This is crazy...but I do not want out of the 13....yes, you read that correctly.

[Licoriceky2]

I know this is going to sound bat crazy but....I do not want out of Chapter 13....We are set for a successful discharge in June and I am TERRIFIED. My husband is thrilled and cannot wait, I literally have made myself sick thinking of getting out.

I am scared. Scared that we have not learned our lesson or more importantly have not learned how to be more responsible, more specifically my husband. All I have heard lately is how he wants to trade his 2005 F250 (with nothing wrong, no issues, no reasons to trade!) for a NEW F150, how he is going to get it in the summer. He keeps telling me how GREAT life will be starting in June, how we will have EXTRA money ($669 a month to the trustee) and how he is DONE driving a truck for a living (major freak out for me). This is a $113k a year job, comes with 6 weeks vacation, 2 to 1 profit sharing, decent home time, great benefits high seniority, etc. He has been there almost 20 years! He has no education beyond high school, no trade school, no skills beyond his current OTR job as a driver. Sure, he could work other places (as he so willingly points out) but not for anywhere near what he earns, or any of the "perks"....

Over these past 4.5 years we have done an incredibly poor job at saving (both of us); the "wants" have not charged for us, more specifically for my husband who continues to "want" all new, high end things overall. While I would love many things, I do not verbalize it nor continuously discuss it, nor try and find "ways" to obtain "things". I have been more accepting of our way of life. While I do a budget, and have become great at it, I know I too need work. I know as long as we are in BK we will not get into trouble again...but our time is coming to a close...and I am scared. Scared that I do not have the will power to put my foot down to my husband; scared that I may not have the control I need to not charge things again; fear my husband will have this early midlife crisis he keeps hinting at; fear we will screw up and make a mess again.

Does anyone else ever feel this way??? Any thoughts or suggestions??? Are there ever any support groups locally???

[LadyInTheRed]

I am fortunate that my husband is very adverse to incurring debt. I filed alone as all of my debt was incurred before we got married. So, I don't have the husband problem, but I do worry that I will be tempted to not spend the extra $500 I will have beginning in May wisely. Fortunately, my husband is good at pointing out when I am about to buy something I don't need in a non confrontational way. When I feel tempted to spend, I run the purchase past him. He has moments of weakness, but between the two of us, we should be able to keep control of our budget. My plan is to spend the first $500 on both mine and my husband's wants, and then put it all in savings for the rest of the year. After that, we will probably save at least half of it and increase our budget a bit.

To keep yourself under control, I suggest you come up with a plan of what to do with that extra $669 a month. Start with a savings goal and put that money into savings until you reach the goal.

Is it possible that when your husband is verbalizing these wants, he realizes they are wants that he isn't necessarily going to get? I used to freak out when my husband would talk about some expensive things he wanted. He would get annoyed when my first response was "we can't afford that". He has fun thinking about it and prefers I play along because he is really just fantasizing. I've learned to play along. If after playing along for a while I am feeling uncomfortable because he may really be serious, I will say, "we should start saving for that."

You need to sit down and talk to your husband about your concerns. Tell him that the two of you need to set financial goals together and stick to them. Tell him that using credit cannot be a way to accomplish those goals. Perhaps both of you can list things that you would like to use the $669 per month on then compare lists and work together to prioritize the items on your lists. Stress that an emergency savings needs to be at the top of the list of goals. Tell him that if one of those goals is to get a new truck, that you need to save a significant down payment first.

I think you need to be supportive of his desire to stop driving a truck, but make sure he has thought of the downsides you mentioned and the fact that severe belt tightening would be required..... probably forever! Tell him that using credit to make up for a decrease in income is not an option. I would stress the 6 weeks of vacation. I get 4 weeks of vacation and it would take a huge pay increase at a job closer to my home for me to give that up. I think the key is to not say "are you crazy, you can't change jobs at this point in your life" and instead say "You don't want to drive a truck any more? Okay, let's figure out how we can make that work". He very well may change his mind once you start estimating a new income and what budget cuts would be necessary. Do insist that he have a new job before quitting the current one.

If you Google "how to talk with my spouse about money", I bet you will find some good suggestions on how to approach the topic. If you can't have this kind of discussion with your husband, I recommend marriage counseling.

I think the fact that you are worried is a good sign that you are going to make good decisions.

[Drazil65]

I respect you for admitting you did not learn anything as far as budgeting and saving over the last 4.5 yrs (many on these boards just jump right back into credit cards and buying new cars and homes they cannot afford and wonder why they are knocking at the bankruptcy door again). I too would be scared to death of the things your husband is spewing, very afraid to start the downward spiral again. We are cash hoarders and savers, structure our lives to live on one paycheck while banking the entire other one into the emergency fund, the vacation fund and the "just gotta have plenty of cash at hand" fund in the safe. As everyone here has heard me state, the freedom and lack of stress is palpable. We wake up smiling every day because we can. Living within your means is an amazing feeling and cash is definitely king (and queen). It takes work though and a lifestyle change but it is so great to win!

He needs to be reasonable and logical, what is his reason for quitting a perfectly good paying job? Why would he put your family at risk for financial stress all over again? Can he wait a while until things settle down? One thing he should think about is that this is not a decision that he and he alone can/should make, it is a family decision as it affects everyone. If he is actually looking to go down that road there needs to be an exit strategy for him leaving his current job and by no means before he has the next job. Me, myself, I would take a stand as you have come so far and it is not fair to lead you and the family down that path again.

Maybe he will see that he cannot make this decision alone and there needs to be a plan or he is setting the family up for failure (and truthfully you feel it or you would not be so scared). Talk to a financial counselor and get help making a budget to achieve whatever financial goals you (together) decide on for the family. I feel for you because once you have been on the other side you NEVER should want to go back, ever! The best of luck with this and good luck coming up with a plan. Maybe he will surprise you...

[dmc-2008]

It sounds to me like you are ready and he isnt. I dont know, i would be nervous too. I think you will be ok because you sound determined.

[159515951]

You can't force your husband to change his behavior, and you can't force him to stay in a job that he obviously dislikes. If I were you, I'd tell him to take out all of these new loans on his own, so that he alone is responsible when it comes time to file again in the future.

[bkrelief22]

I too think your fear is a good thing! We filed ch 13 in 08 and discharged in 11. Part of your fear comes because while you were in bankruptcy, you had the "structure" of the bk. When it's over..that structure is over too. I believe that you have to create a new structure as your way of living. I was so scared after we were discharged...we waited for over a year before even applying for a credit card. I wanted no part of them. Now here I am 7 years from when I filed and they still scare me! Yes I have credit cards which we pay off. Yes, we bought a used car because our other car is 10 years old and 200000 miles. But it is still scary! Also, i find I am anal retentive about where every nickel goes....that keeps everything in check. One thought...keep track of where everything is going and show it to your husband...its amazing how the small insignificant spending adds up! Hang in there...you're a fighter, you'll be okay! Hope this helps! bkrelief

[frogger]

You can't force your husband to change his behavior, and you can't force him to stay in a job that he obviously dislikes. If I were you, I'd tell him to take out all of these new loans on his own, so that he alone is responsible when it comes time to file again in the future.

I agree with that.

All of that "extra" money that he's going to have is going to be negated if he leaves his current high paying job. With his education/experience level, he's going to be lucky to get a 25K a year job. He may not like what he's doing, but the alternative might just be worse.