Sharing Financial Status -With Children

[leelee]

I am so ashamed of this situation with respect to my daughter. She's always been popular... and I fear that our recent repo will be in the paper, and she will be ousted from her friends and dissed by schoolmates.

How/when do you tell your children -she's 15 and has no idea about this.

Just wondering if / how others handle....

[lrprn]

It's always hard to admit to our children that we aren't always perfect, leelee. However, to not tell them is doing them a dis-service. There are tremendously valuable life lessons in sharing what is happening financially with your children who are old enough to understand the how's and why's of the situation. Our children (currently 25 and 23) have been along on our journey from the start and both now say they've learned so much about how to handle money and credit wisely they wouldn't have learned if we had kept our financial problems from them. Instead we enlisted their help with creating a budget we could live on, warned them to check their credit records to ensure they are reporting correctly and are not showing as involved in our bankruptcy, keep them informed about how our bankruptcy case is going, etc.

Even though bankruptcy is a public record, unless you live in a very small town, it's unlikely anyone will know you have filed unless you tell them. Most folks are too busy to peruse the paper daily looking for dirt on their friends and neighbors .

And as far as how bankruptcy might affect your 15-year-old daughter popularity at school, you don't have to be rich to be popular, well-liked, and have solid friends. If your daughter's current school friends are so shallow that they would ostracize her because your family is having financial problems, then good riddance - they would have ditched her at the first sign of any non-compliance with their pre-conceived, narrow notions of what is acceptable anyway.

Hang in there. Don't let the shame that we all feel at the start keep you from making informed decisions about what is best for your family in the long run. In two years your daughter will be out of high school and off on new adventures - your filing will just be a distant memory.

[LostOne0069]

Well, firstly you shouldn't worry too much about her friends reading about the repo in the paper... most people under the age of 20 or so nowdays don't know what a newspaper IS, let alone want to read it! (ewwww it has INK on it! Were's the blog link? How come the screen contrast is so flat?)

As for dealing with a child when you go through BK, the biggest thing I can say is to be as open and honest with them as possible. We have 4 kids, with the oldest being a 12 year old girl. We have been open with her from the beginning and it has made a big difference. One thing you absolutely HAVE to do though is to make sure you reassure them that everything is OK and that the BK is just something that happens sometimes and that it's the best way for your family to move forward and not stay under a mountain of debt.

Once our daughter understood that the BK meant that we no longer had ANY debt... she was pretty happy. She's had to listen to my wife and I moan and groan about how much we owe and how we wish we could do this or that but couldn't because of the debt... she's had to listen to it for years. Now she hears, "the light at the end of a tunnel is really close... and it's sunshine, not a train."

Good luck!

[BassBoy]

Thia can be a toughy

most people under the age of 20 or so nowdays don't know what a newspaper IS, let alone want to read it! (ewwww it has INK on it! Were's the blog link? How come the screen contrast is so flat?)

ROFL! That's funny!

It's hard to try and expalin this to our children. Heck, it's hard to explain it to anyone for that matter. Being open and honest is your best bet. She'll thank you for it.

As for her friends......well.......those that oust her ARE NOT friends to begin with and she should oust them. ;-) Her TRUE FRIENDS will stand by her and support her.

I wouldn't be too concerned about the neighbors finding out. And even if they do, you don't owe them any explanations. It's none of their business.

You and your daughter need to turn your focus to your futures. Once this is over, your lives will return to normal and you'll both be better off. Soon, this all be a distant memory.

Best of luck to ya.

[lostinmich]

That's a dillema I've been facing for the past few months. My 11 and 14 yr old daughters know I'm in financial problems but they do not know that I've filed bankruptcy. The biggest thing is I'd rather their mother not know and I don't know that I could trust them from saying something. I don't know... maybe I should just come clean. They know we are moving but they think it's because I've sold the house. I feel really bad. Not really asking for advice.. just blowing off some thoughts.

[SinkingFast]

That's a dillema I've been facing for the past few months. My 11 and 14 yr old daughters know I'm in financial problems but they do not know that I've filed bankruptcy. The biggest thing is I'd rather their mother not know and I don't know that I could trust them from saying something. I don't know... maybe I should just come clean. They know we are moving but they think it's because I've sold the house. I feel really bad. Not really asking for advice.. just blowing off some thoughts.

If the house is in Foreclosure, unless you live long distance from your kids, it's best for them to hear it from you than from friends or at school. Cause somebody's parents will most likely talk,........... In front of their kids,.......... Their kids will hear and talk,......... And eventually it will make the circuit back to your kids.

If you live in one town, and they live in another, that's a totally different story.

[niteflytes]

My 2 cents, for what it's worth. My daugher is 17...16 when I started the BK process. We live a comfortable lifestyle in a nice neighborhood. Not the richest neighborhood in town...not the poorest. I told my daughter what was going on, how I planned to deal with it (BK), what BK is and isn't, how it would (and wouldn't) affect us, told her how to deal with creditors calling, etc. She was very understanding. She's told her friends and that's ok. I have nothing to hide or be ashamed about. Since then I've found out that several of her friends parents have filed BK or are thinking about it and the people ranged from families far worse off than us to families we never would have thought would be in financial trouble.

I've told most people I know about filing BK and I've discovered many of them have filed and a few are thinking about filing. I found out my sis-in-law filed years ago. I found out that my ex-husband's sister filed not too long ago. A friend of mine who is a well off doctor called me the day of my 341 meeting just to offer emotional support. So far everyone I've told has been understanding and sometimes full of questions. Maybe I've just been lucky.

As for kids...they have more important things to worry about...unless they hear it through the grape vine. Like my daughter has said to me many times, she'd rather I be honest with her and tell her things than to find it out from someone else or worry because I'm acting "strange". Not that I know what strange would be because she accuses me of acting strange 90% of the time anyway. I suppose it would be a different kind of "strange".

Anyway, I think kids just like to be treated like part of the family they live with and not as outsiders when it comes to "adult" issues. They don't need to know all the details but since they will be affected by the BK (parental stress, less disposable cash, suddenly can't use CC's anymore, etc.) that they deserve some sort of age-appropriate explanation.

[lostinmich]

Well, after thinking long and hard today I decided to tell my kids. They didn't say much and understood as I explained that business choices, financial choices, etc. all have effects on life. They understand the importance of responsible financial management and both said they would like me to help them learn more. How ironic is that??? Here I'm in BK and they want me to show them financial responsibility!! I guess I can show them because I've been to the bottom and can tell them what not to do.

Anyway, I feel better that I told them and now I don't have to hide things regarding the BK. They understand that we'll be moving soon and they're ok with it.

Thanks again for the comments everyone!

[amino99]

I've always been a firm believer that we (and our children) learn best from our mistakes. I found it an excellent opportunity to explain to our son what brought up to BK and the bad decisions that led to this point. It has been a great opportunity for a teenager to learn about money, credit and their misuse. He is so much better equipped than I was at his age and I know this will stay with him for a long time - and that's a good thing.

My parents filed BK back when I was a kid and the only way I knew was I heard them wispering about it one night. All I knew was we were BK but didn't understand how we got there, what we were going to do, etc. Had they sat me down and we did with our son, it might have made a difference. My parents never spoke to me about finances, about saving, about investing, about the wise use of credit.

[niteflytes]

I agree, amino. My daughter has much better money management sense than I do. She's had one, short term job right around Halloween and made about $500. Even after buying Christmas presents for family and friends she still has about $400 left.

If only I could save money the way she does! And she recently told me that as soon as she's out of high school and gets a regular job she wants to open a retirement savings account and start saving for her future. I have to say that I'm actually learning a lot about needs vs wants and saving money from my own kid. It's kind of sad in a way...at least about me and my money habits. At least she's learned not to repeat my mistakes.