Ok so most bizarre atty appt ever????

[julsmom]

Went in to talk about the separation & what the heck we are going to do with this BK..was expecting a session about who is staying 7, who is 13...what payments were going to be made when, etc. & instead....we got a bible study session? What??? I can respect that he really wants us to stop & THINK about what we are doing; basically we have a very good deal here with this BK, our payback & lien strip. From the short list, I make too much (my calculation I am 1K over so I still think this would be argueable) and for hubby, the Atty says it would go on his 6 months prior to us filing & not the fact that the new job he makes 2x a much, so he could file CH7 & walk away. I would still be in a 13, & lose the house. Plus I would get child support & my rent would be lower, so he feels my payt could even go UP! I left there feeling like I was going to throw up! Now what? Do I let my husband move in as a roommate? My head is just spinning...and I want off this ride....but yeah, overall I left there feeling like I had left a meeting with my pastor, discussing the effect of divorce on my children. What in the world?

[AngelinaCatHub]

Julsmom, he may have the best in intentions. As you mentioned the soon to be divorce will change everything radically and he was probably pleading for your own benefit legal-wise as things will be different. Possibly your solution is, stay friendly with the soon to be ex, get both bk's over with, then proceed with the divorce if you have to. Divorce and bk are both stressful in their own, but those who are doing both have it particularly hard. You are not the first here that were in both. Perhaps even after the bk's everything would look better and you might even put it back together. Not preaching at you at all. 'Hub

[ValleYum]

Oh julsmom.... :::hug::: Sometimes there just aren't enough words.

I think what Hub is saying the is right thing - I believe your attorney's heart was in the right place - I really do.

If the house looks like a goner - are you eligible/could you guys manage to hold it together for the 90 days or so of a Chapter 7 and both walk out of BK Court with clean slates and THEN go to Divorce Court?

You are in my thoughts.

[RunningMan]

I have never been through a divorce and hope I never have to. Nobody seems to come out of the process unhurt. But you have to do what is right for you and your family and you are the only one who can decide what that is.

Before the bankruptcy, I had hired an attorney to negotiate with the IRS for me for some back taxes from my business. She was all business and no personality. I spent thousands of dollars on legal fees and never felt she had my best interest in mind. She was more worried about her relationship with the IRS agents. I feel totally different about my bankruptcy attorney. He has spent time to get to know my personal situation and genuinely seems to care about my case. I think I would rather have the latter representing me.

[mlsj2009]

First post. Being an ordained Christian minister, I feel I just have to get in on this one. Julsmom, if your bankruptcy lawyer is also your divorce lawyer, then it might have been appropriate for him/her to have tried to give you moral advice as a reason to consider your actions, but if he/she is just your bankruptcy attorney, his or her actions were unprofessional. If that is the case, I would consider getting another lawyer, one a little more professional. The Supreme law of the land is the Constitution, not the Bible. We live in America, not heaven. The kingdom of eternal bliss for Christians is promised after this life on Earth, not during. Divorce is not the unforgivable sin, nor is bankruptcy. Unfortunately, you have been dealt your share of hell in two lumps at the same time. A lawyer who is professional and has your Constitutional rights squarely focused, should have dealt with your bankruptcy questions in relation to the two of you being separated. End of story. You might want to find a couple of lawyers (bankruptcy and divorce) who will be your advocate, not your pastor. Good luck! It will get better, just hang in there.

[dneil]

This is not a bible study... but I agree with what your attorney did even though he is your attorney. I have been divorced and am now remarried. The pain and stress it put my children in was so unfair to them. Looking back, I realize that marriage is more about learning to work through things and staying dedicated to that. The grass always appears to look greener on the otherside, it sure does..... but when you get to the other side what you WILL find is astro turf. It was never greener grass what it was was an illusion. All relationships are hard work with ups and downs and even times when you feel like you have hatred for that other person. However, since science has proven that love and hate are generated in the same part of the brain, it is completely understandable how people find themselves confused about how they feel (not that I am saying you are confused...people in general). Some couples split up and end up back together. Divorce is too freely thought of as an acceptable route out.... when this is not what marriage is about.

The first thing my attorney warned us about was not the trustee, or Adversarial Proceedings, or a denail of discharge. Nope, it wasn't.... it was the effect of a bankruptcy on a marriage and the increase of divorce rate. He forewarned us because he had seen over the years what a bankruptcy can do to families just from the stress. And he explained while many of the couples he (no names were given) talked about who split up thought it was breakdown of marriage, many didn't realize that it was secondary issues directly correlating to the bankruptcy.

I am sure your attorney meant well. One thing that I just want to add is that divorce does allow YOU to move on in your life and HE in his, what it doesn't allow is for your children to. They are stuck in the middle. Sharing two different homes, having to leave their stuff at one parents house when they go to another, dealing with girlfriends and boyfriends of their parents. Different rules. And it causes them to have to feel as if they are torn. My kids went through this. Their dad wouldn't allow them to bring the things to my house that HE bought and I had no problem with them taking their stuff to their dads. While on the other hand I had high expectations of the kids as far as chores and school/academics, while their dad couldn't have cared less. If I said yes about something, he would say no. Divorce leaves in its wake and path of damage miles and miles long and it rests upon that of the children in 'most' cases. And if that isn't enough, you should see the statistics for divorce rates of children who grew up in divorced families.

I studied psychology in college and majored in social work. So when my divorce occurred and there was nothing I could do to stop it, I felt horrible for our boys. I have done my best to help cushion the situation, and at times it has truly hurt to have to do. A lot of biting my tongue and carrying heavy loads of anger and disbelief on my own back in an attempt to try to protect my children.

I am sure both of you have thought very seriously about this.... I respect that. However, my hope for your family is that somehow the two of you will find the determination to try to work this out. I really do. Good luck to you and your family.

[mtngirl47]

Our bk attorney also talked to us about our relationship....my husband was in full blame mode at our filing appointment--blaming me. The attorney stopped him several times and pointed out that it was a partnership and that this was the time to work together.

Several months later I met with a divorce attorney to file for separation and I felt like I was almost in a counseling session. He probed and made observations that made me think about walking away from 28 years of marriage. We're not like newlyweds but we're in an ok place as we live through another tough time in our life together.

[LadyInTheRed]

While the attorney may have meant well, I think he was out of line. You go to an attorney for legal advice, not spiritual advice. I think warning about the effects of bankruptcy on marriage and acting as a mediator when a couple disagrees is fine, but an attorney doesn't need to bring his religious beliefs into the conversation to do that. We don't go to a minister for legal advice, why would we go to an attorney for spiritual advice?

Julsmom, I am sorry for what you are going through and wish you and your children all the best. It will be tough, but you will all get through both the divorce and the BK. My parents' divorce when I was 8 was actually a relief. When my mom told me my dad was moving out, the first thing I said was "does that mean you won't be fighting anymore?". Once they decided to split, my parents handled things like adults and didn't put my sisters and me in the middle. We never heard them yelling at each other again. We are all in our 40s and have always had good relationships with both parents and our stepmother. I'm not sure that would be true if they stayed together just for the children no matter how unhappy they were.

[NeedOptions]

This may sound strange but I think my bankruptcy actually made our marriage stronger. We no longer stress about bills and fight over money as we finally have financial peace in our lives.