My life is messed up

[goingout]

I have two beautiful amazing kids. All my life they are what I’ve wanted most. I really want to enjoy these years with them while they are young. It’s going by so quickly. I don’t want to spend these years so stressed out that I can’t enjoy them, that I can’t be there for them, that I can’t be a good mom to them. Everything has gotten so messed up. I don’t know how I let it get so out of control. We’d been running everything so close, no wiggle room on the budget, and credit card balances. Never getting ahead, but doing ok. Then I went part time to help DH. The business never did that well, but it provided us with stuff. I got so busy. I lost control of the budget. Expenses went up and I wasn’t paying attention to how much we were spending. I was desperately trying to get DH to pay attention to the things he needed to do to keep the business running. It was so much work! And I had one and then two little ones. Now it’s done. The house has a mortgage we cannot afford. We need to file bankruptcy to get rid of the left over debt from the business. We both have good jobs and make good money but we can’t support ourselves. The housing market is over inflated and we could never make a down payment anyway.

At this point I just want out. I just want to be with my kids and be happy. I just want to sleep at night. I want peace. I don’t care where I live. I hate this. I hate this life. I hate my friends because their lives seem like impossible fairy tales compared to mine and I hate that I feel that way. I know it’s wrong to be so jealous but it just makes me feel worse to be around them.

I don’t know what to do anymore. Just tell me what to do.

I can go full time that’s a good thing. I just need to get my head together. I need to get my career back so I can support my kids. I used to cry when I thought about going full time but now I cry anyway. The thought of being able to support us seems to good to be true. I just have to find good daycare and that’s going to be hard. I have to get my head together so I can concentrate at work and perform and that is hard.

I’m afraid. I’m afraid if I do all the things I need to do and I will still be screwed. Will we have to move to a different neighborhood? Will my kids be happy in a different daycare? Will my son be ok if he has to change schools in the middle of the year? Will my kids be ok living in a run down home?

The budget is so darn tight. There are no luxuries in it. None. I’m afraid. I don’t know how we will do it if we file bankruptcy and we have no credit. What if we can’t, absolutely can’t pay the bills? I have failed my kids. I have failed period. I just want out.

I need help. Just tell me what to do.

I’ve worked so darn hard and for what? For what? Now I have to work even harder for less, much less.

DH is sleeping like he doesn’t have a care in the world. I’m the only one who is carrying this burden and it’s too much. He just doesn’t even want to deal with it. I’m alone in this. I hate that.

I don’t even want to talk to my therapist about all this. Just don’t want to go into the details. She is no help. Talking to her is just another burden I have to bear. The appointment looms ahead of me.

[JRScott]

You're not alone, and you're not the only one to blame. In our nation we have a society that teaches that you can have it now and pay for it later. We have a society that teaches you deserve what you cannot afford. We've all been caught by the trap. That's what led us all here.

Every parent wants their kids to do better than they have. My father filed bankruptcy during my early teens. I never wanted to file bankruptcy. I felt I was a failure, because I didn't learn from his mistakes. I made it 30 years with no debt, and then in 2000 is when I started getting debt and by 2005 it was out of hand. It is just so easy to get.

Church leaders had counseled against debt. I felt like I was a failure there too because I had let them down. I had thought i was doing a good thing. My mom and bro wanted me to move back to North Carolina in 2000. I prayed about it and didn't get a strong feeling either way, so after much nagging from them I decided I'd do it. I should have put more prayer into what came next, if I had I might never have found myself in the position I am in today. I decided that since I couldn't afford to move, I'd get some credit cards. That was perhaps the worst decision I made. Had I stayed in Utah for 6 more months I could have afforded the move on my own without debt.

Well then I arrived in NC, and didn't have a job for almost 5 months so I once again charged paying the minimums so that I could live. I figured I'd be okay.

I got a job and then in the fall of 2000 I had a back injury. Missed work and more debt.

I cut it close and then in 2003 hurt my back again. Then I struggled badly in 2004, finally leaving the job in 2005 because I couldn't do it anymore.

Another period of unemployment followed, I spent out what money I had and lived on the bare edge when I finally landed a part time job.

Obviously I couldn't pay the creditors, and the nightmare got a lot worse. I started to withdraw from life. It became pretty bad with only rare contact with friends, family and church members. I felt I couldn't find anyway out. I had wanted to file bankruptcy earlier but several folks talked me out of it.

Finally early this year I gave a lot of prayer and decided that there was no other way. That the burden was so great that the only chance for a normal life was to seek the mercy of the courts and file for bankruptcy.

It has been the best decision. Since I made that decision I have stopped worrying about the bills. I have found peace and been able to sleep. It is as though a great burden was lifted.

Your situation is no doubt different from mine, but the underlying problem is the same. The debt has in a way become a master and is ruining your life. Even if you have to settle for a smaller home, it may well be worth filing bankruptcy to find peace in your life and give your children a brighter tomorrow.

In the future going forward it is my plan to make sure I budget in some savings that I might weather future problems.

I hope that you come to the decision that can provide the best for your family. Even with a bankruptcy you can generally qualify for a home loan in 2 years so don't think that you'll have to always go without.

Good Luck

[goingout]

Thanks for your post. I guess in the big picture it could be worse. DH made me feel a little better this morning. We do have each other. We do have our kids. We will get through this. I just feel like I can’t explain what is happening to anyone for fear of embarrassment or being judged. My mom made me feel bad the other day when I told her I planned on going to work full time. I feel like nobody gets it.

I talked to some daycares today. It feels good to do something.

[JollyGG]

I was reflecting this morning about how my husband and I have come out on the other side of bankruptcy better off.
Yes we still struggle. Yes, we have a few hundred on our one credit card we are paying off, and yes we still owe the lawyer for our bankruptcy.
But now our budget has things like clothes for the kids, vehicle maintenance, and home upkeep.
Those things seem like luxuries after skipping all that to pay cc minimums.
We are getting out of debt, not further in. Without bankruptcy that probably wouldn't have happened.
This year, since our discharge, my husband has gotten a new better paying job that he enjoys more. This year when I got my annual raise instead of the money getting absorbed into debt payments and us never even really knowing where it goes I set up a 529 college saving plan for our kids.
This morning as I mailed the payroll deduction request for the 529 accounts and also mailed an enrollment request for my son to go to the kindergarten we want him to attend next year I realized that I am planning a future for my kids. That felt fantastic.
Keep your chin up there is a brighter future ahead for you and for your kids.

As for going to work full time and sending the kids to daycare - I know it is hard to give your kids to someone else all day long. I have always worked. In my case it is by choice. However, I do know it is hard to let them go to someone else during the day. Take your time. You will find a fantastic daycare. Look at all your options centers, home daycares, ect. until you find something you are comforatable with. Something that helped me leave my children was a few unscheduled visits to my son's daycare when the babysitter wasn't expecting me. It put my mind at ease to see how everything looked when a parent wasn't scheduled to visit. Also I spend a few minutes with the sitter at the end of every day reviewing the kids days. Then my son tells me about his day on the drive home. I think it is one of his favorate things. Also I made sure that I have a clear idea of what his schedule is like throughtout the day. I like knowing what he is doing all day long (for example I know that right now as I write this he is eating lunch, then he will have some fruit, clean up, get read a story, then take a nap). I know that with me working my children are getting the best of me that I can give them. Me working is the right choice for my family. You will make the right choice for your family as well. Focus on the possitives of what you are giving them and not on the things you are missing or giving up.

[rilbrianne]

Bless your heart, you need a hug. I'm 24, married and have 2 beautiful little girls. I know I'm young and may not have the wisdom of age but I know where you are. I love my girls more than anything and my husband doesn't really deal with the bills. I am kind of in charge of things at home. Always have been, even before the babies. But I don't resent him for it anymore. Here's a little advice from woman to woman - when a man doesn't feel like he can bear the responsibility of making the phone calls and dealing with insurance companies and bills, etc.... he leaves it be and who picks up the slack? we do. And that's ok, just know that he loves you and is there but maybe he isn't the best at figuring out a budget or he's not really a strong speaker on the phone like you are. He's in this with you, even if he is a little soft-spoken about it. At least that's what I have figured out about my husband.

We all have our insecurities and our strengths. You know, each parent is strong in their own way. Your doing great, it's ok. You'll get through this, you have realized that you can make it as long as you have eachother... and that is what got me where I am today.

Here's a quick review of my situation... my husband and I have never been well off. We made maybe 20,000 each year, together. So we decided to move to Florida in Feb of 2006 for better jobs. (his real father was there and they kind of talked us into it). So we used all of our tax return, packed up everything (which wasn't much) and high tailed it to FL. After we got there, my husband's real father kind of abandoned us and our kids, we had a roof over our heads but they didn't call or bother inviting us over at all. About 2 months later, we realized we were expecting. We both got jobs fairly quickly. I worked at the State Attorney's office as a felony secretary and he worked as a heavy construction mechanic. We made approx. 4500/month. I was shocked to land that job and so was he (we both went through temp. agencies). When baby was born last Dec., we couldn't afford for my time off, we couldn't afford the car we had bought. We had been leasing a truck but it wasn't big enough for baby too. We couldn't afford the furniture we were renting from RAC. We could no longer afford 1000/rent if i missed work.
We gave all of it back, packed up our belongings and new baby and once again, used our taxes to move back. And here we are today. We don't have a scrap of anything and my husband makes 300/wk now. I don't work because we can't afford the daycare. I have my family again, sisters and parents, my husband's adoptive parents. We gave up everything, the great jobs and all to come home with nothing. We couldn't afford it in Florida and we were horribly lonely. I have never been more happy in my life to be as broke as I am now.

It's hard to go through this but when we were in FL, we were misserable. We decided we'd be happier broke with our family than rich and lonely.

I hope this helps a little, just know that we are here for you. We'll be here when/if you file to answer questions. Everything you have posted has run through my mind too. Believe me, I know where you are. It will get better. Try to get assistance, I don't know what your situation is exactly but you can get help paying for daycare, food stamps, medicaid, etc. You can work part time to bring in a little extra.

It's ok, sit down and relax and write down your ideas, options you can take, pros and cons, you know...

And keep in touch. I hope you feel better soon, keep coming back ok?

[rilbrianne]

Another thing I want to input, I'm sorry but I have to say this. When I was a kid, we were one of the first kids in my school to have a computer at home, we had a nicer house than most of the other kids and we had lots of fun, playing outside with neighbor kids, etc.

Little did I know that we were so under poverty it wasn't funny. Little did I know that my father didn't work because he was disabled. Little did I know my mother worked extended shifts at McDonald's, and walked there, to pay the bills. The new roof and new siding on our house came from the gov. because my parents couldn't afford it. So they made a deal to stay in the home for 7 years in exchange for the repairs.

You have NOT failed your children. Your doing your best, working your fingers to the bone, and best of all, you LOVE them! That is the best thing you can do for your kids. Showing them what it means to earn, what it feels like to be loved, and how families can be strong in hard times (even if they don't even realize how hard times really are, lol) I may not be the richest parent but my kids have what they need and I love them. That is much more than some kids have.

[BKOnce]

Amen to that!. You are such a good mother & wife!

[goingout]

Thank-you all. I am crying reading your posts. You are right about the husbands rlbrianne. I am only now coming to that realization to little to late. I kept thinking he’d wake up and figure it out, or that he knew more than he was letting on. But come to realize, no he really does just stick his head in the sand. He *needs* me to take care of all this stuff for him. He just doesn’t want to do it. That and I’m just finally realizing some things about finances that I never really considered before. We just kept on taking so much financial risk. It was pretty obvious what was going to happen eventually.

Thanks for letting me vent.