Don't know what to do..wife doesnt want to file

[davie20001]

Hello:

Well, i broke the bad news to the wife last night about our situation (70k in cc debt, dont make it every month, etc..) and she is leaving me and taking the kids. I am crushed beyond words.

So after that, i explained that bk chp 7 would be a great option for us but she doesnt want anything to do with it. 2 out of the 5 cards are in her name and i have the papers to make me the primary account holder on those cards.

My question is: should i make myself the primary and take her off the cards altogether and wait a couple of months to file to negate the thought of fraud and file myself?

If i do that, what happens to the house and contents? do we get to keep them if they are in both our names?

HELP!! i am meeting with my priest today and meeting with another lawyer on friday to get his perspective.

I have really screwed things and want to die.

[SinkingFast]

Spouses splitting up is never as simple as ONE issue. Wife is not leaving you because of the level of debt and the thought of filing BK. There are other issues in your relationship. Wife may not have disclosed them to you. You may not be aware of what the issues are. But there are other issues.

You are dealing with a lot right now. Financial ruin is tough all on its own. The thought of your family leaving has added another dimension of grief in your life.

I am so glad you said you have an appointment with your Priest. Divorce and BK are not worth loosing your life over. Both are tough experiences but you will survive either or both. It's good you have a counselor you trust in your life right now.

You really need to ask attnys about the implications of becoming the primary on your wife's CC's. We wanted to refi our truck to pay the IRS and attnys advised NO. The Court would not look kindly on taking on new debt when we hadn't paid other Creditors. Also, new debt on the eve of filing BK does not look good to the Trustee. So definitely ask attnys you Consult with what their advice would be for your particular situation.

[BassBoy]

Hello:

Well, i broke the bad news to the wife last night about our situation (70k in cc debt, dont make it every month, etc..) and she is leaving me and taking the kids. I am crushed beyond words.

So after that, i explained that bk chp 7 would be a great option for us but she doesnt want anything to do with it. 2 out of the 5 cards are in her name and i have the papers to make me the primary account holder on those cards.

My question is: should i make myself the primary and take her off the cards altogether and wait a couple of months to file to negate the thought of fraud and file myself?

If i do that, what happens to the house and contents? do we get to keep them if they are in both our names?

HELP!! i am meeting with my priest today and meeting with another lawyer on friday to get his perspective.

I have really screwed things and want to die.

Calm down for moment Davie. Wanting to die is not an option here. Don't think like that.

I'm sorry to hear about your wife. I truly wish that she comes to realize that BK should not be the end to a marriage. For richer or poorer, right? You both need to talk this out. Maybe she is just shocked over the news and it sent her for a loop. Hopefully, with a little time, you both can work this out.

[lrprn]

Well, i broke the bad news to the wife last night about our situation (70k in cc debt, dont make it every month, etc..) and she is leaving me and taking the kids. I am crushed beyond words.

I'm so sorry to hear that, davie . However, her initial anger and bad reaction to the news may wear off as she has time to calm down and think about things. Don't give up just yet.

So after that, i explained that bk chp 7 would be a great option for us but she doesnt want anything to do with it.

This is a very typical reaction when you are just coming to grips with the reality of what you thought was your financial situation actually isn't. Again, with time and more information, hopefully your wife will be more willing to listen and participate. Does she understand that with the inter-twining of your finances, if you file and she doesn't, she will become the responsible party for all your mutually co-owed debts?

2 out of the 5 cards are in her name and i have the papers to make me the primary account holder on those cards. My question is: should i make myself the primary and take her off the cards altogether and wait a couple of months to file to negate the thought of fraud and file myself?

NO! Do not change these cards around at this point without talking to your lawyer first!! If you do change the cards' responsible parties, it's likely you may have to wait a lot longer than a few months - could be up to a year or more - to ensure there's no fraud or bad faith accusations.

If i do that, what happens to the house and contents? do we get to keep them if they are in both our names?

If you file and your wife doesn't, then she becomes solely responsible for your mutual debts such as your house mortgage. If there are secured loans that you both signed on any of your house's contents, then she becomes solely responsible for those loans as well. If the contents are owned by the two of you free and clear, then typically unless there are high-cost items (jewelry, furs, etc), normal household goods aren't worth going after by a bankruptcy trustee.

HELP!! i am meeting with my priest today and meeting with another lawyer on friday to get his perspective.

This is a very good thing to do. Allow others with more objectivity to help you find your way through this current setback.

I have really screwed things and want to die.

Your wife has some culpability here, you know. I'm sure you did not make all this debt entirely on your own in isolation.

If you are feeling suicidal, please, please seek help immediately from your priest and call a suicide hotline - http://suicidehotlines.com/ . Although it may feel overwhelmingly hopeless right now, this is not worth ending your life over! Get help immediately!! Know we are here and want to help if we can - you are not alone!

[HHM]

Everyone else has already given you the best advice.

At this point, I think you need to give this some time, see where the personal story goes before making any moves on the financial front. But, if it looks like Divorce is inevitable it is usually cleaner to divorce first then do BK, because the assets get divided. (I hope it doesn't come to that, but you should have the info).

As for changing credit cards, the prior posts are correct, you will probably need to wait longer than a few months to avoid an objection to discharge, (assuming the balances are significant, i.e. $2,000+). I would only go this route if you think you can limp along for a year. But if you are looking at a possible divorce, and you're already in over your head with your debt, it's not likely.

In the end, your spouse will have to make their own decisions about what to do and live with those consequences.

[davie20001]

Thanks for the support

Hi all...thank you for the support...

We live in VA, so i dont know what the laws here say about property, etc...

So, if i file alone, what happens to things like the mortgage, heloc, cars, furniture,etc? we are current on the mortgage and heloc and cars and they are in both our names...can i still file alone? what happens to our shared property?? does the court take them away?

as for her being mad and leaving, i believe she is going to go through with leaving me and all...she is so mad at me, its not funny...i told her that i didnt do anything with that money except to provide for them...i dont drink, smoke, do drugs, gamble, other women, etc...i come home from work and help around the house. i am at my wits end...

[BKTango]

Davie my heart goes out to you for everything you are going through. No matter what your life is far more important, especially to your children.

As the others have stated, do not start changing accounts at this point. You need to speak with an attorney immediately and I would suggest you take your wife along. The attorney will do a far better job of telling her this is not the end of the world, and it might be better for her to hear it from a third party. I would assume she has some responsibility in there being 70k of cc debt herself. So she needs to be a part of the process.

Perhaps is might also be a good idea to ask your wife to visit the priest with you. You both need to be there for each other and need help in making your bond as a family a litte stronger.

There's always a way, there's always help, and we are always here.

[HHM]

Hi all...thank you for the support...

We live in VA, so i dont know what the laws here say about property, etc...

So, if i file alone, what happens to things like the mortgage, heloc, cars, furniture,etc? we are current on the mortgage and heloc and cars and they are in both our names...can i still file alone? what happens to our shared property?? does the court take them away?

as for her being mad and leaving, i believe she is going to go through with leaving me and all...she is so mad at me, its not funny...i told her that i didnt do anything with that money except to provide for them...i dont drink, smoke, do drugs, gamble, other women, etc...i come home from work and help around the house. i am at my wits end...

Since you asked...

If you file alone, creditors will now consider your spouse the primary on any joint unsecured debt (because the debt will be discharged as to you), if she doesn't pay, then they go after her. As for any joint secured debts, if you default, stop making payments (note, secured debts are not discharged in BK, so if you file BK, the relevent event that will shift the burden is your default, not whether you file BK), the creditors will look to your spouse to cure the default, if she can't, the property will be foreclosed, repo'd etc.

However, I think you need to put the BK on the back burner for a few months. No mater what, your spouse will be affected by your BK. It is cleaner to divorce first so you get a clear division of assets, and then you can better deal with your exemptions and debt in the BK.

[onlineuse]

Davie, about 24 months ago I was in a similar dark place. My spouse though completely knew what was going on yet I still felt like I was near or at the end of my rope. Spouse was completely understanding but it didn't matter to me. You need to seperate those feelings of shame from the situation with your wife. They are in reality two different things. We do not have the ideal marriage from Leave it to Beaver and we stood by one another. Spouse understood I was the one keeping it together but also had common sense to realize we were living beyond our current means and took some personal responsibility.

Your wife may come around to that and realize she was complicit. Nobody prevented her from picking up the phone and getting a balance and payment history on those three cards or confronting you about the money situation. It's much easier to do nothing and then throw it all on you either for reasons of shame, guilt etc. It's much easier to say "look at what my husband did" than it is to say "look at what WE did". She may come around, she may not.

She also needs to realize if she doesn't file they will pursue her to the ends of the earth. They will call her friends, her family, people with the same last names looking for her once you get really late. Just throwing up her hands and saying "won't file" isn't going to cut it unless she has 75k under a mattress. It sounds like you need to file, and when you do the full brunt of this will be borne by her. She will end up filing anyway.

Filing jointly gets it done at once. The pride hit is probably what is motiviating her, but the reality of the situation is she could have and should have intervened a long time ago and didn't, and now needs to take some responsibility.

[davie20001]

Thank you all for your support

I think i will go and talk to my parents and see if they can help out with the debt that i have...i think my mom's side of the family has some money that i can borrow to pay off these debts and start anew.

but in the end, i will be alone without my family and that is the hardest thing to think about.

i will try to get her to come to the lawyers meeting but dont know if she will.

thanks again for the support.

you are all a godsend.

[BassBoy]

That's great if your family are willing to help you out, but if I may, I wouldn't take on any new loans right now with the possiblity of having to file BK. Taking on a loan like this may only postpone BK, and not prevent it. And who wants to involve family in a BK? That could be an ugly situation. On the other hand, if this completely eliminates the need to file BK, then this could be a wonderful gift.

Listen davie, you and your wife need to have a serious talk. You need to know if there is any other reason for her wanting to leave. If it's just this money thing and possibly filing BK, then once the problem is resolved, she wouldn't have anything to upset about. Right? You need to know the whole truth here. I truly hope you and she can work this out.

[onlineuse]

Unless your family has money to throw away borrowing makes no sense, JMHO. All you are doing is transferring who you owe the money too when the real problem is you don't have the money.

[9877donna]

So sorry you have to face both of these problems all at once...

Davie2001,Maybe you and your wife need some time to think and get your thoughts and priorites together before going ahead with BK or asking family members to lend you the money.Like another poster said maybe she needs time to get used to the idea of not being able to live beyond your means any longer.
It's not going to be any easy road for you or her but you need to take long,deep breath and think long and hard about the situation you are in and the best way to handle it.
I wish you the best of luck and hope you both can work things out.
Donna

[riverlady]

I am so sorry this is happenign to you, your wife and your family. However, don't make any decisions right now that are not of an emergency nature!

Start by getting the two issues under control - your family and money. these are not one in the same and should not be treated as such.

Do what you ahve to do financially to get you back on solid ground. DO NOT borrow money from other family members to put a band aid on the immediate situation because if you cna't pay the bills you can't pay the family back. You need permenant solutions here and maybe BK 7 will be the answer. do this for your future and your kids' future. You can recove rather quickly from BK 7 and move forward without all this hanging over your head. If your wife does not want to do this then let her figure out how to pay what is in here name. You can always file now and she later....

Now for your family... your wife has announced she is leaving so start circling the wagons around yourself. Explain to her that you want only to start anew and hope she can learn to forgive your part of bad decisions and move forward. also explain that you can recover this together IF you both work together.

Good luck...

[bige1030]