I'm REALLY tired of the assumptions and judgments

[kl030505]

SO tired. (not here of course). I belong to another internet group that is a closed group of moms and I've been pretty open about our situation, my fault I know, but the truth is I am not ashamed. I don't have anything to be ashamed about, my husband was laid off for a long time, I worked 3 jobs at times to try to keep up, but we could not do it. We tried EVERYTHING else, but bk is the best thing. In Oct, my husband got a job that more than doubled his income. I have a solid job as well. If all of that had happened within 6 months of his original lay off instead of 2 years later, we would have been able to deal with it. But the longer we went without payments and what not, the more the creditors dumped on us, the more they expected all at once. We just can't keep up at this point, and so bk it is. We are also letting the house go and so haven't made a mortgage payment in 6 months. That extra $$ each month has really helped and we have used it to our advantage. Once we are discharged we will have a decent start to a savings. We are finally making a decent income and have really learned to live below our means. Getting the fresh start is all it will take to get us on the serious road to recovery.

Anyway, I'm excited to *finally* have a little bit of money for fun activities. I spent about $40 to buy tickets to take my daughter to disney on ice. And I was excited about the look on her face when we told her and I got *slammed*. "What are you doing wasting your money." "It's our right to judge you because you are wasting our tax dollars." Ugh. It was enough to make me leave the community because I'm so tired of everyone thinking that they know everything.

I haven't used a credit card or purchased anything on credit for 2 years now. I'm completely prepared to live below our means, but I don't understand why I shouldn't be able to take my daughter to fun things every now and again as long as it is in my budget? Why should I have to explain every purchase from here on out?

I'm just angry because I think what pisses people off the most is that I'm not properly ashamed.

[MomIcantFindmy]

I understand your feelings. We have lived without for so long. We have only shared our BK with "some" family and a few close friends. I too, am not ashamed. I reminded one friend that BK was biblical in origin and it really stopped her in her tracks. I am ready to move on and put this behind us.

[Flamingo]

Your key to your post is that you belong to an "internet" group. Good friends that share your life and know you would not slam you for that. Good friends would rejoice with you that you were able to take your daughter out and be able to enjoy things now and then. I remember when my hubby lost his job and we started to go downhill. I was close friends with our HR Manager and she told me when things started to get real tight for us that we should investigate filing Chapter 13 cause she did, she was in it then, and had about 6 months left of payments! I was floored! After that conversation, I never felt bad about things again. Ya gotta do what ya gotta do for yourself and your family and it doesn't matter what anyone thinks. Everyone has ups and downs in their lives. Stuff happens.

I would not let people you don't know personally get to you as to your personal life and what you do. You do not owe anyone an explanation as to your personal situation. You should be able to do something now and then that you enjoy and save up for on the side or maybe when you have that extra cash. If those people continue to put you down, they are maybe jealous that you now have extra cash and are not "suffering" anymore and feel you should continue to suffer. That is not the way to live. There is nothing wrong in taking your daughter out now and then or doing something as a treat now and then if you can afford it. If you feel really bad about it and want to continue with the online group, save the extra money and just don't say anything to them about it. It's yours, not theirs!

[buchanj]

Hang tough

SO tired. (not here of course). I belong to another internet group that is a closed group of moms and I've been pretty open about our situation, my fault I know, but the truth is I am not ashamed. I don't have anything to be ashamed about, my husband was laid off for a long time, I worked 3 jobs at times to try to keep up, but we could not do it. We tried EVERYTHING else, but bk is the best thing. In Oct, my husband got a job that more than doubled his income. I have a solid job as well. If all of that had happened within 6 months of his original lay off instead of 2 years later, we would have been able to deal with it. But the longer we went without payments and what not, the more the creditors dumped on us, the more they expected all at once. We just can't keep up at this point, and so bk it is. We are also letting the house go and so haven't made a mortgage payment in 6 months. That extra $$ each month has really helped and we have used it to our advantage. Once we are discharged we will have a decent start to a savings. We are finally making a decent income and have really learned to live below our means. Getting the fresh start is all it will take to get us on the serious road to recovery.

Anyway, I'm excited to *finally* have a little bit of money for fun activities. I spent about $40 to buy tickets to take my daughter to disney on ice. And I was excited about the look on her face when we told her and I got *slammed*. "What are you doing wasting your money." "It's our right to judge you because you are wasting our tax dollars." Ugh. It was enough to make me leave the community because I'm so tired of everyone thinking that they know everything.

:

I haven't used a credit card or purchased anything on credit for 2 years now. I'm completely prepared to live below our means, but I don't understand why I shouldn't be able to take my daughter to fun things every now and again as long as it is in my budget? Why should I have to explain every purchase from here on out?

I'm just angry because I think what pisses people off the most is that I'm not properly ashamed.

Who would say that? If they are a friend they wouldnt say something like that. You have a right to live a life. That was an excellent purchase. FFFF em!:yahoo

[One Half Full]

Shame is highly overrated. You don't need your self esteem trammeled by these "friends". Although people who have gone through bad life experiences often believe others will be on their sides, believe me, they aren't. Anything that smacks of being out of order will get their little toad minds ticking faster than you can say boo. The sharks attack if you throw blood in the water.

[FreshLikeADaisy]

I think, KL, that maybe it's time to move on from that particular group of people.

You can't change them, but you can leave them. As has already been pointed out, REAL friends -- those who love you AS YOU ARE -- don't do that kind of thing. How am I your friend, real or imagined, if I can't support you when you need it most, when I take your problems as an invitation to make myself the judge and arbiter of your decisions, when the only thing I can find to say after months of hardship, effort and privation is that you shouldn't buy this or that? The answer is simple. If that is my behavior, I am not your friend. Even if that's what I call myself and put on my business cards.

You seem like a good egg. Please take care of yourself and your family without shame or embarassment, and consider that maybe you've outgrown this group and your "fresh start" encompasses more than just $$$. I'm GLAD you bought those tickets! And if you found out that what you need to do to take care of yourself was adjust your interaction with judgemental people, then they were worth their weight in gold, I think. Good luck to you!!!!

[Flamingo]

Shame is highly overrated. You don't need your self esteem trammeled by these "friends". Although people who have gone through bad life experiences often believe others will be on their sides, believe me, they aren't. Anything that smacks of being out of order will get their little toad minds ticking faster than you can say boo. The sharks attack if you throw blood in the water.

How right you are - my hubby has always said that life is like politics. Various stands/opinions amongst several parties. What one person will say, the other one is opposite or somewhere in the middle. In my work life I, as others, have had co-workers come and go and with some you make pretty good friends or office buddies. Sometimes they will seek you out for advice if they are unhappy on the job and want to move on but are so undecided...looking for a push over the edge as to what to do. Since I don't know them that well or their entire situation, I tell them what I tell all my good friends or family - you do what you feel is the best for "you" and your family, if applicable, and not what anyone else says.

Everyone have a good day!

[krielly]

Too bad these "friends" don't stop and think that the only difference between them and you is a few months of seriously reduced income.
Well, their loss in my opinion. You know that this is the place to come for support and understanding.

I don't see anything wrong whatsoever with your purchase. Seems pretty trivial to me. $40.........wow. Some folks need to get a life.

You are right to be proud of living within your means. We filed 13 back in Oct 05. Only 28 mos into a 60 mos plan, but we're managing and doing just fine. I was sooooooooooo ashamed for such a long time, but not anymore! I take all of this as a gift! Without it, I don't know that I would have ever become "credit card free" on my own. I do feel proud to be able to purchase things here and there with cash! It's empowering, I think, to live within your means.

As I said, the only difference between them and you is a few months of hard luck.

Keep your chin up and leave those "friends" in the dust.

K

[kl030505]

Oh, I left. It was the straw that broke the camel's back, so I left, but I was still angry. I slept on it, and I'm over it now. Fresh day, right?

[$$only4ever]

All it takes is one major financial crisis and everyone could end up in bankruptcy. People can be so cruel sometimes. Hold your head up high, you made a business decision so your family could survive. Nothing more, nothing less. Those witches need to get on their brooms and fly away.

[imbroke2]

Okay, $40 is not breaking their taxes I have to say. People are hypocrites! Just wait until one of them has a serious upset in their lives. I left a community because people are so cruel to each other. That's the downside of the internet, people are TOO opinionated and judgemental.
On that note, the only people who know about our bk are a few friends who have either filed, have gone through foreclosure or are on the verge of bk. So I feel better being able to talk to them rather than my parents who grew up in the Depression-no sympathy from them there.
Anyway, glad to hear your daughter was thrilled about the tickets. Seeing the look on her face is worth all the sacrifice I'm sure!

[ameliabedilia]

I'm confused. How does bk really use tax dollars? To pay the trustee? I am sure the trustee likes having his job and would rather have people file bk than not and have him out of a job.

I consider bk just timing and luck like everything else. Right after we filed my husband got a great new job with free housing, cheap health insurance, cell phone and then I got a great new job last month. We are now making more than ever and are going to have a 5 to 6 month emergency fund by May. If this had come earlier we would still be trying and maybe barely making it, but it didn't so we filed, and that turned out to be the best thing I think we have ever done!

We still have to face the bad credit scores, so it's not like there are no consequences.
I think this is one of the most well run and organized forums i have ever visited. Bullying is not allowed, which is great

[Flamingo]

I'm confused. How does bk really use tax dollars? To pay the trustee? I am sure the trustee likes having his job and would rather have people file bk than not and have him out of a job.

I consider bk just timing and luck like everything else. Right after we filed my husband got a great new job with free housing, cheap health insurance, cell phone and then I got a great new job last month. We are now making more than ever and are going to have a 5 to 6 month emergency fund by May. If this had come earlier we would still be trying and maybe barely making it, but it didn't so we filed, and that turned out to be the best thing I think we have ever done!

We still have to face the bad credit scores, so it's not like there are no consequences.
I think this is one of the most well run and organized forums i have ever visited. Bullying is not allowed, which is great

If you've ever been to some of the other BK forums on the net, in AOL or other places, people that hate people that file BK sit on there like spiders waiting for someone to post their experiences. The main thing they state they abhor about people filing BK is that people that file BK cause them higher retail prices since the creditors have to somehow cover their losses, although the creditors write off the losses on their corporate taxes and funds are always budgeted for yearly losses. It's best to avoid those forums but the above reasoning is true - any loss by a creditor/lender creates higher prices - fraud, shoplifting, etc. do the same.

I agree with you as to this forum but I've been bullied on here recently just for posting some factual information. Not all people like facts or the truth and not everyone is a happy camper on here but then everyone has bad days! But there is much more experience and good information on here than other sites.

[rrockinggramma]

Let them walk a mile in your shoes. I understand completely. Back in 1988 I discovered my first husband was having an affair. We were divorced in 1989. (3 kids under 5) ugh!!! However I lived in a subdivision that was the "picture" of the American dream. LOL I was shunned totally and my "friends" felt that I was a threat to them because I was no longer "attached" I felt awful and betrayed. I moved closer to my work and never looked back. But. . . within 2 years of my tragedy, almost all of them were divorced. LOLOLOLOL I laughed at them all. You wait, how many think their lives are "sweet" now only to discover their lives are a financial house of cards. At least those of us here are fortunate to have already realized it and dealt with it.

[epiphany]

Anyway, I'm excited to *finally* have a little bit of money for fun activities. I spent about $40 to buy tickets to take my daughter to disney on ice. And I was excited about the look on her face when we told her and I got *slammed*.

Oh screw them, don't give them that power over you.

I, for one, find it really sweet that you could spend only 40 bucks and get your daughter and yourself all excited about it.

Kids need that kind of stuff. Do the *******s on that site want your daughter to grow up and be resentful that she didn't have a good childhood and then take it out on the rest of society??? Should your daughter never have another simple childhood pleasure because their child may not get that Mercedes when they turn 16?

I would like to add, as a single person with no children, these people are spending my tax dollars all the time. So you can tell them for me, if you ever do go back there, that you are spending my dollars and not theirs...I have now allotted my tax dollars to you. Spend them wisely on your kid.

Not my most tactful post, but this pisses me off. I can't stand that sort of people. I can only imagine the unwanted crap they have in their closets.

Again, screw them. You have nothing to be ashamed about.

EP