What do you tell your kids about BK, job loss, financial hardship?

[mothersvox]

Hi all, I'm just wondering, for those of you with kids, what do you tell your kids about BK, job loss, financial hardship, the collection calls, the days when you're crying for no reason and all the other things that come up at times like this?

I'm just wondering. As some of you might have read elsewhere on this board, my 7-year-old speech-language impaired daughter has taken to sleeping with her teddy, her blankie, and, more recently, a sock filled with quarters! The quarters thing made me cry. Especially b/c my dh and I had not been talking about any of this in front of her, but obviously she KNOWS something's up. She might be language-impaired, but I guess she's not stupid.

It's hard to know how to make her feel secure when we feel so insecure.

[mothersvox]

Hi all, I'm just wondering, for those of you with kids, what do you tell your kids about BK, job loss, financial hardship, the collection calls, the days when you're crying for no reason and all the other things that come up at times like this?

Is this too sad to talk about? Or is do most of you not have kids at home? Just wondering. I want to make it as easy for my kid as possible . . .

[robivi3]

My boys are older. They were with us in the Toy business. They know the ropes and what we went through. it bothers me at times but they are wiser for the wear.

[bull]

We have 2 girls (almost 8 and 9). We are trying not to let them hear us talk about it or get involved. This is not their problem and they don't need to worry about it. We only have one creditor calling us and we have just explained that we don't answer the phone all the time because it is usually "sales calls".

They are not stupid either and know that something is wrong. If/when the time comes, we will explain it to them in the simplest way we can. Like I said, I just don't feel that they need to worry about something that they have no control over.

I wish you all the luck in the world.

[freshstartinmo]

I don't know you or your daughter, but based on my own personal experience and philosophy, here's my opinion:

Kids are not stupid, and your daughter is a bright, intelligent human being. You need to level with her.

I'm not saying you need to go into every detail, but she needs to have at least a simple explanation of just what the hell is going on, and she also needs your reassurance that everything is going to be all right.

We have 5 kids. The only one who doesn't know about our financial woes and bankruptcy is the 1-1/2 year old, and that's only because it's over his head. Not one of our kids is warped or insecure.

This may be more detail than your kid needs, but as far as ours are concerned, the deal is something like this:

Mom and Dad are sometimes stressed because we really don't have enough money right now. Dad is working hard to fix this, and we are making progress. It's not at all your fault that Dad sometimes doesn't have all the time or energy he needs. He will give you as much time and attention as he can, but he also has to work and gain money.

Mom and Dad had to borrow quite a bit of money because Dad didn't have a job. In the end, they were simply not able to pay it back.

Long ago, in the days of Moses, God gave a law that said people who have hard times financially and really can't repay what they owe should be forgiven their debts. In the Old Testament, they did this every seven years. Here in the USA, we do something like that, called bankruptcy, for people who get into bad financial situations. Mom and Dad have filed bankruptcy. This means their debt is going to be forgiven, and they get to start all over.

So now, as soon as Dad is making a decent living, we will be OK financially. We won't be rich (yet!), but we will be doing fine.

Part of it is your perspective. If you're not uptight about the fact you're going through bankruptcy, your daughter won't be. You don't even have to use the "B" word if you're afraid she'll repeat it somewhere.

The fact is, bankruptcy is actually a wonderful thing. We were in a hopeless situation, with over $50,000 in debts and literally no income. Right now we're barely scraping by, and the debt is being canceled.

Barely scraping by, with no debt to pay, is a HELL of a lot better than having zero income and creditors chasing you for $50,000.

And soon, I think, I'll be earning a decent enough living. We have literally been given a fresh start. And you are going to be given that same fresh start.

Other input: if at all possible, come up with a plan to prevent whatever put you into this situation from ever recurring. Start saving money EVERY SINGLE WEEK, even if you have to start with $1 like we did. Increase the amount every week until you hit a wall, then drop back down to a lower level, but save every week. Build a 3 to 6-month emergency fund, find ways to increase your income, make sure you end up with adequate insurance, etc.

Your daughter will feel much better having a clue what's going on, and knowing that everything's going to be all right, than she does right now being kept in the semi-dark.

I wish you all the best.

[jeslyn]

Growing up, I know my parents struggled (we live in TX and my dad is in the oil business). When the bubble burst in the mid 80s, life was tough. My dad was never home, always out of town looking for work, on contract jobs, etc. The best thing that they did for my brother and me was to keep our lives as routine and normal as possible. We still played soccer, took dance, had sleepovers- we did chores without an allowance in order to "pay" for these activities. We didn't get everything that we wanted or asked for, but we were taught to appreciate what we were given. I don't know how they did it- now being grown up I know how stressful it must have been for them. They sacrificed their own well being so that we could have a decent childhood. I am forever grateful for their generosity and love.

My advice to you is this: LOVE your children. Tell them they are the most important thing in the world to you. Every day. Show them you love them by spending time with them. Teach them to appreciate what they have.

Now that I am grown, I am going through my own financial hardships. I am bankrupt. I have had many conversations about it with both of my parents. They never filed because that evil stigma still existed back then. They know I am making the right decision and tell me how brave I am- the love and support is still there. Your daughter, in time, will realize that you are making the right decision too. She will know that these money problems are not important in the grand scheme of things, and that you are making the decisions that your are making to create a better life for all of you.

Communicate with her about her quarter sock. I'm not sure how impaired she is, but as you said, children are very perceptive. They want to think they can help out. I think it's a testament to her intelligence and compassion that she cares enough to save for her family. When I read your post, tears welled up in my eyes as well.

You are a good mother and you are making the best decision for your family. We are all here together. Good luck!

[mothersvox]

Hi everyone. Thank you so much. You guys are just wonderful. The story about Biblical 7 years forgiveness of debts. The advice about my daughter and her sock full of quarters. The language you've used with your kids. You are all just amazing. I will try to post an adequate response when I stop crying. Thank you all.

[mothersvox]

Not to get soggy on you all again, but thank you for all of your ideas and support.

Since my daughter has this language impairment, (thanks for thinking about that jeslyn) I will try to think of some visual ways to communicate with her about what is going on, conveying the same sort of warmth and assurance that freshstartinmo described.

freshstart, your language was beautiful. I even talked about the Biblical tradition of forgiveness every seven years last night in the class I'm teaching! So you helped me teach my class, too.

bull, calling the calls "sales calls" is great.

In the end, I think that my being less anxious--thanks to all of you--helps her the most. Thank you.

P.S. robivi3, you're a hero for working to make it in the toy business!

[jeslyn]

I'm not a psychologist, nor do I have children, BUT, I've heard that a lot of people get children of all abilities to express their feelings through art projects or music. I bet she loves to draw and color- I don't really know a kid that doesn't!
I'm sure she already notices the small amount of relief that you are experiencing. Glad you are feeling better!

We're all here for each other, don't forget that! We may be anonymous, but we all have a special bond

Take care, and have a wonderful weekend - IT's FRIDAY

[robivi3]

I think job loss would be the hardest issue. I thank God I have never dealt with this. My parents never did and as my mothers family were off to WWII and home again they enjoyed the boom years and this wasn't such a problem. My wife on the other hand has faced it most of her working life. She was a Paralegal. Attorneys, especially those who are staring out, do not like to give raises and will go through Office Staff quickly to avoid it. One job lasted four years. That was the longest run. She is out of this field now and works happily for the last five years for a small publishing company. It is heaven, the owners are very tight with the employees, they actually have a code book for behavior and enforce it, but even they had to close down their night shift.

Financial problems a child can handle, but I think job loss is different because it absolutely attacks a persons self worth and causes an adult to feel unworthy and polarizes people as a whole, in other words any sense of family or unity can't exist under such a threat (as far as a workplace). I can understand the tears when it comes to job loss, I empathize with those feelings (if that is the correct phrase).

I think mothersvox should have put job loss in bold BIG letters. THAT would be the hardest to explain to a child. It attacks their sense of security, the one thing we all desire for our families.

I have found that one trick to getting life is to realize that ALL people feel inadequate, ALL feel stupid at times, ALL feel humiliated at times and ALL have made huge mistakes. There are certain things that will happen in life and we have to realize that it is normal to feel a certain way about them and we have to give ourselves space. But you also have to get a little agressive, you do have intelligence, you do have value to those who love you and you are needed. You also have to reassure those who depend on you that things will work out and try to keep life as normal as you can.