Can you remain discreet about your bankruptcy?

[tcreegan]

Hi all,

I've said it before, and I'll say it again; a BK is a business decision, numbers on paper. You should look at it as a decision that is in the best interest for your long-term financial position.

Looking at it from a purely financial point of view helps with the negative emotions. And in a BK, the only points you get are for honesty. No points for good intentions, no points for staying current on debts that are going to be discharged anyhow, no points lost for past mistakes, ....

As to who you tell, discuss business with whoever you would discuss your other finances with. If its not someone you would discuss your tax return w/ politely tell them that your business is none of their busines.

Hang in there folks, there are millions (literally) of us BK folks across the country...you're in good company!

Tom in Colo

btw, if you are worried about paying your bills to a cc company, call 'em up and ask for a low interest rate and to skip some payments b/c you are down and out. You will find out pretty quick what they think of you, after long years of paying your bills, never being late....

[helpme2010]

I am so grateful that this forum exists. I have been reading it like crazy for the past four days - I've probably spent at least 12-16 hours reading. I really appreciate all your expertise and I hope I can offer some of my own after I get through this process. I haven't really seen this question addressed (but I've probably only read about 100 of the 1000+ pages of the chapter 7 section LOL).

I know I am not alone in feeling very shameful and guilty about working towards a bankruptcy.

I would really prefer that my decision to file bankruptcy be kept between my husband, my attorney, creditors and obviously the court folks. Is this reasonable? I'm current on my cards so I don't get those kinds of calls?

The attorney's websites I looked at have said that it is a myth that everyone will find out about bankruptcy. Is that true?

Once you file - do you hear from anyone other than your attorney and the court system?

I had a similar thought process. I don't like my neighbors and can give a flying crap what any of them think of me, so this isn't a problem. I don't care about my reputation with the community as none of my neighbors or community are people that would help me if I needed help, so I soon dropped the care for any of them finding out.

I finally had to tell my parents as they kept pressing me about my job situation and stuff like that. I tell them to keep it private as I don't want the world finding out. My parents are actually really cool about the entire situation.

The hard part will be holidays when I visit family and you know how that is. My brother will have friends over and i'm sure the first question is what do you do for a living? My brother will probably ask about my job and house situation, etc. I am just going to say I don't want to discuss business during the holidays and I am there to enjoy family and fun.

As for anyone else that finds out, so what! Don't be ashamed, millions of people go through it, especially now during the recession. Nobody will think less of you. If anyone does pass judgment then the heck with them. Don't try to impress people, people will either like you or not, care about you or not, talk behind your back or not. Whether you are rich or poor, the same people will either respect you or not and it's really out of your control and it should be off your mind as well. Develop the who cares attitude. There is so much going on in peoples lives that our BK's are nothing more than a quick conversation piece before the next conversation or gossip subject comes up.

[tobee43]

Somewhere along the line, I heard the following thought and it seems appropriate here:

Those that matter won't care and those who do care don't matter...

i know you right about that...for me it was just we didn't want people to know our personal business....but your right on with that saying... it's the truth for certain.

[tobee43]

I had a similar thought process. I don't like my neighbors and can give a flying crap what any of them think of me, so this isn't a problem. I don't care about my reputation with the community as none of my neighbors or community are people that would help me if I needed help, so I soon dropped the care for any of them finding out.

I finally had to tell my parents as they kept pressing me about my job situation and stuff like that. I tell them to keep it private as I don't want the world finding out. My parents are actually really cool about the entire situation.

The hard part will be holidays when I visit family and you know how that is. My brother will have friends over and i'm sure the first question is what do you do for a living? My brother will probably ask about my job and house situation, etc. I am just going to say I don't want to discuss business during the holidays and I am there to enjoy family and fun.

As for anyone else that finds out, so what! Don't be ashamed, millions of people go through it, especially now during the recession. Nobody will think less of you. If anyone does pass judgment then the heck with them. Don't try to impress people, people will either like you or not, care about you or not, talk behind your back or not. Whether you are rich or poor, the same people will either respect you or not and it's really out of your control and it should be off your mind as well. Develop the who cares attitude. There is so much going on in peoples lives that our BK's are nothing more than a quick conversation piece before the next conversation or gossip subject comes up.

helpme...what did we live in the same neighbor hood...?? LOL!! we felt the same way about our neighbors...we had terrible neighbors and actually we were glad to leave the neighbor hood after 33 years since all the new people moving in were terrible, rude, etc.

i know there was a sense of shame, fear, all of it. but we kept our business private for a few reasons...and the main one is that we didn't and don't like burdening those we love with our troubles...i'm TRYING hard to get that "attitude"...i'm working on it!!!! i am.

as far as my community...well we left the state completely, so i can care less about them...it was the BEST thing we ever did!!

we did tell my parents...but they don't understand since they are in their 90's and very cute...and caring, but don't quite understand what it all means...but it did come up when we were all of a sudden after 40 years no longer working!! LOL!!! (now it's funny, at the time it wasn't...) but how do explain that one????

[kartoons19]

I chose to just tell two of my closest friends and that's it. Even though my brother and one of my sisters filed years ago, I decided not to tell them. Since they haven't been supportive (emotionally) as I've gone through hell the past few years, I didn't feel the need to tell them. As for the mail, there are hundreds of mailboxes in my complex, so if the mailman has time to read each envelope, so be it. I didn't make a point of telling, not because I'm ashamed but because many people don't understand and I don't feel the need to explain. Given the situation, I don't have any regrets. Someone mentioned a similar saying, but the saying I refer to is: those that mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind.

[Flamingo]

As to the responses that some folks received mail from the BK court and some did not, we received quarterly updates from the Trustee and copies of any and all orders, etc. even though our attorney was also sent a copy from the court. It probably boils down to the practice in your district by that Trustee. But we did get mail from the BK court for almost five years. Unless someone picks up or reads your mail, that should not be an issue.

[artgood]

Good word.

[BKDebby]

Don't you get mail from the Bankruptcy Court??? I live in a small town and everyone knows everyone else...so if I receive BK mailings then everyone will know.

The notice of my 341 meeting came in the mail from the Court. To tell you the truth, I almost tossed it, as I thought it was junk mail. That's the only mail so far.

[keystone58]

I am so grateful that this forum exists. I have been reading it like crazy for the past four days - I've probably spent at least 12-16 hours reading. I really appreciate all your expertise and I hope I can offer some of my own after I get through this process. I haven't really seen this question addressed (but I've probably only read about 100 of the 1000+ pages of the chapter 7 section LOL).

I know I am not alone in feeling very shameful and guilty about working towards a bankruptcy.

I would really prefer that my decision to file bankruptcy be kept between my husband, my attorney, creditors and obviously the court folks. Is this reasonable? I'm current on my cards so I don't get those kinds of calls?

The attorney's websites I looked at have said that it is a myth that everyone will find out about bankruptcy. Is that true?

Once you file - do you hear from anyone other than your attorney and the court system?

I know how you feel. We filed in Sept, had our 341 on Nov 4th and nobody other than my wife, attorney, and creditors know. If you keep it to yourself, nobody has to know.

[movian]

Thank you everyone for sharing your experiences. It does sound like you can remain discreet.

[BKlooker]

I posted a while ago my parent's reaction to me telling them...Long story short, it turned out to actually be FUNNY. My sister is a real hell raiser and has put my parents through just that over her lifespan, as much as I love her, so my little BK issue was so minute to them, they about laughed. My parents were nothing but supportive and said they were glad i nipped it early rather than waiting for it to spiral, and plus as other have said, given this economy/job market, the crappy housing market and never-ending foreclosure stream, and our seemingly ineffective/incompenet government, everyone is down and out. They told me they would do anything they could to help.

If you are in a small town, then the chances are a lot of them aren't making banknote dough and may be losing jobs, have health issues, etc. and be in the same boat (or worse), so who gives a frog's fat ass what they think? Business is business, and we all gotta survive. But likely, only your attorney and the courts will know in the end, and possibly your employers/future employers, depending on where you work and what you do...and even they have to keep that confidential.

[helpme2010]

helpme...what did we live in the same neighbor hood...?? LOL!! we felt the same way about our neighbors...we had terrible neighbors and actually we were glad to leave the neighbor hood after 33 years since all the new people moving in were terrible, rude, etc.

i know there was a sense of shame, fear, all of it. but we kept our business private for a few reasons...and the main one is that we didn't and don't like burdening those we love with our troubles...i'm TRYING hard to get that "attitude"...i'm working on it!!!! i am.

as far as my community...well we left the state completely, so i can care less about them...it was the BEST thing we ever did!!

we did tell my parents...but they don't understand since they are in their 90's and very cute...and caring, but don't quite understand what it all means...but it did come up when we were all of a sudden after 40 years no longer working!! LOL!!! (now it's funny, at the time it wasn't...) but how do explain that one????

ahahahh tobee that is so funny. No matter where you live and who you are, the experiences seem to be very similar. I have one really horrible neighbor, she starts trouble with everyone, she gets drunk and runs her mouth. I had to call the cops on her and change my number after she started calling my home and leaving bad messages. My other neighbor is quiet, but still a pain.

So I after owning a home for 20 years, this really helped motivate me to get out of dodge! BK will help me finally get out of this far away neighborhood and be able to rent a home that is close to my girlfriend, family, and available jobs (plus the basic city I grew up in which I miss). So I am looking at the positive of all this.

My neighbors across the street are also very very nosey, so when I back up the moving truck up my driveway, I will put a sheet from the garage to the truck to help block their view of what I am doing (my tree which I love will block the rest of their nosey eyes).

[oregonpilot]

I
a frog's fat ass wh.

Love it BKlooker
frogs fat ass hahahahaha

[dumpinmydebt]

OP - The only mail I received what from my Trustee, and no one would know what it was because it came from a law office. It didn't say BK court on it or anything.

No one knows about our BK except my hubby and I. No one. We don' talk about it to anyone because it's just none of their business. We're not ashamed. It's a learning experience and we are better people because of it. We have a lot to be thankful for.

[bkmystory]

In today's technology and ease of information the ability to remain private about public records is near impossible. There are free services out there that offer searches for bankruptcy and other information. Mail is not the only way. So don't think no one will find out. Just deal with it. Privacy is a thing of the past.