How I handle collectors:

[nokia123]

Phone ring: "hello"
Person: "hello, is (my wifes name) there"
Me: "No, (and I glance at my clock, it's 11:20) she will be home at 11:00"
Person: (slight pause) "11:00 this morning"?
Me: "That is correct".
Person:"it's 11:22 now, she is late".
Me: "exactly"
Person: "is she normally late"?
Me: "Nope".
Person: "she is late this time".
Me: "No, she called and told me she was running behind".
Person: (slight pause) "Then she wont be home at 11:00, when will she"?
Me: "You are correct".
Person (slight pause) "Could you have her call us at xxxxxxxxxxx".
Me: "I'm her husband maybe I can help you".
Person: "I'm calling about her past due account"
Me: "oh, then you will want to talk with me on that matter".
Person: "she is the card holder I need to speak with her. Are you authorized to speak for her".
Me: "As far as you know I am".
Person: "Is there any information you can give me as to when this account will be brought up to current"?
Me: "of course".
Person: (slight pause again). "When would that be".
Me: "Yesterday".
Person: "Your account was brought up to current yesterday"?
Me: "that is correct".
Person: "I'm not showing it's current".
Me: "Are you looking at the statement now"?
Person: "yes".
Me: "and it's past due"?
Person: "yes".
Me: "Oh, I got the accounts mixed up, I'm not good with numbers, you will want to speak with my wife, she will be home at 11:00".
Personanother long pause) "Please have her call us at xxxxxxxxxxx".
Me: "was that xxxxxxxxY"?
Person: "no it's xxxxxxxxxxx".
Me: "xxxxxxyxxxx"
Person: "no, it's xxxxxxxxxxx".
Me: "oh, sorry I was hearing xxxxxxyxxxx, I'm not good with numbers you know".
Person: "Do you have the correct number now"?
Me:" yes it's xxxxxyxxxy"
Person: "Do you have an answering machine".
Me: "yes".
Person: "I will call back and leave the number on it".
Me: "But I'm here, and will answer the phone".
Person: "Don't answer and I will leave the message".
Me: "Um, okay".
Person: "good bye".
Me: "good bye".
Five mins later the phone rings...
Me: "hello".
Person: "you weren't suppose to answer, I'm leaving the number on your answering machine".
Me: "Oh, I didn't know it was you, thought maybe it was my wife she's late you know".
Person: "Yes I know. Does she have a cell phone she can be reached at"?
Me: "yes".
Person: "May I have that number"?
Me: "Sure Press 1 and hit send"
Person: "Sorry?".
Me: "Oh, I mean I press 1 on my cell phone and send and it's her number".
Person: "Do you know the actual number?".
Me: "No, just the speed dial".
Person: "Do you have your cell phone with you".
Me: "yes".
Person: "can you bring up that number"?
Me: "it's on the charger"
Person: "I will call back this evening"
Me: "we are going out this evening".
Person: "then I will leave the call back number on your machine".
Me: "You can call back now, I wont answer this time".
Person: "thank you, good bye".
Me: "your wel..." phone went dead, she hung up before I finished.
less then one min later.. Phone rings..
Me: "hello".
"click". they hung up

I really look forward to these calls. I'm a stay at home husband and need the entertainment....

i love this one, i know this drove them nut's