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Fear and confusion

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    Fear and confusion

    Hi to all,

    I have been reading posts on here and it has (no offense to anyone) increased my fear in what to do.

    There is too much to this story so I will have to condense it greatly.

    I cosigned for student loans for my son to go to an art college. He is an artist. He showed talent at a young age. He amazes me now at what he can do. HOWEVER, he did not finish school (3 quarters shy). You must understand, I am an enabler, I am the softy in the family, I am the one who can't say no, I am the one who takes care of family finances, I am not rich, I am easily manipulated (that is straight from a psychiatrist and psychologist....and my wife). They are all correct in their assessment of me. That said, I also cosigned for him to lease a new car in 2008 (I'm and IT guy where I work, for me that is short for IdioT!!!. At the time, he was working a factory job that paid well and he had no trouble with payments. After 10 months in a brick factory he decided he should go back to school. Wonderful! He went back. He lasted two quarters. He quit again. Failed some gen eds he had to take so money wasted. He wants nothing to do with his major in graphic art design. He wants to paint and be signed with a gallery. That's a good thing but right now it is not producing any income. He works nearby as a cook at a small restaurant. It's a good thing it is in walking distance because we had to turn in his lease car last week because he was so far behind on the payments and I couldn't afford anymore to help with them. When I began taking money out of the 401K and cash advances on a credit card, I had a feeling I was going too far (as the young ones say "duh"). He is living in an apartment with his girlfriend (I am 60 so I have a different mindset about "playing house", so don't anyone get mad, it's just me and the way I feel about the arrangement he is in.

    I am going to stop now because there is just too much more to the story. Understand, I still love my son. I don't like what he has done but I still love him.

    The bottom line is that the student loans amount to, at this moment, somewhere between $175,000 and $200,000. That are and have been due for months now. Some calls sound like the "mob". There are calls 7 days a week at all times of the morning, day and evening. His car is going to be $17,800 minus what is made when it is auctioned off. The difference is his and my responsibility. I have no idea what that will be for a week or two.

    I am very scared about this. I have to call a lawyer about Ch13. I have never had to deal with anything like this in my life. I have been told that they can't kill you for owing money (I guess that depends on who you owe) but I could die from it. I have already had one heart attack 4 years ago and another visit just last year. All this is not helping. What's done is done. But it causes a lot of stress and anxiety.

    I am just sitting here at work feeling very alone because I know I have to call this lawyer but I don't know what to expect or how much it will cost or how it will impact my and my wife's life. I have to call today 6-30-09. I have to call now to get things going.

    It could be worse. I could owe Tommy DeVito (Joe Pesci in "Goodfellas").

    Who all have read this......thanks very much!

    Logan60

    #2
    Sorry to hear you are having such a rough time Logan. I hope that now that you realize that you need to take care of yourself and your wife, rather than your adult son.

    The student loans are going to be a real problem, as these cannot be discharged in Bankruptcy. You can try to get a lawyer to see about a special hardship discharge of them, but it is really hard to get those, hopefully your age and health condition will work to your favor there, but your income as an IT specialist will work against you.

    Lawyers for CH 7 BK cost about 2K, for CH 13 is ~4K, although I've seen higher and lower on both numbers. Having a lawyer working for you is a huge relief though. I wish you the best of luck.
    Filed CH 13 September 17, 2007
    Plan Modified July 8, 2009 from $1100/month to $400/month due to change in income, finally discharged in July of 2013!

    Comment


      #3
      Logan,

      Welcome to the board. Learning more about your options will give you great comfort, even if the solutions are tough, or nonexistent. Just knowing how things work and why can be helpful to your psyche.

      The student loans are going to be your biggest concern, obviously. But in the longer term you need to really find a way to stop allowing your son to abuse your goodwill. We all love our kids, but loving them sometimes requires NOT bowing to their every whim. It is time to take care of yourself, no matter what impact that has on him or his finances. It is likely this will hang over both your heads for life, I am sorry to say.

      But there is no reason to let it rule your life. After a while it will fade into more of a background thing that does not have to cause you stress or keep you up at night. Sounds impossible, I know, where you are now, but it WILL get easier.

      Keep your head high and please let us know what your choices and decisions are as you move forward.
      11-20-09-- Filed Chapter 7
      12-23-09-- 341 Meeting-Early Christmas Gift?
      3-9-10--Discharged

      Comment


        #4
        Originally posted by logan60 View Post

        There is too much to this story so I will have to condense it greatly.

        I have already had one heart attack 4 years ago and another visit just last year.
        Reading the quote there is a good indication that you need input from only one person, the attorney you hire.

        This board is going to cause undue stress from all of the conflicting opinions, etc. There is not one person here that can give you a clear answer.

        My advice is, stay off the internet, hire an attorney.

        I've been trying to stick around here for who knows why. People assume a lot. They don't understand you-they fill in the blanks and the whole thread gets so far off it's a frustration in itself.

        Comment


          #5
          Thanks for the replies. I am calling the lawyer today. I have to get started or it will drive me more nuts than I already am!!

          Comment


            #6
            Originally posted by tinfoilhat View Post

            My advice is, stay off the internet, hire an attorney.
            I personally have befitted greatly from this forum. I haven't agreed with everyone who posts, and some issues have more than one side to them so multiple opinions happen, but the support and useful information I've received here have made my 2 years in CH 13 BK so much better than it would have been otherwise. I hope the OP stays and learns from the many knowledgeable people here. I even agree with tinfoilhat that hiring an attorney is the best way to get started solving your financial woes. But being well informed and getting support from others in similar situations is also very comforting, at least for me. I learned what questions to ask my attorney, in several instances, from this forum, and it really informed my interactions with my counsel to make sure I was being represented to the best of her abilities.
            Filed CH 13 September 17, 2007
            Plan Modified July 8, 2009 from $1100/month to $400/month due to change in income, finally discharged in July of 2013!

            Comment


              #7
              I too have benefited from this forum, if nothing else than to feel like someone understands what I'm going through. But through the site, I have gained alot of useful information that amazed my attorney and I was able to anticipate some things before he asked them from me. For example, after reading this forum, I asked for a CMA on my house from a local realtor. Then, when we went in to file, he asked me what I thought the quick sell value on my house was and I showed him the CMA. Done deal...that is what he took and what the trustee accepted as my home value during our 341. So...it is useful, albeit the attorney is your source for all legal information you use during your BK.

              Logan, I too have a problem with saying no and I have two children in college right now. But just take one day at a time, do what you need to do for your future, and if that means BK, then so be it. My 18 year old son is having his 19th birthday next week and has already said he will use his birthday money for a home repair (he busted in a door frame on our house). I am telling him he is old enough to not expect birthday money any longer and must repair the door out of his pay check. He didn't like that much but I am trying to hold my ground now with regards to money.

              Before I filed, to be honest, I really was borderline suicidal...and that's hard for me to admit and me and my husband we're talking of separation. But after filing, I feel calmer and more at peace now and I feel we're a team in trying to fix our financial mess. It truly was time to file BK for me instead of feeling like puking everytime I set down to write out the bills. It will get better....and I'm still a newbie at this too...!
              CH13 filed 5/21/09; 341 6/17/09; confirmed 7/14/09]
              Discharged: 7/25/12

              Comment


                #8
                Wow, so glad to read logan60 and billssuck. I have found much support reading this forum. I realize that no one except an attorney can really give legal advice, but when I am up at 1 in the morning not sleeping due to worry sometimes just reading through posts helps and knowing that someone else has been through this and survived helps.

                Comment


                  #9
                  Originally posted by timeouts1 View Post
                  Wow, so glad to read logan60 and billssuck. I have found much support reading this forum. I realize that no one except an attorney can really give legal advice, but when I am up at 1 in the morning not sleeping due to worry sometimes just reading through posts helps and knowing that someone else has been through this and survived helps.
                  What he said

                  This is a crappy situation for anybody to be in, ESPECIALLY when it is YOU. I've worried sick over it to the point where I felt I would be better off dead. If I had not had children that might have been an option. But I know like everything in life, this too shall pass. Now I am in a waiting game waiting for my lawyer to have all of my stuff done and filed.

                  Yes, only certain questions can be answered by a lawyer, when all is said and done the only answer that matters is from the BK Judge. Gaining knowledge and experience vicariously through this forum though can be a great help and relief.

                  Comment


                    #10
                    My son and I went to see the lawyer today. She explained a lot of things but it all turned out that my son will be filing Ch13 and I won't. The lawyer explained why and it all made sense. So I realized just how much I don't know about the law.

                    Comment

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