Told my wife

[Blackgoose]

Thank you

[APL]

I would like to talk to someone tonight. I don't have any family so is there a hotline or group you would suggest?

Hi Black, your PM ability is disabled, you may want to turn it on so other members of the forum can reach you.

ETA: There is also a websie called talkaboutmarriage.com, which has many subforums for various challenges and one of them is Money & Finance. The rebuilding trust areas may be of help to you as well.

[AbbeyA]

I wanted to say I am very sorry for the pain you are going through. I'm truly sorry, I can tell in the words you type how much you are hurting. I hope the helpline is able to offer you some comfort tonight. If you need to, take it minute by minute, hour by hour. You will get through this, whatever the outcome, as long as you keep "treading water" for now. It is going to take some time, but eventually you will have a day when it does not consume you. You are bigger than all of this and deserve much more than the terrible feelings you are having right now.

Your bk forum friends are here to listen. Please let us know how you are doing in the morning.

[frogger]

You just made a big step in the direction of healing your relationship with your family. Congratulations for that.

The rest of it?

It's only money and that's not what life is about.......

Go home and love.

[IamOld]

Blackgoose I know what you're going through - for one thing, your wife had to have had an inkling and she herself buried it. Yes, trust, once gone, is hard to get back, but it will come back...it will take time (believe me I know).

But my friend GO HOME...DO NOT LEAVE YOUR KIDS, YOUR WIFE, YOUR HOUSE, because then I can guarantee you she may think that you've left.

GO HOME - talk this out - your family needs you.

Look, I totally think I screwed up my life and that of my family, but you know what - we've all screwed up. You did what you thought was best with the cards you've been dealt.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE go home - GO HOME...and be home. If need be you and the wife need to take a day off when kids are in school (remember them too!!!!) and talk this out at least to the point where you guys can talk. Show her the forum...show her the fact that this economy is destroying people.

Above all...GO HOME!!!!!!!!!!!

[AngelinaCatHub]

I hope "our guy" has gotten a little bit of sleep. Sleep is a great healer. He needs to take a sick day as if he shows for work, his break down will be noticed. The best is as IAO said, return to the house. Sit down with DW and declare the decision to bk as a Victory. It is a business decision and as he said, (my words now) "Honey, I did not wish to worry you as I always thought I could catch up. After all, the debt went to the household and not to toys. We now will have to simplify our life styles". (My words only but I would use them if I were in a wifely "situation". ).

Mrs. and I send a small prayer to our friend.

BTW, he cannot turn on his PM's until he has posted long enough. It is part of LAZ's spam security. There is other safeguards but I haven't noticed all of them. The spam has gone down though. 'Hub

[Justdonewit]

I was the wife in your scenario, Blackgoose. I was furious at my husband for putting us in such dire financial circumstances, and for keeping it from me for so long. I could have helped, and curbed much spending if I had known the truth of what was going on. That was more than 3 years ago & although it has not been an easy journey, we are now less than a month from the 60 day mark. The end is in sight and our relationship is in tact.

As everyone else said, once I got my head around it, was able to think logically and get over the initial panic, I decided the only thing to do was to close ranks and face it together. Give her a little time, but absolutely don't give up! There is light at the end of the tunnel and your wife needs to know that too.

[AngelinaCatHub]

I was the wife in your scenario, Blackgoose. I was furious at my husband for putting us in such dire financial circumstances, and for keeping it from me for so long. I could have helped, and curbed much spending if I had known the truth of what was going on. That was more than 3 years ago & although it has not been an easy journey, we are now less than a month from the 60 day mark. The end is in sight and our relationship is in tact.

As everyone else said, once I got my head around it, was able to think logically and get over the initial panic, I decided the only thing to do was to close ranks and face it together. Give her a little time, but absolutely don't give up! There is light at the end of the tunnel and your wife needs to know that too.

Great you are sharing your side of his dilemma. May I ask: Did you note that the monies enhanced your over all household? If the monies were used to gamble or 'play around' I could see some real problems. However if he just (both him and your DH) attempted to live higher than he could realize that he could not sustain, until it went out of control, that is a very human error.

Our foolishness was being sucked into a pizzing match with another millionaire who bled us into serial law suits and three law firms and four lawyers. It could have been stopped if I "licked his boots", but for nine years we prevailed. Lost our fortune, but have to agree with a comment above, it is only money and trust me when I say, we are happier now than when we had money to burn. A whole different value system was generated. I don't believe I would have changed a thing, now, looking back. 'Hub

[Pandora]

Just catching up on the weekends posts and saw this one.

To the OP: Please know that we are here to listen, as are the many outreach programs available free of charge. Your wife will "get over" all of this....trust me - and remember that family is more important than debts owed; BK is not the end of the world and you need to know that.

Hang in there... it will get better!

[Justdonewit]

Hub, there were many factors that caused my DH's spending to be out of control: an angry ex wife, our marriage, the birth of our our children, the cost of our home & the addition we put on it, and then the collapse of the real estate market. Most recently it was a massive paycut. None of the causes were so he could buy "toys", or just throw money away on addictions. Did we both spend more than we should have? Absolutely. Should I maybe have seen what was going on? Absolutely. I had my own distractions (having babies) at the time, but I am not blameless. I am smart enough that I should have questioned our expenditures way before he had to spill his guts.

[IamOld]

Right - in my humble experience even the spouse not involved in the finances too much at least senses what is going on...in my case, I kept saying we don't have the $$ we don't have the $$, then came up with something by robbing not only Peter and Paul, but Mary as well. In my darker hours I have said that I was basically crying out for help...but I should have said something and I didn't, which is my fault.

BUT like you said, the OP didn't buy a jetski - he was trying to make sure his family had what they needed and wanted. So I think his wife will listen, and eventually forgive - and I say NOT forget, because I do tell my spouse all the time, that I cannot be trusted with credit - I don't want spouse to "forget" as we cannot EVER be in the same is situation again.

BUT BUT BUT he needs to go home - kids need him...wife needs him. Being alone is...horrible in this instance.

Hub, there were many factors that caused my DH's spending to be out of control: an angry ex wife, our marriage, the birth of our our children, the cost of our home & the addition we put on it, and then the collapse of the real estate market. Most recently it was a massive paycut. None of the causes were so he could buy "toys", or just throw money away on addictions. Did we both spend more than we should have? Absolutely. Should I maybe have seen what was going on? Absolutely. I had my own distractions (having babies) at the time, but I am not blameless. I am smart enough that I should have questioned our expenditures way before he had to spill his guts.

[Justdonewit]

I agree with you IamOld.

Blackgoose, definately go home. Whether she likes it or not, your wife is involved in this, and whatever you do next will effect her just as much as it will you.

[pathfinders]

Blackgoose hang in there

[AngelinaCatHub]

Hub, there were many factors that caused my DH's spending to be out of control: an angry ex wife, our marriage, the birth of our our children, the cost of our home & the addition we put on it, and then the collapse of the real estate market. Most recently it was a massive paycut. None of the causes were so he could buy "toys", or just throw money away on addictions. Did we both spend more than we should have? Absolutely. Should I maybe have seen what was going on? Absolutely. I had my own distractions (having babies) at the time, but I am not blameless. I am smart enough that I should have questioned our expenditures way before he had to spill his guts.

Thank you again for sharing your personal note. I do understand the preoccupation. The deal is: You most likely saw, but did not perceive as the "alligators' at your butt, takes second preference to your draining the swamp. IAO is right in the fact that I too was so used to just charging it as I could afford to pay off my 30K Master card in one lump check. You get accustom to bad habit and it is hard to break. I refuse any credit card. I use a debit and when the money is gone, the card fails to work.

I keep a "hidden" C note in my wallet for emergency reasons. It does not exist unless something dire happens.

We can all agree, looking back is 20/20 and we see our mistakes NOW, but this is good as long as we LEARN by them. A mistake is forgivable. A repeat is plainly stupid. I will never repeat my errors. We live with less, and love it more.

I sure hope our OP comes back with good news. As IAO stated, "do not give up" it is now a critical marriage miles stone (call it a mill stone if you wish).

Long ago my Mrs. while we were courting (an old fashion term for 'living together') told me, and I practice it daily, "a marriage has to be re-negotiated daily". She is right. 'Hub

[Blackgoose]

BK forum.... What the heck? I had no idea when joining this forum that I would be in the presence of rockstars. Thank you for all of your words and feelings. I made it 24 hours! It's amazing when you have no one to talk to (called crisis line. No joke dude said we don't handle financial crisis only suicide and hung up) what your mind will do. I cried out to my savior for the first time in years. I spent hours on my knees last night. Asking for help and strength.


I realize I'm on day 2 of a huge climb. But, I can and will do it.

My wife asked me to leave last night so for those wondering why I was at a hotel, there ya go. I have not heard from her and I can't control how she chooses to react to this. I'm extremely out of my head sorry for putting her through this.

With that said I CAN CONTROL. What my mind and body does from here. I will choose to not let this define me. I am greater then a bankruptcy. I will get my life back.

Thanks again you guys. Now it's study time.

"Beliefs have the power to create and the power to destroy. Human beings have the awesome ability to take any experience of their lives and create a meaning that disempowers them or one that can literally save their lives."