Convincing family that chapter 7 isn't a death sentence

[ExplorerZ]

My in-laws are convinced that I'm essentially committing financial suicide, a disgrace to the family, etc etc. They're both about 70 and I can't help but feeling it's a generational divide since it certainly seems like bk was worse before than it is today. Doesn't help that my father-in-law was a bank VP in the 80s!

Any advice on dealing with family entrenched in that sort of mindset? Better yet, for convincing them the path is correct?

In our case, we pass the means test easily even before my massive pay cut affects the income shown on it. They insist that finding a way to pay for everything "might hurt more in the short term but will be infinitely better in the long term" and argue if anything drastic should be done it would be just foreclosure (we have 3 mortgages with USAA, so I'm quite worried about recourse and the IRS and not qualifying for ch7 when that would be known for sure). Nothing seems to bring them around and all discussion gets heated.

Thanks for any ideas!

[angel7821]

Do what is best for you and to heck with what anyone else thinks. It is not their life that is in financial dire at this time.

[LadyInTheRed]

Tell them that BK is not financial suicide. It is financial repair. Yes, it destroys your credit rating. But despite what the credit industry would like you to believe, your credit rating does not determine your financial health. Being able to pay your living expenses without relying on credit and having an emeregency savings is what is financially healthy. Some times, people need a reboot to make that possible. That is what BK is for.

If that kind of logic doesn't help, you could try showing them a list of very successful people who have filed BK: Abraham Lincoln, Henry Ford, Walt Disney, Milton Hershey, Franics Ford Coppola, just to name a few. Without bankruptcy, we might not have Mickey Mouse, Hershey's milk chocolate or the Model T. You'll find a lot more examples with a google search.

If they are religious people, you could quote the bible. Deuteronomy 15:1-2: “At the end of every seven years you shall grant a release. And this is the manner of the release: every creditor shall release what he has lent to his neighbor. He shall not exact it of his neighbor, his brother, because the Lord's release has been proclaimed."

You could also just stop having the discussion. Tell them, "I appreciate your concern. I've looked into my options and I am confident that this is the best decision for me." Then change the subject. If they try to bring up again, be like a broken record and repeat the same statement until they drop the subject.

ETA: Your parent's could be right about the mortgages, whether you file Chap 7 or not. Make sure you can afford the home before you decide to keep it. I hope you will not be reaffirming your mortgages.

[NoMoreCards]

Another option is simply to keep your financials a personal matter. That is actually what many people do. Some topics are simply not open for extended family discussions or debate.

[frogger]

Tell them that BK is not financial suicide. It is financial repair.

Indeed. You need to make the best business decision for you and yours.

[kawh]

Your in-laws have been more fortunate than most, being born ahead of the baby boomers, so competition for high level jobs wasn't nearly as intense as that generation experienced. And the traditional dream of a job for life and the gold watch and a retirement party was still happening. They should consider themselves fortunate, but not hold themselves up as an example for you and your wife, who are living in this bizarro world where employers don't give a rat's ass about your career or your financial existence and would replace you in a second with cheap overseas labor if they could.

I'm sure someone has posted JB Quinn's article from 4 years ago on the case for walking away, but here it is, show it to them, altho I doubt it will change their outdated opinions. It would be better to keep your financial affairs to yourself, but that's hard to do when you're stressed. The important thing is for you to feel ok about it, that it is the best thing you can do for your family now, and not to convince someone who isn't going to ever be convinced and who ain't gonna change no how.

http://www.thedailybeast.com/newsweek/2009/01/03/the-case-for-walking-away.html

[df04527]

My two cents is that this decision is not up for debate among extended family. Noone but your immediate circle of family members has any idea of what you are going through and therefore, cannot judge what you do.

Sound harsh? You bet it does. It's a harsh world out there.

[Pizza]

For what it's worth, for older generations, family finances were super private. So keep yours private!

[pamkev]

We have told no one in our family and plan on keeping it that way. It really is not there business

[basketsbears]

I agree on keeping financial affairs private, but they already know so cat is out of the bag. A few close family members know we have filed, but that is it.

I agree with others as well that this is a new start for you and your family. We are in our mid 50's and now that we have filed, I feel that we will have a better retirement, and overall quality of life once I return to full-time employment.

Please like LIR said - do not reaffirm your mortgage - or any secured credit.

(((hugs))) for you - it is hard when people you love and respect are telling you what a horrible decision you are making. (((hugs))) We are all here for you!

Lynn

[Drazil65]

Hi and welcome. Not sure how they became involved in your financial affairs but if you were the ones that let them into your financial world then you will probably have to be the ones to let them out. Stop all communication about filing as of now, just tell them that you two have decided that its a private matter and you will no longer burden them with your financial issues. Let them know you appreciate their opinions and thoughts but the issue is now off the table and you will not have that converstion any longer.

If they found out by accident or others talking (not sure who you have shared with) the above conversation will also do. In other words, it will be up to you to stop the conversation period. Hard in the beginning but you will not regret keeping it amoungst yourselves in the long run. One word of caution though, if you have repeatedly gone to family (ie: inlaws) for help with money issues then they may feel like they have a dog in this fight and try to push you one wasy or another so be prepared for that fight if that was the case. Other than that you have to be the one to stop it! Good Luck!

[jst4f]

Declaring BK should be and in the end is a business decision but with significant emotional content. Since they already know, I agree with D65 and stop discussing it at least until you have been discharged and closed.

Please read the sticky note on reaffirming your mortgage.

Read the forum for strategies for renting post BK. You do not need to move in with family as you will be able to find good rental property.

Hope you have a good attorney, if not shop around for one you are comfortable with. One hour consultations are usually free.

The fresh start is worth it!

[IBroke]

Tell them that BK is not financial suicide. It is financial repair. Yes, it destroys your credit rating.

I had to smile when I read this because in my case, it actually improved my credit as a whole..

[Sammie]

Aside from my friends here on the Bk Forum, Our Attorney & his Para Legals---2 people know that we filed for Ch. 13 Bk., myself and my husband, & we plan to keep it that way. We did what was best for us & it does not involve anyone else. sammie

[kawh]

Well, you can't lock up the horse after the barn door's already left open. I wish I had not told my sis, because now I know that at least one, possibly two others know. But it's too late for me, and too late for the OP. Some towns are too small to keep secrets, anyway.