How to tell significant other about BK?

[Adchick]

Hi, newbie here. I've been lurking for a couple weeks. Just recently made my decision to file, though it's been a long time coming. Meeting with my attorney this afternoon. Filing next week.

I have lots of issues and concerns but what is weighing most heavily on me is how to tell my boyfriend? A little history...we've been together for 6 years, finally moving in together next month. We talk about financial stuff but only on the surface. ie. he knows how much money I make, that I have/use credit cards, that I bought a new car two years ago, but that's it. I haven't told him the extent of my debt situation/bad credit and I'm not sure where to start.

It's not that I was ever afraid to tell him like he'd ridicule or berate me, but I'm embarrassed by the mess I've made. I was basically doomed (financially) from the very beginning. I learned terrible money management from my mother ("if you have it, spend it"). I got married very young and we didn't make much money but were offered credit left and right so we used it, mostly for necessities. After my divorce in 2001, I moved several states away and was rudely awaken to the fact that the cost of living here is extremely high. I didn't make much and could hardly afford rent and my car payment, let alone credit card bills. Over the last few years, I took out payday loans and a loan with cashcall (don't do it!!) to make up the difference, I had two foot surgeries and the medical bills piled up and now I make a good living but the damage is done. my credit is in a shambles. It's time to raise the white flag. and so I am.

what a bunch of rambling...anyway, my question is how do I tell him? has anyone been in this situation before? it's not something I can or want to hide but I'm so ashamed.

any advice or simply just encouraging words are appreciated.

[biotechsolution]

that's a tough one.

But if you don't live together his income isn't counted and he may never know about the filing. Not sure how good that is but it's one way. Even if you live together, you could be considered just roommates and his income most likely wont' be counted either.

The only way it would really concern him is future joint purchases that you would both need financing for. However, if your credit is that bad now, you will see it most improve quite a bit 6-months post bk.

[Skorpnix]

Adchick...
Woo boy. Your post brought up bad memories for me. I know exactly how you feel. Here is my story and my suggestions. I met my gf back in 05 and I was trying to find out how to fix my debt but didnt want to involve her. Jump to May 06 and I decide to propse ( says yes ) and havent told her yet. Thinking I can still make it through based on I had 25K in unused cc lines. Jump to Nov 06, domino effect starts, cc take away credit lines, makes me over the limit, which makes payments impossible, makes APR jump to 32.00% on all cards. I decide to file before we get married. In my thinking it was better to do it first to not include her in it and have her name nowhere involved. Also I was going to tell her but wait til this past Jan as I did not want to ruin her Christmas. SO, I decided to talk to my ex's husband because he had the same problem and I was trying to get some advice. All this behind her back and she doesnt like me ex already but accepted the fact that I was on cordial terms with her. Well she finds out through our website account because the ex makes a comment and states that hopefully the info from her hubby helps on the bk. Well Christmas stunk. Took two months of give and take and I HAD TO PROMISE NOT TO HOLD ANYTHING BACK FROM HER AGAIN. I have her full trust again. Now, would I have done the same thing again if presented? I honestly dont know because in my mind I didnt want to hurt her but by doing this I did so probably I wouldnt. Is there a good time to tell your man? Never will be. My suggestion is to do it late in the week (thurs/fri). Not early in the week or Sunday as it would make things hard to deal with at work as that is what he would be thinking about. If you two plan to get married you will have to tell him sometime. I feel your pain and since you have 6 years invested I am sure through some time he will understand. I would do it before you marry though. I did. Everything is seperate for the next 53 months. She buys her own food, car , insurances, etc. Our taxes are not mixed, no purchases together, etc. I know this probably does not help that much but it does tell you that other people are in the exact same boat as you. Great Luck to you.

[$$only4ever]

Welcome to the forum Adchick,

The best advice that I can give you after 37 years of being married is to tell him. The worse thing that you can do is have secrets from one another. Be honest and let the chips fall as they may. If you end up being married, he will find out eventually and the trust factor in your relationship will be gone.

[lrprn]

We've been married 28 years and my husband hid our financial problems from me until it was far too late to do anything about them but file Ch 13. It almost destroyed our marriage.

My advice....tell him honestly the way you explained it to us. If he's going to walk, he'll walk when he finds out about it later too. People make mistakes and learn from them. And who knows....he just might surprise you and be very understanding. Also he might have a few financial skeletons in his closet to share too!

[guzzie]

hi and welcome....tell him...if he loves and cares about you he should understand...living together is a big step for both of you...if you are to have a future together including a stable financial future, this is your shot at a fresh start....if it doesn't work out with him at least you will be on your feet again not worrying about the past.....my best wishes to you...

[Adchick]

Hello all and thank you for your support. I met with my attorney last night and we are going to file no later than next Friday.

I stopped at my boyfriend's place on the way home and told him everything. He was understanding and did not lecture me. He offered me money to attempt to settle with cashcall and I quickly declined. I refuse to use his hard earned money to clean up my messes. He said if he had known I was struggling this whole time he would've offered to help...again, I told him it isn't his problem to fix.

I'm so glad it's out there now. I can finally breathe again.

[guzzie]

good....

[JRScott]

Glad he took it well

[demismom]

Oh, you have a keeper there!

[Lindsay]

I handle the finances in our family, but my husband makes very low wages and refuses to look for better employment. I think that he has an undiagnosed mental problem (alot of his relatives have multiple personality disorder and bipolar) and he refuses to see a doctor.

I've given him several warnings over the past few years that we are going to have to file bankruptcy if things don't change soon. He wasn't fazed by it. So finally I decide that its time. No use in postponing the inevitable and things just aren't going to get better anytime soon.

I told him that we have to file for bankruptcy. He wasn't upset about the bankruptcy itself (because he's the man with absolutely no pride - he'll stand on the front porch and yell at me in front of the neighbors, "I told you to apply for food stamps!"). I don't think that bankruptcy is anything to be ashamed about, but at least he could look a little sheepish about it. But he accused me of mismanaging our finances (because he enjoys arguing with me). I said, "you are kidding me, right? I've been warning you for years that bankruptcy was impending if you didn't get a better job!" He was still indignant and told me that he works hard. I told him that he only works 25 hours a week and makes $15,000 a year and that's below poverty level.

I told him that I don't want to be in charge of the finances anymore if he is going to accuse me. I'm not a magician and can't make money appear out of nowhere. I don't want to sit there with a huge pile of bills and not enough money to pay them. When I listen to the Dave Ramsey show, I haven't heard anyone call in with an income lower than ours! People calling in to the show can't make it on $75,000 a year, so what does he expect from me? I sell on eBay and Amazon and go to college full time while running the household and doing all the chores, cooking, and cleaning myself and raising 3 children.

So I tell him that I'm not doing the bills myself anymore and he said, "But you are so good at it, I don't know how to do them." And I said, "What do you mean I'm good at it? We're friggin' bankrupt and you just told me that it's because I'm doing the finances wrong!" It's so frustrating!

It's good that you told your boyfriend about what was going on. I'm sure he just loves you and doesn't care what happened in the past with your bills. It sounds like he took the news well! I think its best to be honest with matters of finance. It was sweet of him to offer to help you with cashcall! It sounds like you have a real gem!

Speaking of Cashcall, I heard on another board that they aren't making any more loans. I wonder if they got shut down or had so many defaults that they couldn't stay in business or lend more. They ought to be ashamed of themselves; I heard that they charge up to 100% interest! I'm a huge horseracing fan and I watch TVG (horseracing television) alot. Cashcall was one of their biggest advertisers, they ran commercials every 5 minutes trying to get broke horseplayers to borrow money! Some of the jockeys in California were even paid to wear embroidered CashCall advertising on their pants!