfan]

My parents were always very secretive when it came to money management which is part of the reason why I journeyed down this path.

Mine were the same way and I feel it was a contributing factor as well. My dad had put me down as an authorized user on his AMEX (w/ 20+ years of perfect history). As soon as I moved out I was approved for 3 credit cards all with $4,000 limits.

[Cassiopeia]

My son's a bit older when I filed (22) but he was with me all the way.....in fact he helped me pay for it! He is very against credit cards and I try to educate him that people need credit, it's the misuse of credit that is the problem. He's been very supportive, he wanted me to file much earlier than I did and I wish I had listened to him.

[Cali]

I agree and yes...we've had the discussion on the importance of credit for purchases you need..house, car, etc. But how easy it can be to be reliant on them or just not pay attention to what your spending on them. My daughter and I sat down and created her budget so I can help her learn how important that is. She in fact just did receive an offer from a Credit Card company. We discussed that even though she doesn't feel she needs one that it may be a good idea to have a small line to start building her good credit.

Great idea.

[woeisme]

We have a 12 year old son, and yes, he knows about the bankruptcy. We are in CH 13, and will be making payments for 5 years, so it just didn't seem reasonable that we could "hide" this from him throughout that kind of time frame. He understands when we don't have money to go out for dinner as often as before (although really I think our budget is quite flexible, I've been surprised at how well things have been going so far, but we're only 6 months into it at this point so I'm knocking on my wooden desk as I type!) and that big ticket items need to be prioritized and saved for, not just thrown on a credit card because we want it now. But our finances were tight before filing with trying to pay off all our credit cards and medical bills each month, that really the $1100 trustee payment is actually less than what we were paying creditors by a long shot, it's just that we can't then rack those charges back up on the cards as soon as we make the payments like we did before. So really our lifestyle hasn't changed drastically, just now we are digging out of the debt hole instead of getting deeper and deeper every month.

Actually our son has gotten better about saving as a result. Before he'd rush to throw away his allowance every week, wanting to spend just for the fun of spending, not caring what he got. Now he puts his money in the firesafe that we got for our "emergency" money, and has saved up about $80 since Christmas on his $10 a week allowance. He's saving for a trip his school is going on that is going to cost $120 in May, and I am super-proud of him. We actually would have had the money to pay for his trip, we have about $2800 saved up right now for that and our vacation this summer, but certainly didn't want to discourage him from saving since it was his own idea to do it, we never told him he had to save his money to go on this trip. He's also talking about mowing lawns to make money this summer (he'll be 13 in May and is already almost the size of my husband, and used the push-mower supervised last summer, so we'll have to make a decision about whether it'd be safe to let him do that but physically it shouldn't be a problem.)

[justplaintired]

We haven't said the word bankruptcy in our house around the kids, my feelings are they don't need to know that. The really wouldn't understand anyway and my boys are highly sensitive and I don't want them to worry, that's my job, this is our mess, not theirs. They know money is tight, their 11 & 13. They know we can't fork out money for everything they want, but honestly we never have done that.

We are doing this to make life better for all of us. Less stress eventually, less fights over money. Actually since we have quit paying cards and paying cash for groceries, gas, clothes... things are better. No we don't have tons of money, that part we are used to, but it feels so good to pay cash for necessities I had actually forgotten how that felt. My kids hopefully will see us using cash instead of cards.

We also have a 25 yr old daughter, we did not tell her either. Basically, I did tell her our lives were changing, we cut up our cards and we were done using cards for anything, she didn't ask why, and I didn't offer that info.

To me BK is a very personal decision and I am not lying to my kids, just not talking to them about something that is a personal thing between their Dad and I, afterall this is not their fault, it's ours. Some things are just too intense for kids to worry about. They need to be kids, what they need is to see us live within our means, this will teach them that cash is a good thing, and when their older, we will have this talk. They need a roof over their heads and food in their bellies. They aren't spoiled children, they don't have the newest technology, they don't have designer clothes and their fine with that. So for now, they don't know.

I suppose every situation is different, and whatever someone does has to work for their lives, for us, telling them was never even thought about, we both knew we wouldn't talk about it. When collectors called, my kids didn't ask why they just didn't answer the phone, we asked them not to, said it was sales calls, that was the end of that conversation.

We are very blessed, we have 3 awesome kids, and one day this will all be behind us and perhaps someday we will talk about this with all of them and then again maybe we won't. For now, we are living within our means and our kids are fine with that, they really don't live any different then they did before, only now Mom and Dad pay cash, not plastic.

I don't agree, I will do my best to discourage my kids from using plastic. Save for what they want, their nothing wrong with that. I pray my kids will never end up here.

[seanf12]

We have three kids, ages 3, 3 and 5. Our kids, especially our son, are very sensitive and are #1 priority through all of this is to completely shield them from this mess we are in. We want their lives to continue on usual. Like you, we are extremely blessed to have such great kids, and in a a way, being able to come home after work and spend time with my kids allows me to take my mind off of things for a while.

One plus about this whole BK process is that it has made me realize just how very important my family is to me, which I think sometimes I tended to forget during the day-to-day, busy lives that we lead.

[ann1073]

I agree, justplaintired, we are teaching our kids (and ourselves in the process) that it's best to pay cash and plan and save for purchases. I've told them that credit is a personal choice - I don't think people who use credit cards are doing something wrong - it's just not best for us.

They go over certain bills with us - utilities, car insurance, tuition, groceries, etc. - so they can see how this fits in our budget and realize how costly it can be to just "survive". My 14 year-old daughter just got her first job - deck attendant at our local pool for the summer - and it's interesting to hear her take on how she'll be spending her paychecks.

ann