So we're filing on August 3rd and I'm getting a divorce now too

[lolasaurus]

Divorce then BK or BK then divorce?

It's pretty civil, she says she'll do it whatever way screws me least, thankfully.

Factors:
* I make more than median by quite a bit and am waiting till Aug 3 to file to ensure that I pass the means test
* I assume that losing the dependents in the home will make it difficult to file CH7 and may push me into ch13, but when I start thinking about it I am unsure that this is true since I'll probably have to pay child support and maybe alimony (good work trying to bust ass to let her be a stay at home mom and all that so she can screw around on me right?)
* Our attorney has already been paid
* Everything was planned out very well till I discovered this and if we do BK first she will cooperate - or so she says for now

I don't know what else to throw out here in the first post so if there are other factors that I haven't thought to bring up let's hear the questions.

[pcn]

Sorry to hear that. I've been there too. No great words of wisdom to offer. Many friends pointed out that it really does someday get better. One "helpfully" told me that at least with a death there is closure. I remember responding 'Hhere too, as long as they dont find the body'.

[lolasaurus]

Sorry to hear that. I've been there too. No great words of wisdom to offer. Many friends pointed out that it really does someday get better. One "helpfully" told me that at least with a death there is closure. I remember responding 'Hhere too, as long as they dont find the body'.

lol

[AngelinaCatHub]

My opinion only: I would do the bk first, change nothing, get past 341 and the divorce will take at least 60 days I'm sure. Even a "no fault" divorce takes 30 minimum. (Here in FL).

Your soon to be "ex" probably has a "friend". I surmise this because of life experience and that is why she is cooperative. I would certainly use that (if true) to your benefit and explain to her that you too will help her out in both your "new start" in life. Keep it as friendly and least expensive as well.

I know of people who have divorced and became best friends even with the new spouses. The important thing is, you now have two items of extreme stress. Make both items as smooth as possible. 'Hub

[bulletproof77]

I too, have been going through a divorce, a foreclosure and a Chapter 7 BK..all in the same year. I feel for you. I know that all the trite sayings of "it will be better someday" aren't much help..I just wish to forget the entire year of 2009. For what it's worth, we did the divorce filing, filed BK and the court awarded her the house which is now 8 months behind on payments. My ex-wife is riding the "free rent gravy train"....all the while telling ME to "move on"..guess we know who hasn't "moved on"....Just try and get up and live each day and not be too angry, that's the best I can give..(oh and my ex-wife did the whole office affair thing too...-been there, had that done to me)

[OhioFiler]

I too, have been going through a divorce, a foreclosure and a Chapter 7 BK..all in the same year. I feel for you. I know that all the trite sayings of "it will be better someday" aren't much help..I just wish to forget the entire year of 2009. For what it's worth, we did the divorce filing, filed BK and the court awarded her the house which is now 8 months behind on payments. My ex-wife is riding the "free rent gravy train"....all the while telling ME to "move on"..guess we know who hasn't "moved on"....Just try and get up and live each day and not be too angry, that's the best I can give..(oh and my ex-wife did the whole office affair thing too...-been there, had that done to me)

Consider counseling. You are dealing with three tough issues each requiring a grieving period.

Her infidelity is in the past. Don't fixate on it. It may feel like you were unable to keep her happy but the truth is most office affairs are the result of some flaw in her existence not something you contributed ti in any way. It's best to consider yourself lucky to be rid of the harlot.

[LuciluS]

Was it decided that it would only be You to file Bankruptcy? Does she have any credit cards? If she hasn't moved out with the children, then they are your dependents on 8/3/09. If she doesn't work, I'd make dang sure I got all the credit cards from her.

You are entitled to a free yearly credit report from the 3 credit bureaus. I would run one to see which accounts she is a authorized user of.

I've been down the road of Divorce, but it was my choosing as my Ex was an alcoholic.

Good Luck!

[lolasaurus]

she took the kiddo, which is my only regret.

But we're not legally separated, she says she'll cooperate etc during the filing.

[lolasaurus]

My opinion only: I would do the bk first, change nothing, get past 341 and the divorce will take at least 60 days I'm sure. Even a "no fault" divorce takes 30 minimum. (Here in FL).

Your soon to be "ex" probably has a "friend". I surmise this because of life experience and that is why she is cooperative. I would certainly use that (if true) to your benefit and explain to her that you too will help her out in both your "new start" in life. Keep it as friendly and least expensive as well.

I know of people who have divorced and became best friends even with the new spouses. The important thing is, you now have two items of extreme stress. Make both items as smooth as possible. 'Hub

Oh I know she has a "friend"... she's living with him and her now.

[bulletproof77]

I am in post divorce therapy...between that and being a "Disneyland Dad" to my kids, life is just grand..Thank God for Xanax..I love knowing that my child support pays for her "new and improved " lifestyle. My shrink says to take the proverbial "high road"..but it's not his life that has been wrecked..oh well, sorry to rant..

[OhioFiler]

I am in post divorce therapy...between that and being a "Disneyland Dad" to my kids, life is just grand..Thank God for Xanax..I love knowing that my child support pays for her "new and improved " lifestyle. My shrink says to take the proverbial "high road"..but it's not his life that has been wrecked..oh well, sorry to rant..

I was once where you are. I can assure you it will get better. the sooner you "take the high road" the sooner it will begin to get better.

[iam40]

I'm living the same nightmare and have the same questions....

My husband and I separated just 2 weeks ago. Prior to the separation we were preparing for Bankruptcy and including our home. He cheated, I found out, he swore to work on the marriage, signed a 2 year lease with me so he could prove his intention to work on the marriage. That was of course all a lie and he is still hanging with the 20 something married hoochy mama. So here's my question, if I file bankruptcy first and we are not yet divorced, can we include the cost of 2 households so we will qualify for a chapter 7? 2009 has been the worst year of my entire life. Bankruptcy, losing our home, husband completely losing it, and having to deal with this and remain sane for our our 2 young daughters. FUN STUFF!!!

[bulletproof77]

What my attorney advised me was as far as the BK (and I live in California-it may be different where you reside) it makes no difference to the Federal Court as to whether you divorce during the BK proceedings.. As to the households, I think it may just be more ammunition to meet the means test for a Chapter 7. Protect yourself and your kids. I'm finding out VERY rapidly that even a so called amicable divorce turns bad very quickly..Good luck...your in for quite a ride.

[lrprn]

Whether filing the bk first or getting the divorce first depends on the personal finances and assets of both husband and wife, and also which state they are living in. There's no one right answer here.

Bankruptcy and divorce often do not always play well together, so you really need expert advice from both divorce and bk lawyers to know which option (divorce first or bk first) is going to work best for you.

I'm very sorry to hear about all your marital troubles. The advice you've gotten so far about moving on as quickly as possible and not dwelling on the past is sound. Vent here any time it helps. It looks like you have plenty of company here who have been in your sad situation before and survived it. Hang in there.

[Rick9972]

I'm finding out VERY rapidly that even a so called amicable divorce turns bad very quickly..Good luck...your in for quite a ride.

I will tell you from many years of experience, "WHEN EMOTIONS AND MONEY ARE INVOLVED, THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS AMICABLE PROCEEDING."

Keep telling your significant other that everything will be amicable, and proceed with trying to plant the knife in his/her back as deeply as you can stick it. If you are really lucky, he/she will believe you until such a time as it is too late to fix the damage.