He hid Ch 13 from me

[duffaluffagus]

Hey Everyone,

I realize that this is NOT a love advice board, but I don't know where to go. I am too upset and embarrassed to tell friends or family about my b/f dilemma.

We are both in our young thirties, never married, no children. I have been seeing him over one year and noticed that he has financial problems. He is always broke, his phone rang off the wall (he attributed it to Telemarketers, not collections), he admitted SOME credit card debt. He told me on Oct 2004 that he was going to see a lawyer to "eliminate his cc debt". I asked him point blank, if he was filing for BK, he swore he wasn't. We talk about a future and getting married someday- but not until he is back on his feet. I feel I should know his financial status, since we talk about a future. He claimed to be honest.

To make my LONG story shorter, I came accross a letter in his desk from a BK Lawyer stating that he got the BK proccess started, I saw a huge stack of unpaid bills from a few years, I saw a lien on his house, and a letter that he owed the IRS money that he never paid ($453.00). I was furious that he never told me that he was filing after he swore he wasn't. He claims that it is none of my business, and that he wanted to clear it up behind my back.

I know that this is a Bankruptcy empathiser board, but in your opinion, from your experience- should I run?

[HRx]

I'm not going to offer you any suggestions on whether you should stay with him or leave him. However, it's unquestionable better that he's addressing his finanicial matters while you two aren't married. The word bankruptcy can create a lot of shame, and embarrassment for those who opted use it as a last resort - hence, his keeping it a "secret" from you. You may want to consider having an intimate dialouge with him about what your/his past and present views are like toward money and credit to get a better idea whether the two of you will be financially compatible with one another.

Good Luck!

[Joanne2912]

I can understand why you're upset. He should have been upfront with you given the fact that you guys are talking about a future together. From personal experience, I can tell you that desperate people do very stupid things. This is one of them. You have to ask yourself, if what he did out weights his good points (does he cheat on you, is he an overall good person, etc...). This is a matter of evaluating your present relationship with him. Is this relationship worth saving? I'm not an expert in bankruptcy, but I'm sure that the filing will definately affect his credit and yours as well, if you end up marrying him and try to get credit together. I would consult an attorney or a credit counselor and confirm exactly how this would affect you in the event that you decide to marry him. Again, thoroughly evaluate your relationship with this man and then make your decision; walk away or grin and bare it. Lots of luck!

[Maxed33]

How do you"come across a letter" in someones desk?
If he thought you needed to know about his personal business he would have told you.
I would not be surprised if he kicks you to the curb and sends ya packing, I would.
Take care of your finances and lets him take care of his.
MAxed33

[Juicy]

I too was embarrassed and afraid to tell my wife about my chapter 13. But I had to. I had no where to go. believe me, i tried everything but couldn't get ahead. it really was a last resort. look at it this way: it gives him a fresh start. if he doesn't straighten out after the bankruptcy, then maybe you should reconsider your options with him.

[cpginvegas]

Came accross in his desk???

I think you have much bigger issues than his filing for bankruptcy "behind your back." I do not think that you have any trust or faith in your relationship. If someone's filing bankruptcy is a reason not to have a future with you, I think that person should not walk, but run from you. I do believe that before marriage you have a right to know what values the other person has but I also think that you have to know if the other person is going to abandon you if they "affect your credit." I destroyed our credit after having immaculate credit rating for over thirty years. I had a gambling problem. I am just thankful that my husband loved me enough to realize that I had a problem and that the shame we feel is quite enough without lectures from those who"love"us. I got help and my husband is my biggest supporter. I read posts like yours and I am more and more thankful that I have the partner I have.

[FloridaGirl]

I must agree with you, wholeheartedly, cpginvegas! I was going to post a similar response to what you said. It seems apparent that he is embarrassed and afraid she will leave him if she knew the truth. And I wonder why he feels that way. If she is giving us the impression that she is considering heading for the hills, imagine how he feels.

[Lightning]

The fact that your boyfriend filed for bankruptcy is something to consider, but you also need to consider that he looked you in the face and lied about a major life event. What if you had asked him if he still had a job, and he lied about that? Or what if he had children with other women?

You only have a year invested in this, and you didn't marry him. Seriously think about you, your future, and how the relationship fits in.

[FloridaGirl]

^^^This is her boyfriend...not her husband. Their financial affairs are still separate until they move in together and begin sharing the bills, or until they get married. What he does is his business and his financial affairs should only be her business when she stands to lose something. Right now, she doesn't stand to lose a thing. I think his filing BK now shows that he wants to have a free and clear future with her. He is trying to take care of his debt now, before he takes the next step in the relationship. She ought to be looking at this a different way than she is. Maybe he didn't tell her what was going on, but maybe she should ask herself why he felt he couldn't trust her with that kind of information. Maybe she gave him the impression that she would take off if she thought he was in debt and thinking of BK. Maybe, just maybe, he didn't feel like she would be very understanding of his situation which is the reason he did it without telling her. And maybe, just maybe, he felt it was none of her darn business anyway! And let's just be honest...unless you are helping someone pay their bills, and unless you stand to be financially injured by a person filing BK, it really isn't any of your business. If they choose to make it your business, that's fine. But for whatever reason, he didn't want her to know. Does this mean he will keep secrets from her from here on out? Not necessarily. It just seems to me that he didn't want to drag a bunch of debt into a new marriage. He was trying to do a good thing and I feel bad for him that she isn't more understanding.

[cpginvegas]

Love and Commitment

Florida girl, I am with you!!! I do not know what got him into the position he is in and that may be an area that they need to discuss before moving ahead with any relationship. For myself, I hid my gambling problem from my husband not because I was afraid that he would leave me but because I was so ashamed of what I had done and I thought if I kept on gambling I could win the money back (not too bright, to be sure). But when I finally knew that I couldn't avoid the bankruptcy, I told him and I told him that I would not blame him if he did leave me because what I did was devestating to us financially and I was 100% to blame. His response was " We have survived everything else that has come our way and this too we shall survive, together"!!!

All I can say is that if you love someone you work on all of it not just the good and the fun stuff. Marriage is never easy but it is impossible if you are not 150% comitted.

[FloridaGirl]

Exactly, Cp, exactly!

[edwards2]

No we are not the internet version of Dear Abby but I have made several observations about your situation. You aren't married and you are not engaged to this person so really what he does regarding his financial matters is really none of your business. Also, you said you "found" papers in his desk? How do you just FIND papers in his desk? That smacks of an invasion of privacy. Lastly, my guess is he is embarrassed about his financial situation and chose to keep it to himself which he has a right to do.
If you were engaged to be married or married all bets would be off and you should honor your commitment to each other but you are only dating. Maybe your reaction to this situation should tell you something about your relationship.

[hhou812hh]

No we are not the internet version of Dear Abby but I have made several observations about your situation. You aren't married and you are not engaged to this person so really what he does regarding his financial matters is really none of your business. Also, you said you "found" papers in his desk? How do you just FIND papers in his desk? That smacks of an invasion of privacy. Lastly, my guess is he is embarrassed about his financial situation and chose to keep it to himself which he has a right to do.
If you were engaged to be married or married all bets would be off and you should honor your commitment to each other but you are only dating. Maybe your reaction to this situation should tell you something about your relationship.

Boy I couldn't have said it any better!!!!!!!

[kelvinjai]

No matter how did you find out your bf's BK situation. He is taking a step and try to resolve it by himself, why still blame him?

As his gf, I think you should support him. Filing BK is a very stressful process and not fun at all. It's not as easy as you thought to tell this to everybody. If you think talking BK is not a big deal, why you jump in to this forum but not sharing with your friends?

He didn't tell you maybe he didn't want you to involve, use your $$, or whatever. He doesn't wanna get marry now is reasonable. I understand you feel bad coz he didn't tell you the truth. But try to put urself into his shoes, he might just doesn't want you to worry about and that's all.

[Lightning]

I know you guys think bankruptcy isn't a bad thing, but this guy lied to his girlfriend of a year. Who cares what large life-altering event it was?

He lied.

Gee, he felt bad, embarrassed. Who cares? We're adults. We don't look people we love in the face and lie. I don't care what it's about. It's wrong.

The reason he's filing for bankruptcy would be important to know. If he has medical problems, that's one thing. If he bought a Porche and ate out at restaurants every night, that's another. Financial irresponsibility is not a trait one should seek out in a mate.

These guys aren't married. They have no permanent commitment. A year is long time to spend together, but it's not that long. When you're about to get serious, that's when you swap credit reports, blood test results, and back ground checks. This guy's already got one strike against him.

I'm not surprised the OP never came back. I'm sure she realized she came to the wrong place for relationship advice. Hearing that she's the bad person for finding papers and that his filing bankruptcy is somehow good for their relationship was probably too much ridiculousness to deal with.