ifseparate/divorce during joint CH 13, do I have to start all over again

[woeisme]

This is premature at this point, but I wanted to know if anyone knew what would happen with my CH 13 that I filed joint with hubby if we split up? He could convert to CH 7 with his income if we separated, but I'd still make too much and would need to stay in a CH 13. i guess my question is, since I've made 15 of my 60 payments, would I just be able to modify my plan and continue with the remaining 45 payments, or would I need to dismiss my plan since it's no longer a joint filing and start over with 60 new payments? (If that was the case I'd be in 100% payback I imagine.)

I say it's premature, because hubby and I aren't really having problems except for 1, but it's a doozey and if he doesn't change his position on the matter, it will be a divorce unfortunately. He wants his 27 year old son to come live with us, but the man is a pot-head alcoholic with mental issues, so if it comes down to it, I'd rather separate than be scared in my own home. My hubby doesn't see the rage and scary parts of my stepson, or thinks his behavior will change in our house, but it's not a risk I'm going to be willing to take. (He's currently living with his sister, my stepdaughter, but she's said he has to be out by the end of the year for similar reasons as mine.) His own mother won't take him either, says her place is too small. (true, she has 3 people living in a 3 room apartment, but not the real reason she won't take him.) Anyhow, am hoping husband will see that this is not an option, but was curious if anyone knew what would happen to my CH 13 if hubby decides to choose his son over me? Thanks in advance.

[AngelinaCatHub]

You don’t have a problem. Your husband is obviously crazy. If his own daughter is tossing a what, 27 year old out????? Isn’t that enough to convince your hubby that he is inviting disaster into your home. Your hubby needs treatment, it is too late for a 27 year old ‘boy’???

Please Google Sociopath. I think you have two on your hands. I would make him leave the house and that would cure the problem but not the marriage.

Yes, you got a doozy. ‘Hub

[woeisme]

Well, if having a crazy husband isn't a problem, I don't know what is!

Actually hubby and I had a full-fledged screaming fight over this right after I posted. We never scream, I am usually totally non-confrontational, but blew up, slammed doors, the whole 9-yards, scared the heck out of our poor kid (13-year old son who was an unfortunate bystander) but hubby came around to my viewpoint by the end, believe it or not. I kind of understand his viewpoint too, well, not on having him live here, but why he wanted to do it. He feels all this guilt over how bad his 4 adult children have turned out, so I guess was thinking this might be a way to "fix" things, at least with his oldest son. (Hubby's first wife ran around on him and then dumped him for another man, her uncle (by marriage) in fact, so it was a huge Jerry Springer kind of thing that was crazy.) Anyhow, Mom and creepy ex-uncle turned stepdad raised his kids for the most part, so I don't know why he feels all this guilt about the kids turning out awful, he wasn't the one that tore up their family and then raised the kids to be losers; he was always there for them, even had custody of 2 of them for a few years but as they got older they chose to live with Mom because he had rules in his house and she didn't. Anyhow, he also identifies with this particular son because he got married young just like my hubby did, then his wife slept around on him too and left him for another man just like my hubby's ex- did to him, and moved away afterwards so stepson never gets to see his boy, who's probably about 8 or 9 years old now, and he uses the excuse that losing contact with his son is why he is trying to drink himself to death I guess. Again, I can feel some sympathy, but it doesn't change my stance "not in my house".

Anyhow, I guess the crisis on our end is resolved for now. Not having stepson move in with us, although I don't know where he will end up going, probably his Mom will cave and not see him living on the streets. (he doesn't have a job other than occasionally picking up manual labor odd jobs, which is why he can't afford his own apartment.) I feel totally exhausted from fighting, and it didn't even really lastbeyond a half hour, how do those of you that blow up and fight on a regular basis handle it??? I think I need a nap.

[rrockinggramma]

naps work. But good job for standing your ground. Your 13 year old son deserves the best and it sounds like that 27 year old needs some tough love. Maybe the streets is where he will figure it out.

[Flamingo]

You need to realize your stepson needs a hard dose of reality as everyone has been apparently bailing him out allowing him to continue his pot, booze, drugs, whatever he is into. Without the bailout, he has to learn to sink or swim. He is an adult and it truly is not your problem, nor your hubby's, but we all know the close child/parent bond and it's hard to let a kid get screwed up...but you can't hold hands forever with an adult child. Tell your hubby it's time he cut the cord so his son can get on his feet. I have a friend with a son who is very similar to your stepson and he is such a slacker, pot head who has lost jobs due to drug testing, and continues to have children and complain to everyone he can't make it because he only makes $9.50 an hour for a major soda distributor. This "kid" is 30.... The family has just recently stopped with the bailouts and the "feeling sorries."

[AngelinaCatHub]

You need to realize your stepson needs a hard dose of reality as everyone has been apparently bailing him out allowing him to continue his pot, booze, drugs, whatever he is into. Without the bailout, he has to learn to sink or swim. He is an adult and it truly is not your problem, nor your hubby's, but we all know the close child/parent bond and it's hard to let a kid get screwed up...but you can't hold hands forever with an adult child. Tell your hubby it's time he cut the cord so his son can get on his feet. I have a friend with a son who is very similar to your stepson and he is such a slacker, pot head who has lost jobs due to drug testing, and continues to have children and complain to everyone he can't make it because he only makes $9.50 an hour for a major soda distributor. This "kid" is 30.... The family has just recently stopped with the bailouts and the "feeling sorries."

[Flamingo]

Everyone benefits in this forum from you, Mr. Hub...and I'm sure Woeisme knows what you are saying and coming from a guy makes it even better. Sometimes it takes a blowup to make one side "see the light" in any situation. I'm sure if Woeisme allowed the stepson to move in her hubby would realize in a real short period of time it was the wrong move to begin with and by then it's too late - it's either a major crack down or a kick out. If someone can't see it or get it together by age 27 it's not only their fault it is the fault of everyone associated with them enabling that person. Woeisme did the right thing by blowing up and she knows it. Sometimes you just have to stand your ground to make the reality show through. Not too many people want to deal with reality as you see from some of the postings on this forum everyday.

Woeisme - you should go to your hubby and thank him for seeing your side of the situation and tell him how much you love him and thank him for standing by you...

[BigJohn]

Well, if having a crazy husband isn't a problem, I don't know what is!

Actually hubby and I had a full-fledged screaming fight over this right after I posted. We never scream, I am usually totally non-confrontational, but blew up, slammed doors, the whole 9-yards, scared the heck out of our poor kid (13-year old son who was an unfortunate bystander) but hubby came around to my viewpoint by the end, believe it or not. I kind of understand his viewpoint too, well, not on having him live here, but why he wanted to do it. He feels all this guilt over how bad his 4 adult children have turned out, so I guess was thinking this might be a way to "fix" things, at least with his oldest son. (Hubby's first wife ran around on him and then dumped him for another man, her uncle (by marriage) in fact, so it was a huge Jerry Springer kind of thing that was crazy.) Anyhow, Mom and creepy ex-uncle turned stepdad raised his kids for the most part, so I don't know why he feels all this guilt about the kids turning out awful, he wasn't the one that tore up their family and then raised the kids to be losers; he was always there for them, even had custody of 2 of them for a few years but as they got older they chose to live with Mom because he had rules in his house and she didn't. Anyhow, he also identifies with this particular son because he got married young just like my hubby did, then his wife slept around on him too and left him for another man just like my hubby's ex- did to him, and moved away afterwards so stepson never gets to see his boy, who's probably about 8 or 9 years old now, and he uses the excuse that losing contact with his son is why he is trying to drink himself to death I guess. Again, I can feel some sympathy, but it doesn't change my stance "not in my house".

Anyhow, I guess the crisis on our end is resolved for now. Not having stepson move in with us, although I don't know where he will end up going, probably his Mom will cave and not see him living on the streets. (he doesn't have a job other than occasionally picking up manual labor odd jobs, which is why he can't afford his own apartment.) I feel totally exhausted from fighting, and it didn't even really lastbeyond a half hour, how do those of you that blow up and fight on a regular basis handle it??? I think I need a nap.

I don't want to say this, but I think you should now. You should speak to your husband about what happened and discuss what could have happen. What I am saying, if one of your neighbors called the police, one of you probably would end up going to jail. Domestic violence can be something as simple as yelling at another person.

As for your stepson, why doesn't he have his own place?

[justbroke]

What makes most addicts continue to be addicts, are enablers. And I'm talking about family and friends who are enablers.

I believe the OP has done the right thing. This person has no place with a 13-year old in the house anyhow.

I had a similar issue, but it was an brother-in-law. He was a drunk and an addict, and once he "connected" with me, he wouldn't leave me alone. Always a place to stay, money... the whole 9 yards.

He came to my job one day. I work at a serious place that does serious business with serious security guards. The security called the police (after he had been coming there and "borrowing" money from them and telling the guards that I'd pay them back)!!! I didn't know any of this.

Well, the guards were tired of it, and even though I was high ranking and the guards actually reported to me (because I controlled everything about the facilities)... they called me right after they called the police. Well, I had to stand in front of this BIL and tell him... "you see these guards and these police officers? If you come back here, the police are ordered to arrest you for trespassing. Do not ever come back."

While it's heart-wrenching, most of these folks with these types of problem will do nothing but bring you down with them. My heart goes out though. I don't know when it's time to just be done with them. Intervention, treatment, counseling... helps some but not all.

P.S. I never had a probelm with him after that.