Fighting a Losing Battle

[HopefulInOhio]

I don't know how much more of this I can take. It's the waiting that has me going nuts.

My court date for my divorce is not until Jan 5th. I cannot file bankruptcy until we see what my stbx is going for and his attorney is nuts. Once we see where we stand, if need be, the bankruptcy will be filed then and a stay will be put on the divorce since it's a civil matter.

So only then will I feel some relief.

I have 7 credit cards and a total of a little over $20,000 in debt. I cannot pay any of them and expect to survive. Every cent I make goes towards bills and my daughter. A divorce and bankruptcy is costing me legal fees and any left over money I have goes right to that bill.

I can't even afford to heat my home with propane and will be using electric heaters until I can pay for propane, which in turn will run my electric up.

My mother actually received a phone call from one of the creditors much to my horror. A $700 credit card collector wanted a $40 payment.

Then, today Dell sends me a letter - well, rather a collector sent me a letter representing Dell. I owe them $1000. What happens now? Do they come after me in court??

I'm so lost and down - I keep putting on that smiling face though. My court date is 4 weeks away and I'll know something then - how we proceed with the bankruptcy will come out then. I'd like to have my divorce over with first and this court date may do that. But, if I stand to gain a lot as a settlement, we need to know that too.

I'm so stressed out I have no idea how I function anymore. I just feel like anyone that looks at me knows I'm broke. As of now, I am. I just spent my last $20 on food and gas. I get paid Tuesday and get child support as well, but that's already spent on bills..what else??

Has anyone been this broke before? If so, how in the world did you keep your head up? I might make it thru better if I wasn't going thru a divorce at the same time, but I'm in shock of how my life got this way at the age of 40.

I see couples together at the stores and places and I just want to run home. Not that I miss him because I haven't in a long time, but it's the idea of how alone I really am in all this. Panic attacks are setting in alot and now the idea of how I've got to find my own medical coverage is starting to eat me alive too. Whether it's at work or thru somewhere else, it's yet another bill I'm going to be stuck with.

I know I sound like I'm droning on and on, but I'm just lost. My divorce is happening due to my stbx having an affair. I was working part time while being a wife and mother which was what I wanted. I was with him for 17 years. He up and leaves. I thank God for getting me grants to return to school for that is the only thing that has saved me all these months knowing my mind is still able to work.

I have a student loan that comes thru on Jan 3. It will help me pay my attorney, get moved to an apartment where living expenses are less. I also have my income tax coming back late Jan. Who knows how much as of yet.

How will that loan and income tax affect my bankruptcy once filed? I tell you what...most all of it is accounted for already with a little left over. Will it be held against me even though that money will get me thru a very tough patch?

The repairs, utilities, heating on this home is eating me alive and I need to move. My daughter and I have been here for 17 months alone and we are both so depressed we can barely move. I feel like the world's worst mother to have her in this kind of life.

I'm just so overwhelmed I have no idea what to do anymore.

Someone tell me they've been at this point before and that it CAN get better for I just don't see it. I see myself in so much trouble for this debt that I'm gonna spend the rest of my life with judgments and sitting in court with legal fees thru the roof. Someone please tell me they've this far in debt, broke, depressed and saw light finally one day.

I just want to roll myself in a ball and have someone roll me down a hill.

Sorry for the whining and the long post. Just very sad with the holiday and all. Thanks for listening. I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself but don't know how to see any hope. With the phone calls and letters now, I'm having small heart attacks daily.

[Spartan]

Not to worry. The BK is exactly there to relieve people in your situation. It will be sorted out and cleaned up, and you and your daughter will absolutely be on the right track to a much better, less stressful and happier life.

Other members will chime in with more specific advice. They are far more knowledgeable than yours truly, in this area. What I do know is, right now, you are way to stressed out by the limbo you are in, and thus, it is hard to see the bright side of things. But rest assured that, there doesn't seem to be anything in your situation that cannot be remedied. If you read around the forum, you will find that a lot of us are or have been, in deeper troubles. But things do get worked out. Again, I don't seem to see anything in your case that is unsolvable. So, step back and take a deep breathe. Look at it this way, by Summer, you and your daughter will be on a new and better chapter of your lives.

[arkienurse]

YOu are not alone. I am quite sure someone else on this group has been through similar circumstances and survived.
Is there a mental health center near you? Most will do counseling for you and your daughter at little or no cost to you. And I think I would be having my lawyer to ask for not only health insurance from the ex for your daughter, but also for yourself while you are in school. After all, you took care of his home for 17 years. The least he can do is provide for your health while you get an education to be able to support yourself.


You just come on and vent anytime you need to. That is what we are here for.

[rrockinggramma]

I can relate to the situation exactly. My downfall started in 1999/2000. Filed chapter 7 in 01 but due to poor decisions prior, a chapter 7 did NOT help me. All of my debt was secured. I lost my house and even though making great money, could still not afford to pay my bills. Finally one dreary winter day my boss ( principal of my school) came into my office ( I was a HS guidance counselor) and told me to go get help. I cried every day at work and was of no use to anyone. I felt so out of control with everything. I was working and still could not afford to pay my bills etc. It was awful. So I went to therapy. It really helped me see the light. For me, the key was realizing that I still couldn't provide the same lifestyle for my children as I had prior to my divorce and BK. And I was still trying to not let "my" problems affect their life. However, it was because of their lifestyle that I was in the mess I was in. So I had to let their cars go back (all in total I returned 6 cars including those in my BK) and I had to tell them that I could no longer just give them money at will. It was tough. My son didn't speak to me for a year. I left him in the lurch at college and he had to find a way to finish his education without me paying his rent/his truck/his insurance/ and giving him spending money. My second daughter was in the same boat, but she still talked to me. My youngest was still in HS and was with me but was a senior and I didn't make her senior year a good one. She had to come up with the money to pay for her prom dress etc on her own. I literally had not a cent to my name each pay day. I still am not sure where it was all going but I know I sure didn't have any left over. It is a helpless feeling to wonder if you can keep your heat and your lights on and still put some food in the cupboard. But therapy was my answer. I still cried for days and days after each session but with each session the answers became more clear. It was time that I came first. If I didn't make that change I would not survive (suicide was a daily thought for me at that time) Now here it is 2006. I am 12 months into my chapter 13 and for the first time, am seeing light at the end of the tunnel. It will take time and will not happen overnight but it will happen. You are right, do the divorce first and then do the BK. That way everything can be included. And if you have insurance, go to therapy, both you and your daughter. You will be amazed at how much it helps to have someone you can talk to or cry with that is not judgemental. Good luck!

[rrockinggramma]

continued

I probably didn't help much after rereading your post. Your area should have a center where therapy is offered. Call your local hospital and ask. Also ask about medicaid or "my child" (in mich) insurance for your daugher. All states have some type of federally funded insurance program based on a sliding scale until your daughter is the age of 18. And some therapists will also accept patients on a sliding scale as well. Call and call and call until you get some answers. I can relate to your aloneness etc. My first husband had an affair and just dealing with the betrayal after 22 years of marriage was unbelievable. Plus I had 3 small children at the time that needed me to be strong. So I shoved all of my feelings under "for them" and provided them with a lifestyle I could not afford because I didn't want to "inconvenience" them with my situation. That was a huge mistake. Your daughter is probably pretty angry with her Dad and you are caught having to deal with that as well. Also, others may disagree, but if you are giving the house up in the BK and it is eating you alive now with expenses, why not move now? Why wait? (I don't know all of your details but I beelined it right out of our home because I couldn't stand the thought of being there) and I moved all of us closer to my job. Well I will stop talking now but if you need to share more, let me know. My log in is not my email so if there is a way, I can get it to you if you would like to talk sometime. Good luck.

[SinkingFast]

I know it's not gonna sound like a great pearl of wisdom or anything, Hopeful, but what you're going thru is VERY normal.

You are grieving.

We all grieved the loss of our lifestyles when we realized that BK was the only way for us to handle our financial difficulties.

You are also grieving the loss of your "family", your companion, your friend, your life mate. 17 years is a lot of time invested. You don't just turn off those emotions at the drop of a hat.

On the Life's Traumas Scale, these are HUGE events.

Everyone grieves at their own pace. How long this takes for you is totally your own. One moment at a time. One day at a time. It will get better.

[HopefulInOhio]

Thanks guys...I'm just so overwhelmed due to get this letter today from Dell. I have supposedly 30 days to pay this $1000 or they will take further action. Go ahead...I don't have anything to offer.

rrrockinggramma, I'd move now, but I don't have the money. See where I wrote in my post I have a student loan coming thru in January plus income tax? That right there will get me and my daughter out of here. Finally. I am ready to lose my mind in this house and so is she. The same old same old for all these months. I HAVE to get us out of here.

The stbx is whining that he can't live right due to paying child support and the mortgage here. Well, as of January he can have the house - I don't want it and he is to refinance it and I will get my share of the equity. Not sure how much due to him already refinancing it 2 years ago to add on plus buying tons of gym equipment. He has had 2 affairs and left both times and I was told it was my fault each time. Not hardly. He's an idiot that feels he is being made to suffer. Yea right. I can't hardly stand to look at him let alone talk to him. We will have to come to terms on how much he will pay in alimony now since I won't be living in the home he's paying for.

As for insurance, he will carry our daughter until she's 18. I only have to find coverage for myself. I've found some plans for around $90 monthly, but not great copays or the deductibles are sky high. Any ideas anyone could give me?

I'm in the process of looking for things to sell to get me thru Christmas. My daughter is not asking for much, but I'd at least like to get her a few things to show her I'm not able to do anything. Won't be much and she knows it, but I do want her Christmas morning to see a few packages. Luckily my family is doing a gift exchange and I only have my brother to shop for. Other than him and my daughter, my gift buying will be complete. Thank God. My family knows I'm strapped due to this divorce and it's nice they are doing this for me.

As for counseling, I do see a counselor once in a while. It does help to talk and I feel better afterwards.....what also helps is typing all this out to you all and getting it off my chest when the counselor is not around. Really helps more than you know.

Dealing with an affair is bad enough, but to throw in being broke along with it is enough to drive me over the edge. My stress level is sky high and I worry that one day I'm going to have a sheriff or 2 show up with a court order for unpaid credit cards. I'm so scared of that that I'm making myself sick.

I've also heard my stbx tell me I can't move over the past 2 months.....as to which holds no bearing to me. He wants me here so he can control things. There is nothing stopping me from moving and he knows it. Nothing in the world.

Thanks all for listening.......I just can't seem to wrap my mind around things getting better. The letters and phone calls are so scary.....how do you deal with them??

[Spartan]

Don't worry about the letters and calls. Don't get spooked by those. They can't harm you.

Now, the Dell thing is a bit tricky. I have heard that they will sue and get a judgement and then garnish your wages. It is like a standard operating procedure to them. Don't get panic over it yet. The legal proceeding is going to take time. They will file suit, and you will need to be served. After that, you have 3 weeks to answer. Do answer the suit. If you do not answer, a default judgement will be entered against you on the date stated on the suit. So, do answer the suit. There is a way to answer it without admitting or denying anything. I forgot about the exact way to go about this. Other members here will be able to tell you more about this. HHM knows a lot about all these stuffs. After you answer the lawsuit, a trial date will be set, which will be a few months, I believe. I could be wrong about the lead time. Anyway, other members can help you more with this. But it will buy you enough time for the BK to be filed, so as to prevent any wage garnishment.


Now, do not over worry yourself over the phone calls and the letters. They can't do anything to you and your daughter's wellbeing. I know they can be a shock when you get them. But rest assured that they can't harm you.

[Credit Hater]

Thanks all for listening.......I just can't seem to wrap my mind around things getting better. The letters and phone calls are so scary.....how do you deal with them??

Stop talking to them and try to stop caring about any debt you have. Your credit score will suffer a lot, but stop caring about that too. Dell won't do a thing but send it to a collections agency, who in turn probably cant do a thing but try to take you to court, win a judgement and put a lien on your car or home....and it really isn't a big deal, the lien can be dealt with during your bk.

But seriously, stop talking to any of them, don't answer any of their questions, or answer with "no comment", in case you happen to get tricked into talking to one....best to just hang up though. Your happiness and sanity are far more important than worrying about your debts right now. No sheriff will show up anytime soon, and you will have plenty of warning ahead of time because of the judgement trial that would have to take place first. And if your creditors and collection agencies look at your situation and see that you don't have much for them to come after, then scaring you by talking to you is their only weapon....so don't let them do that. Change your number and get a pay as you go cell phone and only give it out to very important friends and family and tell them not to give it to anyone. Thats what I did, and the peace and quiet is GREAT! I just read the letters they send me now and collect with other paperwork for when I do file.

Please don't let them scare you and intimidate you, they aren't worth it. You focus on you and your daughter....forget about the rest.

[Credit Hater]

Yep, if you're in Ohio, then they could garnish your wages after winning a judgement (I wasn't thinking about that Spartan, thanks). But all of that will take time and by then you will probably be filing your bk.

[Spartan]

Yeah. If she answers Dell's suit, by the time the trial comes around, she should be home free with her BK filing.

[HopefulInOhio]

Thanks all - just got on and saw all the new replies. Not feeling much better today, but at least the sun is shining. I may be back later to vent some more for I just feel so cornered. Luckily my anti-D is needing a refill and I get paid Monday or else I think I'd be more nuts.

I just hope and pray that my nerves last thru all the letters that are coming..lol..I almost hate to get the mail.

thanks!

[Credit Hater]

I just hope and pray that my nerves last thru all the letters that are coming..lol..I almost hate to get the mail.

thanks!

I wish I could say something to get you to stop focusing on intimidation from the creditors...Theres SOO MUCH MORE going for you right now that you just don't see darling. You have your daughter, hopefully healthy....you have yourself, some great things going for you....your sight, hearing, limbs, your mind (since you're finishing school).....soo many people out here are having a much tougher time. I want you to realize that! Thats what got me through my mental mess when I was first falling down and bk was my only option. No matter how bad you've got it right now, someone is always out there having it worse than you. Trust me, you will get through this. Stop worrying yourself so much and be thankful for the little (more important) things......and smile

[HopefulInOhio]

Thanks CH - I almost feel like I need a gigantic kick in the pants to get moving. I've always had my husband here for any kind of trauma in my life and being alone has just put me out of sorts in it all. Parents are not in the best of health and I don't want to burden them with all this -they do offer, but they live off a fixed - very fixed - income and I would never take their money.

I know I focus too much on them - and it is intimidating, but my life is more important - it's important because my daughter's life is important, and if I'm not healthy and strong, she's witnessing it all.

I have a few friends who have filed and told me things to do - yet they are all married and have each other. I get lonely at times and it gets the best of me - shouldn't for I don't miss the man at all. I just miss the idea of marriage.

Oh well.....it will be over one day. I hope to see my life a lot better in 6 months..1 month until divorce court..then we go from there.

Thanks again!

[BK'd-Betty]

I just hope and pray that my nerves last thru all the letters that are coming..lol..I almost hate to get the mail. thanks!

My husband used to get the mail and while he was handing it to me he'd say "here's today's bad news" - we ended up making a joke about it. I used to shread the letters, unopened, directy to the paper shredder. GAWD I loved that!

Hang in there girlfriend, most of us have been to hell and back - more than once!

I promise you, at this time next year, this will be a distant memory! Keep taking your meds and takes lots of hot bubble baths.

And while you're at it - nail that ex of yours - get every single penny you and your daughter are entitled to. Show no mercy - if you do - you will not be rewarded for your kindness.