need advice on how to tell the wife

[davie20001]

hello...i need some help!! the wife kinda knows what situation we are in, but has been avoiding the issue at all costs (literally)...we are at a point now that i cant pay our cc bills and i met with a bk lawyer yesterday who advised that chpt 7 is the only way to go. he is well respected in the industry, so i believe him.

my issue is how to tell the wife the extent of our situation without her leaving me and taking the kids. we are both at fault for our situation but i have done everything to avoid where we are now.

i need advice on how to sit down with her and explain that bk7 is the only way and we need to do this after the holidays, if not sooner.

help!!

thanks

[HRx]

hello...i need some help!! the wife kinda knows what situation we are in, but has been avoiding the issue at all costs (literally)...we are at a point now that i cant pay our cc bills and i met with a bk lawyer yesterday who advised that chpt 7 is the only way to go. he is well respected in the industry, so i believe him.

my issue is how to tell the wife the extent of our situation without her leaving me and taking the kids. we are both at fault for our situation but i have done everything to avoid where we are now.

i need advice on how to sit down with her and explain that bk7 is the only way and we need to do this after the holidays, if not sooner.

help!!

thanks

Hi and welcome!

I'll let some of the forums more experienced members chime in. Some important things you want to tell the wife is, bankruptcy isn't the end of the world, and that there's life after bankruptcy, more importantly, bankruptcy isn't something to be ashamed of!

Good Luck!

[BassBoy]

To be honest davie20001, a Chapter 7 is not as bad as you, or anyone else, may think. It's not the end of the world, and it's surely not the end of your future.

There are so many of us here who have felt the pressures and whoes of what you're feeling, so we all understand and simpithized with you.

The best way to tell our wife is to come out and say it. Don't beat around the bush. However, before you do sit down with her, do a little diligence and get the facts so you can point out the positives and the negatives to her. Being able to explain the good that can come from this may set her mind at ease and maybe make her realize that it's not the end of the world, and certainly, not the end of your marriage.

BTW, WELCOME TO THE FORUM!

[HRx]

Hell tell your wife to register with the forum too! :-) So she can read what it's really about herself.

[BassBoy]

Hell tell your wife to register with the forum too! :-) So she can read what it's really about herself.

Absolutely!

[BK'd-Betty]

I'd crunch some numbers so you have something on paper to show her. Sometimes, when you see it visually, the picture becomes crystal clear.

I am the one who approached my husband on the subject - and he wanted to bury his head in the sand, which he did for about 8 months. I kept reminding him and he kept saying we'd talk about it "later".

Finally I had to just pin him down and show it to him in black and white. We were at the Lawyer's office a week later.

She's a big girl - she'll find a way to deal with it. It's a 10 year plan either way you look at it - it'll take 10 years (or more) to pay it off if you use every single dime you have (unless you file a Ch 13), or you file a Chapter 7, become debt free and start rebuilding your lives - it will stay on your credit report for 10 years, but really, in the end, who cares? It's time to stop using credit anyway!

ETA: The hardest lesson I ever had to learn in my life was how to live within my means and not to use credit as an extension of my income - and it ain't easy learning life lessons at the age of 44!

Good luck!

[SinkingFast]

Hubby knew we were robbing Peter to pay Paul, but he didn't know how bad our finances really were. We were waiting every month for our house to sell. Every month, things got worse and worse.

I gathered all the CC bills, utilities, and all the other "monthly" bills together, with pay checks. There was a clear, "This is coming in and this is going out" picture. Hubby and I sat down and talked about the situation. Calmly. Quietly. Just us. There was no finger pointing. Just "this is where we are" and brain storming to figure out what to do.

I had already researched BK, found out about the Credit Counseling requirement of the New Law. We decided to let a professional give our finances a look and see what our options were. The Credit Counselor recommended seeking Legal Counsel. So that's what we did.

[BK'd-Betty]

I wish I hadn't been my husband's "enabler" as far as putting off the BK. We both take full responsibility for the debt, but if I had pinned him down and shown him the numbers 8 months earlier, we would have saved $1,000's of dollars in a wasted money & effort to keep things going.

I guess we're both responsible for that too!

[whatamess]

been there

Let me say that I was TERRIFIED to tell my husband that this was our only hope to ever regain some sort of control in our lives.
I wrote down all the figures: how long it would be to payoff, how payoff was impossible w/our income, and even made a point to sit down and talk over BOTH of our spending habits. Most important is both of you accept equal blame.
My husband was angry and intolerable for a few days. However, both of us realized that it was indeed a 50/50 problem, and that it was one we could solve. NOT the end of the world.
You could tell her if she starts wanting to leave you what in the world that would do to solve the situation? It would only make everything 100 times worse and put both of you in a endless financial bind. One or both would still end up in BR court and both credit scores would be down the tubes if your accounts are joint. BR solves many things,however a divorce solves almost nothing.
Be honest and you will be okay!
Best wishes to you!!!
WAM

[miss puff]

Welcome! It's hard to be the bearer of bad news. But... bankruptcy is not the end of the world and chances are she is already feeling the stress of struggling financially, living paycheck to paycheck and never having enough money to go around. If you don't know facts about BK it seems very dirty, shameful and you might think you have a stigma of "loser" attached to you. That's what i thought. Then I found this forum and realized that people have done it, lived through it and came out the better for it. Bankruptcy was the best thing I ever did financially. I did it 3 months ago and I am not stressing about Christmas, making ends meet and wondering how I would pay for an emergency. And really, unless someone is going through it or is nosey, nobody will know.

Like others have said, sit her down write out the numbers-if she thinks she can do better with the bills, let her have a go at it. Chances are after a couple of months she will come to the same conclusion as you. And like Hrx said, direct her here for answers, support and advice.

Good luck and keep us posted on how "the talk" goes. Honestly, I can't see someone leaving someone for debt-unless it was drug or addiction related. Even then, I could understand someone leaving, just wouldn't agree with it necessarily.

[miss puff]

ETA: The hardest lesson I ever had to learn in my life was how to live within my means and not to use credit as an extension of my income - and it ain't easy learning life lessons at the age of 44!

Good luck!

Well said bk'd betty. It's not too easy at 34 either when you relied on plastic for everything. But... I am getting pretty good at figuring out what I need verses what I think I need and saying NO to some of the things I want. Like a new duvet from Anthropologie.... OMG---let's just say it's a good thing I CAN'T get credit right now...

[ConfusedinMN]

I'm in the same position Davie - even though I just got married 6 months ago, I have been with my wife for 5 years. I've had financial troubles all along, but we've never discussed "how bad" it really is. Now I am going to file for bankruptcy (should have a long time ago, but didn't want to admit to her or myself that I "failed".)

I wanted to tell her last night, but she was in such a good mood when she got home that I didn't want to ruin it.

I made a plan to tell her tonight, and hopefully I don't chicken out again. It's not like it will just go away.

Plus, our spouses love us or they wouldn't have married us in the first place. They, more than anyone, should love us for who we are, and realize that we're not really bad people or losers, just someone who had something bad happen to them and needs a fresh start. A fresh start on a new, unsecured debt-free life with your spouse.

[niteflytes]

Lots of good advice already. I'm going to add that if she does get upset and emotional remember to give her some space and time to cool off. Good luck!

[miss puff]

Best of luck to you both Davie and Confused. I hope your wives are both understanding and supportive in the end. You are in my thoughts.

[BK'd-Betty]

Oh boy MissPuff, I can relate to that - I've gone so far to the opposite side of things that I question every single penny I spend - I ask myself "is this item necessary to sustain life" - if the answer is no I don't buy it.

We eat outside our home maybe once a month (and I suffer terrible guilt over it). Last week, I finally allowed myself to spend $4 on a tube of mascara & $8 on Loreal Excellence Creme to cover my now showing full head of REALLY grey hair - first $$$ I spent on myself in over a year. (I used to spend $21 on Estee Lauder mascara and $85 getting my hair colored at a Salon - those days are OVA! )

I'm 44, DH is 52, we literally have just enough years to recover from this before retirement - it ain't gonna be a easy road.

Well said bk'd betty. It's not too easy at 34 either when you relied on plastic for everything. But... I am getting pretty good at figuring out what I need verses what I think I need and saying NO to some of the things I want. Like a new duvet from Anthropologie.... OMG---let's just say it's a good thing I CAN'T get credit right now...