getting past the mental phase and feeling you let down your young children?

[professorkev]

As I sit here for a few months trying to pay bills and such and ponder doing BK over Settlements I look at the happy faces of my 2 & 5 year old and my heart feels heavy knowing I might do something that make me feel like I let down my kids. I ran up alot of debt, did CC transfers and invested and did well last year but a big downer this year. Luckily I have a wife who is successful in her career and I'll have to go back to sub teaching.

Luckily I kept all my debt away from her (not in her name) AnywaysI just feel a BIG BIG psychological drag on myself when I look at my innocent kids and knowing I'm about to do something so drastic. A Pile of bills on my desk and my lil girl comes running into the office not knowing that pile represents $175K worth of debts!

So sad!

[DEBTCHAINS]

Dude, I felt the same way. But, really, how are you letting down your kids? By wiping the slate clean and changing the way you spend, save, plan for the future? That was my thought process. My toddler will never know the crap we went through, but someday, I'll be able to put him in a private school, have a retirement fund, and be able to help him when he needs it. I would NEVER been able to do so if I didn't change the way I think about money, and had 100k in debt hanging over my head that I'd NEVER be able to pay off. We all make mistakes, have bad breaks,etc. Life's not a bowl of cherries, things happen. Deal with it, move forward.
Those feelings are natural, by the way. You'll get over it, I promise. What's done is done, don't dwell on it. Time for a change, move forward.

[Pandora]

awe man... I'm having an emotional enough day and I go and read your post I feel for you - we've all been there.

Here's the thing - first and foremost - you said it yourself, what keeps you going? The happy faces of your 2 and 5 year olds - so in that, know that by filing BK, you are not a failure by any imagination of the word - you are securing their future and are about to teach them the value of money and taking control of their own future by not repeating the mistakes their parents made. (gentle hugs).

Its hard to swallow initially, however remove the emotion from it and look at it as a business decision - and a new start to a great future for your entire family.

You'll get through it - it just takes time. In the meantime, when you start getting that "down" feeling - look into the faces of your children and smile - knowing you're about to set the path straight.

[annalynn]

I have gone through a lot of depression over my financial situation so I can relate.

But--I keep reassuring myself that I am still a good person--a BK doesn't mean that a person is stupid, or can't handle money or anything like that. It just means that we have fallen on hard times--which is happening very frequently in this economy.

Our founding fathers foresaw that this would happen to people and they provided for this from the very beginning.

We will get through it--and hopefully we will come out stronger and more compassionate toward other people going through struggles.

Try not to let the stress get in the way of enjoying life and loving your family. I know that it has gotten to me--and sometimes lately I have shut myself off from the people who I love because I am so worried about other things. I am working on that.

Take care of yourself.

[professorkev]

Yeah I know the feeling are natural and kids will be happier with the burden released from me and thus being more free to spend time with kids rather than typing on this board :o).

I know, take the emotion out, it's a business decision. Not like the banks give a shit. I'm thankful many of them do 0% hardship. Pissed that NAVY and Bank atlantic are being pricks!

Just not the way I planned things and forces out of my control (in a way) made things worse! UGH!

[ccsjoe]

How exactly are you letting down your kids? I have a 4 year old, well, almost 5, who starts Kinder next week. She is my life and I am doing this to pave a better future for her! I'm not letting her down, I'm propping her up. Don't let the emotions get you down, think about the solutions and outcomes.

[professorkev]

Wow Joe, your about ready to file? I'll have to keep track of you! I guess I'm not really letting them down, thats already been done. seriously I think the "letting them down" part comes from losing some fun time over the summer because I fretted about this damn BK and constantly worry how to pay for the next bill and whats going to happen in 2 months or further down the road.

[drowning123]

I'm a single mom. Letting down my only son is telling him "Mommy doesn't have any money, so you can't get that book, toys, pair of shoes, etc." BK will allow me not to utter those words anymore. I filed last Friday 8/19. Honestly, I felt disappointed in myself for not handling my money better. I'm not unemployed. I just spent money foolishly over the years and it finally caught up with me. I also have elderly (not nursing home elderly) parents who I take care of. They didn't prepare for their future whatsover and I don't want the same crap happening to me. I need to stop feeling guilty, as if it's my responsibility to take care of them. If I wish to go on a vacation with just me and my son, I'll do it. BK has opened up my eyes so much. So much has been put into perspective.

[ccsjoe]

Professor, allow me to school you (had to day that...lol).

Put things in perspective and prioritize. Your kids, they are resilient. You, the adults, are not so much. Kids are much more adaptable. Now, why exactly is it that you're compromising time with them fretting over paying bills? What happens when you can't pay bills? What happens when you have to choose?

What I'm driving at is nothing is more important than family, choose family now. Bills can wait an extra hour. So you've let yourself down and compromised time with kids. Nothing you can't fix.

Funny anecdote, my 4-year old was involved when my wife and I were going over the petition draft line items. She was in charge of the highlighter and had to mark items my wife and I needed to have the attorney correct or had questions on. Sure, it took us 4 hours instead of 2 to go through the petition, but she was part of it. Get the hint?

You'll be ok, just prioritize prof!

[2bdebtfree]

Hi,

I needed to respond here because I feel exactly the same way. My kids are 15. I feel like I let them down and my debt has consumed me to where I obsess over that fact I am going to be filing sometime in the near future. Reading here has helped me tremendously and I am not as distraught as when I first thought about bankruptcy. I still feel like I let them down but if I don't file this year than I see myself drowning even more and debt as time passes and get even more depressed. I want to be able to go to the mall with my daughter and teach her about sales and coupons and have cash to pay rather a credit card and wonder in the back of my mind how I'm going to pay for it. I'm looking forward to cash only. I feel now once this is over I can stop being that obsessive person worrying about money.

I'm able to keep my house and car and am able to pay for everyday expenses with my pay and have extra money each month. Now, hopefully soon, I'll be able to have 100% attention on my kids instead money situation.

I'll have to keep coming back to this thread and remember that my kids are way more important than my debt.

Thank you all and Good Luck Proffessor

[drowning123]

Don't feel guilty prof. You have the opportunity to make things right and you're taking a step in the right direction. I felt such a weight lifted off my shoulders when I made the decision to file. After filing, the weight got even lighter. Now, I'm floating. I'm so happy and I haven't even had my 341 meeting yet. I don't snap as much at my son. We went school shopping and I got him everything on his list all at once. I didn't steal any erasers and pencils from work this time. LOL. I'm Jamaican, and in Bob Marley's words, "Don't you worry about a thing. Cuz every little thing is gonna be alright." Keep your chin up. It's a blessing when you can give more to your kids and that's what BK will allow you to do. They don't have a clue what's going on and never will. It's your behavior that affects them, not the bills that you have to pay. They see you and interact with you - not the bills. So take care of your family in any way you can.

[mommi2many]

Wow, now I'm going to cry! Everyone on this board has such a big heart. You all are such caring helpful people and that is just so rare these days. I am proud to be a member.

I have not filed yet, but will be doing so in the next couple of weeks. I used to feel distraught over my decision until I found this board. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I can see it.

Professor, everything will be alright!

[clearslate]

This is a good thread. I think it’s important to discuss our feelings of disappointment. I’m a parent too. I felt the same as the Professor but am slowly coming to terms with this mess. So Prof, just know that what you are feeling is normal and will eventually subside. I am also a teacher and feel for you.

But here’s another thought EVERYBODY: granted, we need to take accountability for our situation, but let’s not forget the big banks and CC companies that gave out money like it was a natural resource. My bank over-valued my home and gave me money without even verifying income. My house sold at a $200K loss. And those CC companies…that’s a whole other disaster.

My hope is that after I’m discharged and on my way to credit recovery, I’d like to start lobbying for an action that would allow for some sort of forgiveness for those of us who are victims to this financial debacle that our country is still in –with job losses, short sales, foreclosures, etc.
(I’m not politically inclined so what I just said may not make sense

[ccsjoe]

clearslate, it is a tough subject because I agree with you partially and disagree with you partially as well. In addition, I don't think there is going to be a way to discuss this without being politically charged, lol. I know that banks etc. were out of whack in lending money like it was going out of style, but we also took that money knowing our prop was overvalued or knowing we didn't pass muster if they had done income verification, etc. So I'm on the fence. Overall, I think I'm ok with BK being my outcome, I don't think I deserve debt forgiveness per se. I don't think I'm ok with big banks coming out squeaky clean; perhaps some class action litigation tied to further regualtion leading to a nice settlement for all of us? But I can't argue further without getting all political on you!!LOL

[Beachlover2]

We all know exactly how you feel. I was there also my kids are 6 and 10. What they don't know won't hurt and the main focus is providing for them. We never expected to have filed either, with losing a job last year and taking a lower paying job, there is only so much to go around as well having enough to live on, gas to get to work, food, etc. Your feelings of let down should fade when you take the first step.