Forced to go bankrupt

[FreshLikeADaisy]

What's a "Lifetime Channel"? Does it carry any sports programs? If not, I don't think I get it on my TV. I guess I will just have to get my TRUE stories from the bkforum. Really - it doesn't get more true than it does here, wouldn't you agree?

Sorry I missed your post earlier; I agree!!!

FWIW, the Lifetime Channel is basically a channel where it's all chick flicks, 24/7. A lot of them are based on true stories, with plot lines like, "I went out with this guy that I didn't know was a tuberculous gay IV drug abuser, and then I came up HIV positive which I didn't understand, so I looked into his history and he has six wives already, including my sister and mother, so it turns out he's my grandfather AND my father. The doctors tell me that might explain why my child was born with two noses and one eye, something about recessive genes and whatnot, but we have him in a program for special children now so life is looking up. But the D.A. in charge of the case is married to the mob and my ex stole some money from them, and they are coming after me for it now, but because I had *no choice* but to turn tricks to survive I'm hoping they'll let me off with time served even though one of my johns was running for governor at the time, and so the feds are trying to get me released into Witness Protection in return for my testimony... if I live long enough."

Yeah. *sigh* My mother watches that channel, and I am forever hearing bloody screams, moans, and all manner of bizarrity coming from her room... it's like the National Enquirer on tv. It's not bad entertainment, it's just, well, more drama than I can personally take at this time in my life.

(See, Angie! It COULD be worse!!!! )

[FreshLikeADaisy]

Southernbelle, it's not too late!!!

I'm glad you spoke up. The worst thing that these a**holes do is leave the ex with a ton of guilt and "should haves", because it's only after the facade cracks that you get an opportunity to see all the red flags and you end up feeling like an idiot, like it's your fault. That, and someone like this generally isolates you as a part of his game (like you mentioned) and keeps trying to make you think there's hope for the relationship, guilted into believing you just don't trust enough or love enough, so you come out of it with a tremendous amount of emotional baggage... and then there's always the Greek chorus singing, "You should have known!!" even if it's only in your head. They play on every single insecurity you ever had, any shred of compassion or pity they can extract, any buttons you may have. It's utterly evil. I can't help but think it will be healing for Angie to read that she is by NO means alone. I'm glad you spoke up!!!

See, it's not too late!

[justplaintired]

I had Platinum and Gold cards with GREAT interest rates on them. When I file for Chapter 7, I had to list them so they go bye bye. I will have to start over. I had excellent credit, but all of that is gone now. You can't pick and choose and I doubt the credit cards you want to keep will want to deal with you after they see that bankruptcy notice (if you file).

Another thing about filing the divorce. As justplaintired said, just because you get a divorce decree that says he is responsible to pay, doesn't mean he will and if he doesn't they WILL come after you. I knew that when I filed and just filed for the divorce without asking him for anything except my maiden name back. That way, I could get the divorce quicker and file my BK before too long. He's such a con artist and a major league "donkey" that he would have NEVER agreed to paying anything and would have dragged the divorce on forever. He's so slick, he would have continuously changed jobs or moved to keep under the radar, so putting that in the divorce settlement would have been pointless. I know him too well.

What I plan to do instead is to file BK and hope all goes well when I get discharged, they can't come after me anymore and will look for him. Well I say good luck, but if even one creditor catches up to him, I'll be satisfied.

I knew my ex for 2 years before I married him, and we were married for 9 years after that. No matter how long you know someone, you might not even know them at all.

And the lawyer thing, it might be a good idea to get a reference from a friend or the state board. Short of calling around from the phone book, you can't know for sure. My atty. seemed like gold until I paid her. I'm still waiting for a final bill from her because she owes me money and ignores my letters requesting a final bill. I might file a complaint with the state board because we're talking about $400-$500. You never know about them. I hate lawyers, but occasionally you need them.

I knew my ex for 2 yrs and was married for almost 10 yrs, missed it by only 1 month of hitting the 10 yr mark. Anyway, he did exactly as you said, moved around, quit jobs...., and we had a child together. He didn't pay support....., so our divorce decree meant nothing, he simply got by with being a deadbeat. Our divorce decree was simply a piece of paper. Without funds to go after a deadbeat, you're simply out of luck. So please don't believe for a second that you will get all this in writing, legal writing and he will have to pay, because it won't matter, those creditors will come after you, especially if you are the one with the good job and stable life style.

[woohoogirl]

Southernbelle, it's not too late!!!

I'm glad you spoke up. The worst thing that these a**holes do is leave the ex with a ton of guilt and "should haves", because it's only after the facade cracks that you get an opportunity to see all the red flags and you end up feeling like an idiot, like it's your fault. That, and someone like this generally isolates you as a part of his game (like you mentioned) and keeps trying to make you think there's hope for the relationship, guilted into believing you just don't trust enough or love enough, so you come out of it with a tremendous amount of emotional baggage... and then there's always the Greek chorus singing, "You should have known!!" even if it's only in your head. They play on every single insecurity you ever had, any shred of compassion or pity they can extract, any buttons you may have. It's utterly evil. I can't help but think it will be healing for Angie to read that she is by NO means alone. I'm glad you spoke up!!!

See, it's not too late!

Amen sister!!!!! Been there, done that, and in the recovery process...life is sure better on this side of hell

[Angie]

The worst thing that these a**holes do is leave the ex with a ton of guilt and "should haves", because it's only after the facade cracks that you get an opportunity to see all the red flags and you end up feeling like an idiot, like it's your fault. That, and someone like this generally isolates you as a part of his game (like you mentioned) and keeps trying to make you think there's hope for the relationship, guilted into believing you just don't trust enough or love enough, so you come out of it with a tremendous amount of emotional baggage... and then there's always the Greek chorus singing, "You should have known!!" even if it's only in your head. They play on every single insecurity you ever had, any shred of compassion or pity they can extract, any buttons you may have. It's utterly evil. I can't help but think it will be healing for Angie to read that she is by NO means alone. I'm glad you spoke up!!!

Wow, do you know me? That just made me cry b/c it's exacly how I am feeling right this very moment and yes, it IS healing to know that I am not alone, but at the same time sad b/c I truly don't wish this on anyone else. It sooooooooo sucks!

Thanks so much... *hug icon*
Angie

[southernbelle]

Amen sister!!!!! Been there, done that, and in the recovery process...life is sure better on this side of hell

AMEN AGAIN!!!!

[southernbelle]

Wow, do you know me? That just made me cry b/c it's exacly how I am feeling right this very moment and yes, it IS healing to know that I am not alone, but at the same time sad b/c I truly don't wish this on anyone else. It sooooooooo sucks!

Thanks so much... *hug icon*
Angie

Just keep your head up and remember it will get better. I'm trying to resolve the issues my ex created and my situation involves the IRS and my chapter 7 will do nothing to solve that mess and I will have to throw myself on their mercy and probably sell my house after bankruptcy just to keep them from garnishing or filing liens, so it could ALWAYS be worse.

[Angie]

Yes, I know. I so feel for you. I'm so sorry. There has to be something out there that one can do about these things? I'm rambling, but it is so mind boggling what I am reading and that most people simply can't do anything about them.

Like my X... he got so much cash out of these cards and it's like NO ONE is going to even ASK him what he did with it? That's just plain wrong! Seriously.

Angie

[woohoogirl]

The thing that makes me smile is knowing that what goes around comes around....I'm a firm believer of Karma. So when I start to feel emotional in any unhealthly way, I imagine that Mack truck running over his lazy a$$, or that his new bimbo comes home to him with cooties or worse. I also know that there is a special place in hell reserved for them.

[Angie]

Does anyone have any "comes around" stories? That would sure help.

Angie

[FreshLikeADaisy]

...or that his new bimbo comes home to him with cooties or worse...

Ha! That made me laugh!

[FreshLikeADaisy]

Wow, do you know me?

Sort of. I know you're yet another decent, honest, loving and compassionate person that got taken in by a sociopath. You are the exact sort of person they go for, because you love and you trust and you take care of them and take the blame for anything unpleasant that happens while they're living a lie with you.

See, you're a good person. He's not. You have a conscience. He does not. You are basically truthful. He is not. You believe in hard work and honest dealing and doing what you have to do to keep your accts straight with other people. He believes in finding the easiest path possible. You believe in taking the good with the bad, he believes in taking the good and leaving you with the bad.

Etcetera.

My basic point is that, while you may have made mistakes (we all do) so friggin' what. You are essentially a good person. He is essentially evil. What your life is right now is what good lives look like after evil has made its home in them. I don't want you blaming yourself, or wasting one more second listening to judgement, whether it comes from others or from yourself.

I want you to take this, learn from it (as I know you are and will continue to do ) and most especially, come to a place where you value yourself and your truth highly enough that you never gain settle for someone who only knows how to push your buttons, but has nothing real to contribute to your life. You've lived, and you've learned, so now go forward with your wisdom, make each day new and free, don't blame yourself for loving and trusting and having offered your best, just be damned careful about who you trust with your heart. And above all, learn to listen to your gut.

Angie, these bastards are all the same. Evil is mediocrity at its most banal. You're the special one, for being honest and compassionate and truthful and not living a lie. That's what good people do, and you're good people.

If you like to read and don't mind getting a book, there is one I'd like to recommend to you called "The Sociopath Next Door" by Martha Stout. Another one is "Without Conscience" by Robert Hare, though it's a more clinical/scientific sort of read. There are others, too; those are the ones I like.

But I think it will help you a great deal to understand what you just came out of. Whether it's nature or nurture, whether it's mental disease or spiritual wickedness, you just had your life trashed by a person without conscience, which is the definition of a sociopath. I personally found it very healing to understand the characteristics of these people, to understand the hooks and tactics they use, because it let me know I was NOT alone and that there was no reason I couldn't avoid them in the future, if I valued myself and my senses enough to trust my inner judgement on it. It also let me know that the worst threats to my wellbeing were not his lies, but my own, and that getting mired in bitterness and unforgiveness would destroy me. (They're great places to visit, don't get me wrong, just hellaciously expensive to live there. )

I think you're going to be just fine. And I will say something else: you may think I'm nuts (and I don't claim not to be ) but if you play your cards right, both you and Southernbelle may find that this ends up being one of the best things that happened to you. It's not evident yet; you're both still cleaning up the debris and trying to survive each day yet, and what I am saying may sound like a cruel joke. I assure you, it's not. Because when the time comes, if you avoid the pitfalls along the way, you will find that this has made you much stronger, much wiser, and -- most importantly -- content in your lives, able to find real happiness in whatever your circumstances, because your truth and your happiness now come from within. You won't be scared of lies because you will spot them very quickly, and you won't be scared of speaking your truth, because you won't give a damn whether a liar likes you or not. You will, in fact, become the kind of person we all aspire to be. You just gotta keep on being honest and being courageous, because imperceptibly, day by day, it WILL get better... until one day you're completely out of the hole, and realize, literally, it's all good.

[woohoogirl]

Does anyone have any "comes around" stories? That would sure help.

Angie

Not yet....I'm still looking for someone to drive that truck

[woohoogirl]

I want you to take this, learn from it (as I know you are and will continue to do ) and most especially, come to a place where you value yourself and your truth highly enough that you never gain settle for someone who only knows how to push your buttons, but has nothing real to contribute to your life. You've lived, and you've learned, so now go forward with your wisdom, make each day new and free, don't blame yourself for loving and trusting and having offered your best, just be damned careful about who you trust with your heart. And above all, learn to listen to your gut.

Angie, these bastards are all the same. Evil is mediocrity at its most banal. You're the special one, for being honest and compassionate and truthful and not living a lie. That's what good people do, and you're good people.

If you like to read and don't mind getting a book, there is one I'd like to recommend to you called "The Sociopath Next Door" by Martha Stout. Another one is "Without Conscience" by Robert Hare, though it's a more clinical/scientific sort of read. There are others, too; those are the ones I like.

But I think it will help you a great deal to understand what you just came out of. Whether it's nature or nurture, whether it's mental disease or spiritual wickedness, you just had your life trashed by a person without conscience, which is the definition of a sociopath. I personally found it very healing to understand the characteristics of these people, to understand the hooks and tactics they use, because it let me know I was NOT alone and that there was no reason I couldn't avoid them in the future, if I valued myself and my senses enough to trust my inner judgement on it. It also let me know that the worst threats to my wellbeing were not his lies, but my own, and that getting mired in bitterness and unforgiveness would destroy me. (They're great places to visit, don't get me wrong, just hellaciously expensive to live there. )

I think you're going to be just fine. And I will say something else: you may think I'm nuts (and I don't claim not to be ) but if you play your cards right, both you and Southernbelle may find that this ends up being one of the best things that happened to you. It's not evident yet; you're both still cleaning up the debris and trying to survive each day yet, and what I am saying may sound like a cruel joke. I assure you, it's not. Because when the time comes, if you avoid the pitfalls along the way, you will find that this has made you much stronger, much wiser, and -- most importantly -- content in your lives, able to find real happiness in whatever your circumstances, because your truth and your happiness now come from within. You won't be scared of lies because you will spot them very quickly, and you won't be scared of speaking your truth, because you won't give a damn whether a liar likes you or not. You will, in fact, become the kind of person we all aspire to be. You just gotta keep on being honest and being courageous, because imperceptibly, day by day, it WILL get better... until one day you're completely out of the hole, and realize, literally, it's all good.

I have to agreed whole heartedly with you! I let it (and him) effect my health, and I am paying for it.

[Angie]

Thank you so much for that, FreshLikeADaisy. I needed it today! Man, makes me wanna hug you. Thanks again. I agree... I know I will come out of this smiling at one point and I'll be right here to share it with you all.

Thank you so much...
Angie